Damnit Summer!

I'd really really like to bloody know what it is about the last two weeks of July and First couple of weeks of August have against me. Every year, in looking over my notes for the past ten ish years, those four ish odd weeks have always been downers. Like hard to navigate, 'do I really need to do this', nothing is getting done, HARD downer.

I fucking hate it. Last couple of years have been exceptionally hard but I think a part of that is because I'm in a steady home environment (have been the last soon to be five years in September) and so everything is going "Oh hey...we can actually deal with stuff now."   Um... can we NOT deal with it that way?!  No..... *grumble*  It's been so bad I let half of the Etsy lapse into expired listings... That's been fixed. But still....

Tomorrow is the day before Mabon. The plan is to take today and do my special music channel and work on creative projects all day, taking it easy because tomorrow (DR I love you...but I'm cleaning even while you're sleeping) I clean.  I super clean. I'm gonna bitch slap this house with cleaning rags so hard it's gonna cry.... or I'm going to be crying from the joint pain on or the other. ( Makes a note to take something with morning coffee so that pain stays away.)  Tomorrow WILL see a good house day.

So that I can spend Mabon in peace.

Why is that important?

Witchcraft:

Eh well... The Morrighan has been encouraging me to talk about this and Dagda, Danu, Anu, Cerridwen and the rest haven't exactly been quiet about that either. I've been getting nudges for the past couple of years but this year they've gotten a bit more intense....but I think that's because I'm back to a point in my abilities where I'm not straining to hear them anymore.  ....I need to talk to my sisters and  brothers about if they can see if any of my abilities are still dead and which ones are recovering and which ones can be saved.  There's one I don't want back.  Not gonna talk about that right now.

Basically it's a covenant of a kind. There's two parts that I have so far.  Grow my hair back out (which I'm keen to do because I've had it short for a few years now.  Thing about my hair is that grows really fast so by the end of the year, it's probably going to be shoulder length almost) and take better care of myself.  Man they yelled that last one so damn loud that day.

The Bullshits:
So part of my self care is learning that is okay to have bad and down days. "But those are the days I lose time on projects." Yes and that's okay. Instead of fighting those days, I need to let them happen so that they take up only ONE day instead getting stretched out over three and four days.  Yeah... bad Evie.

Makers movement:
YEEEEE!  So I visited with my parents for a week in early July.  That was so damn nice! Went fabric shopping with my mom and just got to spend some needed quality time with them. (It'd been almost five years since I'd seen them.) Mom also had several things of fabric that she wasn't going to be using in her quilting (she makes beautiful lap quilts and baby quilts for the Linus Project).

So I have a lot of new fabric.  There are:

1. Two button up shirts for DR planned.
2. At least three quilts for us.
3. Maybe close to five wall hangings.
4. Curtains.
5. About five or six vests for me (Wardrobe changes continue!)
6. At least two long sleeve shirts 
7. One more bib dress
8. Couple other indeterminate right now.

This is on top of the two shawls and one more crocheted vest I've been eyeballing making for myself.  One of the shawls...is well... special.

SHOUT OUTS:

As you guys know I have really cool people I'm friends with so we're doing two shouts out todays.

One is the Patreon account link to my friend who runs Reel Fun Studios.  Carie a wonderful geeky lady and mother to a beautiful daughter.  If you could give her page Carie Varner some love and some monthly coin, it'd be appreciated.

Also today I'm giving a signal to the newest Science based book out from my good friend Stephanie Osborn called "Kiss your Ash Goodbye: The Yellowstone Supervolcano"

Personal Stores:
Always be sure to check out what's going with my Etsy The Jade Rose Zen and my Teespring Jade Rose Zen Productions.

Time to keep today's momentum going. 

Self Care First Aid!

Today's post might be a bit of tangled mess and for that I apologize. I had a great idea it's just been a bitch trying to figure out how to express the different points. Hell even identifying the different points that are important have been... kinda fighting me. Doesn't help that today was laundry day. It wasn't all that stressful today as the laundry mat was all mostly older folks who don't really bother anyone. It was just stressful enough that when we got home and I noticed one of the dogs knocked over my tomatoes plants at some point this morning, I had to sit down and crochet for awhile. In this instance checking to see if a design of mine would work in chunky yarn. Oh hey... I guess that ties back into my title doesn't it?

So let's talk about a small elephant in the room. No seriously, it's a small one. Maybe about two or three years old. Pagans, Wiccan's, Witches, Heathens... whatever your tag, it seems like we have a lot more people than other groups that deal with anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. I think a part of that is one of the things that is becoming or has become intrinsic to our 'community', is taking on a level of emotional honesty about what we're dealing as human beings. How many of us can honestly say the last Sabbat, Esbat or God/dess feast day we remembered to celebrate without being reminding by the Internet or friends? I think I managed last night, but it was because I was engaged in a self care ritual of sorts.

I'm starting to think we need to have a little bit of a focus shift. We can't be good stewards of our craft, if we aren't taking care of ourselves. We can't take care of our communities. Our inner circle of tribe, our friends or our family. We can't take care of our home or the pets that the Universe has placed in our lives to bring us some joy and unconditional love. 

It's time we do some first aid our lives and minds when it comes to our self care habits and needs. So I've been trying to figure out how to hash out the steps which was a bit more complicated today than normal. Usually when I do one of these essay's the words flow. Not today so much. They are there but they need some coaxing. So let's do some breaking down.

Normal first aid has steps like stopping bleeding, clearing airways, etc.

So needless to say our steps are going to be very different in some regards and more in depth.

1. Identify your worst problems. Like for me it's my depression, anxiety and PTSD mental and emotional wise. Physical wise it's I hate being pain so I don't exercise like I should be and hip problems. 
2. Identify your Shadow.
   This is the part of yourself that has everything repressed. Don't sweat identifying everything. Shadow work is something EVERYONE regardless of beliefs should do. It's a life long thing too. Everything you try to force yourself to forget and every negative emotion you squash becomes a part of the shadow and shadows left un-dealt with become something much much worse.
3. Identify how your problems manifest themselves.
   Do you skip showers for days? (We need to save money on the water bill. I have no friends who come over so why bother. I'm always sick. I don't have the energy.)
   Just don't eat? (I have got to finish this project. I don't want to get out of bed. Why do I even bother cleaning this house no one cares? etc etc etc)
   Obsessively engage in a behavior? You get the general idea.
4. Identify feedback loops, both positive and negative.
   I literally just got done this couple of weeks figuring out this step. Forcing yourself to put down your work so that you can eat, bathe, worship etc; is fucking hard.
5. Identify all the things that make you feel better.
   Pet play time! A good cup of coffee or tea. Taking a hot bath with smelly goods. Putting a favorite album on repeat. 
6. Identify what you are spending the most time and whether or not it's actually making you feel better in the long term. Short term be damned.
   If you're spending hours on ( insert site) arguing, you're not improving your mental mindset. You're not improving your ability to take care of yourself. You're not loving on your dog or cat or what not. You're not catching up on dishes, on cleaning a floor, on making that hat you promised. You're wasting time on things that aren't constructive to yourself, your home and those that genuinely need you. You're harming yourself. Quit that.

All of those take work and time. The next step of Self Care First Aid after Identification? I'm still working on how to explain that part with clarity. For me it's been setting up routines. It's been designating a chore hour where:

• I fill the dish drainer with dishes at least once if not at least five dishes clean.(This will get upped to at least six dishes in a couple of months.)
• Check on my plants on my way outside to throw away the day's trash and check on the mail.
• Morning routines are drinking coffee in bed currently (Seriously OMG I love DR dearly. Most mornings, this is my day start. Along with being under a purring cat and puppy pile.)
• Not checking social media sites right away. I go play one of my mobile games.
• Check my Bujo to do lists so that I know how much energy I'm spending today on the once or twice a week chore.

See what I mean about that second part? It's been hard to nail down

into a process. Plus there's the long hot relaxing bath on full moons now. There's literally nothing stopping any of us from being engaged in our practices in a manner that helps us be better people. Taking care of ourselves and our self care processes becoming better so that our days are less stressful because let's face it, we are our own biggest sources of stress 99,999,999 out of 100,000,000 times. We are to blame for things becoming sources of aggravation because we aren't weighing what is going on properly. This is self harm. And we all need to stop it.

I've been trying to figure out a way to express a "13 Full Moons of Self Care" kind of idea. It's percolating but don't expect it any time soon. 13 full moons of just taking care of yourself and your home. Because let's face it folks: You can't serve the Gods/Universe if you're too broken to even be honest with yourself about your life's condition. You can't take care of the God/s requests, if you won't take care of yourself. And you sure as hell can't take care of other people, if you don't have even 50% of your own shit straight.

Oh fer crying out loud....

So some time last night the cold thingy I've been dealing with for three plus weeks now deciding to make a minor comeback. And because of said sinus drainage it's fucking with my appetite. (WHY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME BODY?!) Totally fucks with the eat by 1 pm rule I have instigated for myself as part of the self care regiment.

I did this rule in trying to crack down on not taking care of myself in the small ways (bathing, eating, being witchy with is the spiritual side of things) so that I don't mess up my days or weeks and don't lose time to fricking... episodes of PTSD fueled anxiety and depression bouts. Food is damn important for your body in order to be able to fucking function right.

So needless to say, it's a hot soup or bastard spicy stir fry day when I do finally eat. Which hopefully will be before the sun goes down at least...

In the past two months I found out the hard way we needed new hot pads, so I've been working on making new ones as little quickie projects on days where I need the boost to my productivity morale. Also discovered we needed another queen/king sized afghan for ourselves.  That I had already been working on, but it became the priority in being finished.

I have planted a clove of garlic in the spot where the basil used to be. For whatever reason, the basil just didn't make it. The spinach needs trimmed once a week as apparently it loves Phoenix's winters. (Hell I love Phoenix winters.)

Fiona is finally used to be wiped down with the anti allergen stuff so that we don't have to think about possibly re-homing her because of DR's allergies. She is the only cat our household is going to end having that is an indoor cat. We may end up with outdoor purely by chance in the future. 

Log Cabin Quilts have been around a
VERY long time.

I had decided before we agreed it was time to start the human side of our family, that we needed at least four baby blankets.  Currently I'm at two.  I decided on a whim last night to knit one of them and just make a large Log Cabin swatch. I'm not a great knitter. I can do the basic two stitches pretty well but don't ask me for socks anytime soon. And I'm doing greens and creams. The base color is a very lively lime green and DR hates it. We'll have three others he can choose from when it's just him taking the baby out on errands, he'll be fine. 

The new baby blanket will definitely push my skills a bit as I've never knitted anything bigger than a scarf.  Okay so maybe more a patience test.

Witchcraft wise I think everything is just glad I have a small green space for part of the year anymore. Though come summer time, I think moving the plants (container garden for the win) underneath the biggest mesquite tree will save some of the plants from the summer heat. Hopefully at least the herbs. 

So now, I'm back to blogging a little more frequently it seems. It could just be the New Year's energy but either way I'm liking it. Now if I just stay on top of my drawing practice. If nothing else, practicing drawing out designs for Jade Rose Zen. 

Oh 2018 What the hell have you done?

So here we are in the year 2018. It's been three years since I last touch this blog however even with all the shenanigans that Google has been pulling, this is the better option blog.

Wordpress while slick and shiny demands I have to have a business account if I want to be able to even have my Etsy listings show up right. 36 bucks a year for "Business" and the premium that would get them off my back permanently all year... 300 bucks.

No thanks fuckers, I barely have enough profit margin right now to be able to even afford to pay the cable.

So I'm back over here where I can advertise my stores for free and not have eat into financial resources that I don't fucking have.

Once again, this is going to be an everything blog. Talking about my personal crocheting, mental health and emotional overflow from said issues, knitting, writing, dealing with my PTSD, anxiety, depression, prepping (I don't write for BCP anymore but am still associated with them).

And yes there will be pet shenanigans. Many many pet shenanigans.

So buckle up, because this year has just started and the outline for it looks pretty damn solid so far.

It's almost 2015 already?!

The Chief just seemed appropriate. =)

Holy shit... well I finally got all my Christmas orders done.  I've learned some serious lessons this year, like me and poison oak don't get along, but there's been others.

Like time management.

Like if someone brings my ability to work to a crashing halt, I need to put my damn foot down about there are very specific times they can be over and very specific time amounts they can stay.  I lost a lot more time than I like to think about to that idiot. Who now is trying to use her boys as pawns to get her into a better housing situation or flown home. Oh and it's everyone else's fault but her own that she's now couch surfing. I feel sorry for her kids.  Her...not an ounce. She had four different jobs that she managed to land.... then got too drunk and hungover.  I'm sure you can guess how that ended.

I've learned that I've healed a lot this year. I was able to go hiking with two folks I barely knew and had a blast. Nothing triggered. No episodes. Just a good much needed break. I was able to go to a ballet (!!!!), the Nutcracker. I had DR with me of course and a bag with crochet in it. (HA! Thought I left that behind didn't ya?)

I've learned to have less fear of the future. Still have a massive amount, but it's probably half of what it was. Fear as in, whether or not I am capable to learn enough as to the where's and what's I'll be doing in the future are of minor concern.

I managed so far to get through this holiday season with a panic attack. I think it's been at least three or four months since the last one, that's a record. There have been a couple of minor ones that I managed to head off, and no anxiety attacks flaring into a panic attack.  Whew.  Now that (!) is progress.

I still miss my cat though. =(

And yes for those of you wondering Mace is based on Mindy.  Many of the interactions between Lacy and Mace in normal every day to day, are actually things that happened with us at the cabin. Including the bit about band aids needed on the thighs.  Ouchz!

I've started writing again. I used to write a lot of that was... let's just say, only DR gets to see that and even then I get a pat on the head. Yeah, that's the best way to sum up his reaction and no, I don't find it insulting. I tend to understand that action a bit better than vocal reactions to that old stuff.

I know I need to charge a bit more for some of the things I make.  Like the coats.  I think I'll be phasing out a couple of things after New Year's and introducing several new things that are going to go over well I think. Nope, no hints.

We also have a table now.  Yes, it's el cheapo fold plastic table from Wal*Mart, but we have a damn table. We have a place we can sit and eat our meals at...instead asian style on the floor....

I still have a few other orders, but I still don't know what to do with myself now that all the Christmas ones are done. Feels weird to be honest.  Good, but weird.

We celebrated Yule this Sunday. I managed to make a leg of lamb taste amazing. We threw it into the crockpot with leeks, rice and green onions.  I barely tugged on the bone and it came out with no meat left on it. We did stuffed bell peppers with goat creme cheese and veggies.  There's enough food left over for another week's worth of meals.

I'm not active on my facebook right now. I'm sad because facebook changed their policies about pages and you basically have to pay after January 2015 for people to see your content. I ain't got that kind of money.  I'm sad because a lot of really awesome pages might go bye-bye while I'm gone.  I'll have a website hopefully soon though, so that I can stop relying on Etsy and Zibbet.

I AM on ello under Evelyn Stormrose, so if anyone is over there and not already friended me, please feel free, drop me a line too while you're at.

I will have be having two coats at the end of February up for grabs.  No clues about the colors, you'll just have to wait and see.

Okay, I've rambled on enough for today. =) See you guys tomorrow.

I am a....

My mind makes strange logic jumps.  I think everyone who has a healthy mental state does.  We jump all over the place and find ourselves at what seems completely logically ends to a series of thoughts that only we the individual were privy too.  As to what it was that I was reading somewhere that triggered this.... I've no clue.

For a very long time I called myself a Wolf.

Why?

Because I knew myself to have a pack.  An inner group of friends and family that I would protect with claw, tooth and life.  An outer pack of friends and family, that I would protect tooth and claw.  An extended pack, given the circumstances, that would get the same treatment as the inner pack.

I knew I had a code.  You don't fuck with me, I don't fuck with you.  You don't prevent me from taking care of my pack, ditto.  There's a hierarchy of people I'll listen too.  I'll admit that I'm not able to fit into an Alpha/Beta paradigm.  I will be a second in command but if the "in command" person has his head up his ass, I will step and start giving orders until shit smooths out and start working again.  Then, back to just being that woman in the shadows.  Or maybe that's what a good Beta is.

Well, the pack, code and hierarchy are still there. I am part Wolf.

But that wasn't all.... so I looked deeper at another animal that is reflected by humans.  Coyotes.  The coyote is an odd creature.  In some North American cultures, he is the Creator. In other's he is the trickster.  In all, he forces one to look at themselves and evaluate their actions honestly.  Ever notice how coyotes take over empty Wolf territory?

Coyote...  they are a paradox creature.  I've been called an enigma many times.  Paradox even.  I have humor where I should have pain.  I use the humor to take the edge off the pain.  He is playful.  I've been told I'm too childish or too playful at times.  He is very adaptable.  There is no environment that he can't become used to and become a part of.  I've been finding... that is true for me.

 Coyotes are resourceful and very adaptable.  They are very very crafty.  I don't think I've encountered any kind of object or tool yet that could aid in my comfort for all practical purposes in a survival, prepping or what not situation that I couldn't engineer or figure out, based off of what skills I already know.

I've had to learn to be those.  So I'm part Coyote and part Wolf.

But those don't fit fully right either.

There is the Bald Eagle.  The symbol of our nation.  What is he?  He is courage and an encouragement to go beyond our comfort zones.  A creature of vision.  The Bald Eagle and his brothers of many types, have been upheld by cultures from around the world.  Why?

They fly the highest.  Their vision is the sharpest. They are endurance and resilience.

Things I've been learning to do over the past several years.  So I am part Eagle, Coyote and Wolf.

There's more though.

About March 2012 I was shown that I had Hummingbird medicine in my life.  Or rather, it was back in my life.  Hummingbird... she is unconditional love.  Now, I learned I was capable of this for my fiance, whom we'll call DZ from here on out.  DZ when he appeared in my life came when I needed love that was returned, because I was willing to give love in a manner most weren't used to getting unless they felt they had earned it.

I'm capable of some amazing things despite my size.  Just like her.  Since DZ and I have become involved, I've been more able to be playful again.  I can temper the cynical with playfulness.  Hummingbird is learning to find joy in life where most may not be able to see.  I'm learning that and have learned that.  She's also resilient.

Okay, so part Hummingbird then.  There's more.

Bison.... the American Buffalo.... known among folks as the spirit of abundance, protection, strength, survival, formulating beneficial plans... all things I can lay claim too in past two years.  A long two years.   A two years that have brought an abundance of challenges, love and healing.  Years of protection from the universe and Gods in the right ways that have kept me here on this world.  Years of finding small scraps of strength when I needed them.  Years of surviving the worst demons my inner self could throw at me and that others could throw.  Beginning to be a more vocal prepper but also working tempering my skills.  Finding a balance between being ready and still having fun.

I am Buffalo, Hummingbird, Eagle, Coyote, Wolf.

They make bring to forefront something that I think we've been lacking in our language.  A new word to apply to folks who don't feel that sheep dog or wolf is apt enough, to express the American spirit.  A word to express that which is the American resilience that blazed the trails to California.  A word that is the tenacity of the fighter that is an American soul.  A word that encompasses what we are as Americans, on all fronts.

Something to describe the millions of strong willed, freedom seeking, stubborn headed, loving, able to dream... people who came to North America, our ancestors.  Something to describe the blending of lives, culture and time.

I'm something much more terrifying that a Wolf and its pack.  A Coyote and his craftiness.  A Hummingbird, an Eagle and a Buffalo.

I'm a Chimera.  I am a combination of bloodlines, ideas and thoughts that make for a creature that is stronger than it's parts.

Americans are Chimera's.

 I am Chimera.

Smudge it.

No I'm not using that as a stand in for fuck it.  All though there have been times I've said it that way out of sheer frustration.  Makes for a good laugh afterwards.

I'm mean the process of lighting dried herbs or wood chips and wafting the smoke around.  Yeah, that native american thing.  Only that native american thing is pretty damn awesome.

I've been a studying witch since I was 16 and a practicing since I was about 19-20.  I've smudge with sage, sweet grass, etc etc.

Whether or not there is an actual scientific has been figured out for sure reason behind the smudge smoke being so effective at clearing out negative energy... I don't know.  If you have a link, I would love to see it.

I've known it's effects for years, but it always amazes me when I smudge how much lighter a place feels afterwards.  Smudging is great for when you're moving into a new place.

Though depending on where you live, you may to smudge more frequently... like the apartment building I live in.  Most of the folks here are normal decent folks.  However, shit still bleeds over.  It's an apartment building.  You can't have the number of people over a year that live here and not have stuff building up that is some nasty negative energy.  Smudging weekly is a must in an apartment.

Bad energy builds up quicker in an apartment it seems.  Mostly just because of all the people concentrated into one building I think.  That's something I look forward to about Arizona: the possibility of having a house that I will only need to smudge once a month, and in emergencies.  Not just every Wednesday.

Time for a change.

"Uh oh.... what kind of change Evie?"

Relax.  It's... okay yeah actually it is kinda major.

One of the things that a Witch should be doing frequently, is introspection.  Self-improvement is vital but ego is meant to be a tool, not make you into a tool.

One must be aware of their interactions in every light.

Yesterday I found myself staring back at the realization that I have a large amount of work to do... and that I can't do it with my facebook stuff still active.  We ALL know how much a time sink that place can be.

Well it's also the home of keyboard warriors and their liquid courage.  Loose lips sink ships?

Loose fingers cause episodes.

Last two months have been many micro and small episodes after scanning my facebook feed and coming away dealing with memories.  That's a little too much power over someone.  I can't keep sacrificing my productivity just be online and debate with someone.   I better things to do, than sit on the floor staring at my computer screen wondering how the fuck someone could so god damn stupid.  The site is going full on depression trigger some days.

What happens when something has too much power of you?  You remove it. Completely.

Everything on Facebook is going to be shut down a few days before Yule.  Probably will be back up online there next summer.  The Zibbit and Etsy will be on vacation from December 18th to January 15th.  They'll be online and available for your perusal after January 15th again.  However, there may not be a lot of in-stock things.

I am going to be working on a new website, one where I can have the store, this blog and everything I work on in ONE place.

Yeah, there are folks I won't know how are doing because the only way we interact is Facebook.  There's only a few of folks that I'll actually seriously miss that I only interact with on FB.  Like a Controlled Chaos and MurphyMonster's Dad...  But the site has become a source of stress, and less and less enjoyment every day.  I'm looking at Ello and maybe MiWe I think it was called as maybe a new option over Facebook, but I'm not sure on those either.

But I am dangerously close to burning out.  I can feel that crinkling sensation that seems to happen at the edge when you've pushed yourself on one particular topic for too long.

You do what you have to in order to take care of yourself.  Regardless of what others might think is best for you.  They aren't you.  They aren't dealing with the consequences of YOUR actions.  They aren't responsible for your mess, your emotions, your problems.  You can weigh their advice against a situation, and toss it if you know it's wrong.

Sometimes the only piece of advice that's worth listening to is, "Now I'm not you..."

Fuck off Murphy....

punk ass.  I can see you over there just waiting for your chance.  It was a bitch ass move to make the Fiance's boots a half size too small, but those little things are the only thing you better fuck with this November.  Bitch.

Well I am back to just as normal for me as I can get.  The muscle pain is gone and well my appetite is not quite still there yet, it's recovered as well as can be expected.

With the recovery came being able to double down on work again. How much you work you ask?

Allow me to breakdown my orders for you.

Order #1, what's left of it anyways:
A green coat
A light browns coat
A messenger bag

Order two:
2 Toothless (yeap, cute little bugger)

Order #3:
A Ma Cobb hat
A dark blue and black scarf

Order #4:
Another Ma Cobb Hat

Order #5:
A large green shawl

Order #6:
Three Christmas stockings

Order #7:
Dolls (though how many of these I'll be making I'm not sure yet...)

"That's a lot of work there..."

Well kinda.  I have all the patterns, I know what and how these are all going to look like (save the messenger bag, I keep changing my mind on it.)  However I've also got pictures I need to take, and my fiance is never home long enough to doing nothing for long enough to get drafted.

I need a kid... Well... maybe not.  I need more space, which we're going to get when we move to Arizona.  Which means more cooking and baking (yay!). And I digress....

Anyways, that means you guys who take the time to read here, may be getting stuck with cheat articles of pictures of projects as they are coming along and videos of cute stuff.  Maybe some prepping or survivalist videos if I can find some I like.  (Yeah, key term there.)

Sadly I do not have any Samhain plans (pronounced Sow-in) aka Halloween for you mundanes. I'm fairly certain it'll rather simple, spiced cider and a good meal with the Fiance.  I'm rather content with that actually.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a good week, a great Thursday and I'll see ya'll Saturday.

Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy some more coffee, and then get cracking on work.

Glorious

So yesterday was eight hours in the car.  We left, I chilled in the vehicle while he dealt with a court thing and then we grabbed some .22 and 45 and started driving.

This morning I wake up in a gloriously different place from LA.  Yeap, Arizona.

"How can Arizona be better that California?"

Ah my dears, that is because you might be forgetting that everyone has different priorities.  I'm a Witch, k?

Here in Arizona the vibe...it's the difference between stepping into cool water on a hot day and looking at dirty, muddy, been tramped in for weeks on end and knowing you can't get out of going in.  The latter being California.

The vibe is just better.  It's cleaner. It's less artificial feeling to me to be honest.  Plus there's constitutional carry.  ^_^

Now onto the gross bits...

Gross bit section begin:
An update on the ongoing project of using re-usable cotton pads.  Ever since I was started my periods, my right ovary has been the real cunt of the two.  Everything from when the cramps hit of collapsing at work and getting sent home to being violently ill for about four days.  My left one is not as bad.   Hell the left one is a little angel compared to this bitch of a right one. The left one about 75% only causes cramps for about a day and 100% of the time cravings for red meat.  (The rawer, the better!)

Well since using the cotton ones I made, the right one has been reduced from four days to two days.  This is a major improvement.

Another thing I've noticed is that the tissue lining (this is what you end up bleeding during the period) seems to be having an easier time of coming loose.  I've gone from 4-8 days of periods to 3-6.  Yes this means heavier periods, however that just in the first day or two.  This means I'm back on my feet and able to be fully productive again faster.

Read that last sentence again and understand that that is incredibly important to me.  If I'm not feeling close to 100%, I can't do my crochet work.... this leads to other problems.

End Gross Part

Another thing that has cropped up that is going to be crucial to address, is the fact that I have lost my familiarity with guns.  This pisses me off to no end.  Hence why grabbing a bit of 22 from storage and 45 was so damn important yesterday.

I'm one of the girls who used to work for Oleg Volk for fuck's sake, I knew guns and they were
merely objects.

Really fun to shoot objects, but pistols and rifles held no power.  Now, because of losing my familiarity with them...they bring back a few memories that I don't need.  Like the fact that one of my first firearms teachers was also treating me like a cumbucket ("You have no concept of how to easy on yourself do you?" Nope.) and was also one of my rapist when it was all said and done.  He was a lousy fucking teacher.  Can't handle shotguns because of it.  (Fuck him by the way.  Karma ain't done with him yet.)

This is going to be one of the harder projects to work on as I refuse to let this stand.  I will be pistol packing again full time once in Arizona full time and I'm not going to do it afraid.  I will not let something that helps me be able to walk unafraid of other piece of shit wanna be humans, be a fucking PTSD trigger.

I will not be afraid.

Fear is the mind killer....

True Believers.... oye ve

I'm going to apologize first off because today's post is going to be a bit chaotic as I don't have the concept fully realized as yet, but I'll be attempting to iron that as we go.

True believers.

I think every last one of us just winced as an example (regardless of what the ideology point is) popped into our heads of someone we know or have encountered.

They range from these idiots who think Islam is harmless (SPIT!) to greenies to the really douchebag kind of gunnies to the fucktards like Westboro Baptist Church.

They fervently believe in something and hate all who would disagree with them let alone debate them let alone not just automatically agree with them because they are of "Thinking right and are saying the right things."

This doesn't just happen with Left-Wingers, it happens with Right-Wingers too.  It always happens with any topic (regardless of minor a topic might seem to you or me). There is a tendency among humans to become too obsessed with an idea(s).  Now this is not to say that being obsessed with an idea is a bad thing.  That kind comes across as determination, examples being like Tesla and giving us AC current for our power grids. (Thank you, you socialist psychopath by the way.  Seriously, the man was nuts.)

Being a "True Believer" is dangerous.  Jonestown or the Burning Times ring a bell anyone?

There's a saying among Pagans "Remember the Burning Times."  It's said to remember people of what happens when the line between believer and fanatic becomes blurred.  It's estimated millions were killed during these times as the Witch Hunts became an easy vehicle of revenge, theft and removing your enemies from your path.  "True Believers" or fanatics, merely became pawns of skilled manipulators, and because of it, more christians were killed than any other group.

Hence, "Remember the Burning Times."

As for Jonestown...well, you do realize that the saying "Drinking the Kool Aid" had its start here.  That idiot was an incredibly extreme case of what a personality cult looks like.  Believe it or not, it'll happen again.  There are hundreds of "True Believers" in almost every single cause, topic, politics or religion on this planet.

They will kill, maim, rape, and force their way into whatever they want.  ISIS is the prime example currently of this.  They aren't going to stop until they are exterminated or they win.

I've been seeing friends trying to say don't judge of all of Islam based on ISIS.  Um... you have to judge all of Islam by them.

Read the Koran.  Muslims are supposed to lie to you because you're an infidel.

And according to this idiot Claudette... she's not capable of staying on topic and isn't able to be coherent.

<<< is an example of a True Believer, who would kill herself if the people who she's allowed to become her masters, told her she entertained bad think, you should die now.

And to be clear, I'm with Chris and Joseph on this.  I need to send him a very BIG bottle of whisky.

The topic was a large fish kill that this stupid idiot was claiming was the cause.  The fish kill was actually caused by a massive fire.

She tried to say they don't release what it is that's in the frakking chemicals.... two-four people provided half a dozen links where several companies provided a FULL CHEMICAL DISCLOSURE OF THEIR FRAKKING SOLUTIONS.

They debated back and forth for a few hours, but this picture had the gold.

The in-coherency, the "offended by you and your facts" attitude, the inconsistency in position... marks of a true believer...

There's those who believe that there is a shadow organization controlling us from behind the scenes... There is actually a lot of people who you would normally think are more intelligent than this, who believe this.  It's ridiculous the number of organizations that have been outright invented as this shadowy figure.

*head desk*
*headdeskheaddesk*

Seriously, the number of people who are trying to blame something non-existent for their behavior and lack of being able to do anything on something that doesn't exist is... mind-boggling.

Now, I'll admit... if I'm not careful, I can easily slide into becoming too obsessed with learning information on (Yellowstone, Puma Punka, astronomy, geology, etc).  I've noted as long as I don't focus on one thing too much (crochet doesn't count) I can stay away and far away from that line of fanaticism into any one topic.

These "True Believers" become obsessed with one thing or the umbrella of set of ideals.  You know them, I know them, they are everywhere.

These people are just sick in the head.  Period.  They are unbalanced, they are sick, they exist everywhere with any topic or umbrella of topics.  They are fanatics.

Unfortunately depending on ideology, fanatics are tolerated because they are doing the dirty work commanded by their God.

For those who just pointed fingers at Christianity.... wrong.

Islam.

Now, just to be clear, there are Muslims who are good people.  They are at that point in their faith, that they have rejected the violent tenants of Islam.  They do exist. There are many who exist who serve in the Israeli army to protect their homeland against Islamic ragheads.

As per the tenants of Islam though... you can't be American and Muslim... so any Muslims who are loyal to the United States that live here... You're gonna need a new name for a little bit.

*Stitch, stitch, stitch....*

"Just keep stitching, just keep stitching."

There are many days and times were this is the only mantra that I have going through my head.  It certainly was last week.  Concept called mindful knitting or crocheting.

I had stumbled onto this on my own a few years back but a friend recently pointed it out to me online, and a rabbit hole later I'd found a lot of information on it.

Why mindfulness is great?

Pretty simple actually.

You're are preventing events of that day/moment from draining you of energy you need for other things.  You're removing the power an event or memory has over you, by focusing on the yarn and project in your hand.

We are all aware of the significance of last week (9/11).  Being the passionate woman that I am (Yes, I heard that chortle) I decided for my sanity (what little of it that's left) would be better spent knitting or crocheting last week. As I had two personal anniversaries that make me cringe still that week, one of them being my first wreck ever at 26 (yes, I was pretty lucky to go that long, but there were a lot of things I could have done to avoid that wreck. No one was killed or badly injured, but it still bothers me a LOT).

And as we all know, 9/11 brings out the idiots of various conspiracy theories and just plain bullshit of people who can't seem to grasp the manner.  I hate that entire bullshit.  I repeat, HATE that bullshit.  It's one of the disrespectful displays of arrogance, bubble syndrome and plain naivete.  It spits on the graves of those who were lost when people quibble over what happened.

I still have the image seared into my head of them showing what used to be a dozen floors squashed into a space less than, if I recall correctly, four feet thick.  I'm still stunned by the news from friends who lost folks, that they are still identifying remains even today.

Those two reasons are part of why I won't engage in the endless roundabouts of what happened.  It's rude to the dead and disrespectful to the people who survived the events and the folks that the victims left behind.  Then you have the repercussions of those events, that increased all who were affected.  Which is a whole other kit and kaboodle of worms that need thrown on fishing hooks and drowned while sitting on the banks of a lake or river, while sipping cold beer and enjoying those who are with you.

So I put my headphones in or talked to my fiance or we went and watched the sunsets.  I just kept stitching.  Mindfulness extends to not just knitting or crocheting.  You can apply it to washing dishes, walking dogs, reading books, sharpening tools, cleaning guns, sitting with a cup of coffee and just watching the sunrise or sunrise or a thunderstorm move, etc.  It's healthy.  It counter acts depression.

It lets you have a few moments of just you. Of sweet, lucid, calming sliver of time that is just you and the world.  It lets you step back and reevaluate what's going on.  Re-establishes your boundaries, your balance, your center.  It takes the edge of this rape victim's PTSD flashbacks. It shortens them. Makes me lucid faster.  Yeah, the project ends up a bit wet from crying (yeah, I just admitted that), but I'm out of it faster.  It lets me work off the anger over careless from people who should know better and it let me work off the hatred over ignorant dipshits who don't know what the fuck it is they are talking about.

I've received a lot of criticism in the past year or so, over an increasing reluctance to commit to "pet causes."  There's been a rash of "warm fuzzy" causes, that you do for less than a minute and you get to brag you did for a couple of days and then what?  That was shallow, fleeting and you're back at square one with...well, I can't classify what for you as I'm not you.  And yes, this me criticizing several things all lumped together.

When you decide to champion a cause, you need to do it every day, even if it's just for a few minutes of sharing relevant information or laying out plans for the next event, etc.  You need to actually champion it.  You need to wear it like a tattoo.

So in response to a rather snide cunt, who may or may not be female, I'll listing out my causes again for all to see.  I don't really care if they are you "flavor" nor do I give a flying fuck if they align with your politics.  These are my babies, that I want to help as much as I am able to help. Many times, all I can do is help spread the word they exist but at least I'm trying to stay consistent.

The Battle Buddy Foundation  

Hats for Our Veterans

Right now, that's because I can't find the others or even remember which folders I have them bookmarked into.  Hats is run by a sweet lady, and donates several dozen (I think this year they managed a couple hundred hats) to organizations that work with homeless vets.  It's not much, but a warm hat, scarf and gloves is better than nothing, which is what I otherwise have.

For TBBF, it's sharing as frequently as I can and spreading the word.

So there.  That's my ramblings for today.  Now if you'll excuse me....*stitch stitch stitch stitch stitch...*

It's looking lazy...

It's been one of those weeks.  I despise weeks like that to be honest but when your muses don't wanna play, you just kinda roll with it and work on projects that don't require too much creative juice.

You can throw some podcasts on in the background and just veg crochet.  You ignore deadlines.  You ignore the phone.  You ignore the world.

The end result is a bit jarring. You're a lot calmer at the end of that day.  You're able to look at things much more objectively.  You're able to look at discussions and go... This ain't my circus.  Fuck these idiots.  I have better things to do.

Like figure out what's going into my Book of Shadows.  Usually a Wiccan, Witch, Pagan, etc will keep a large amount of collected information and things that they've actually tried in terms of spells and rituals in said book.  

I've been studying and practicing for about... 13 years now.  My book of shadows is... sad looking.  I don't have a lot in it right now, but that's because I've not really done a lot of this "formal magick."  Formal magick being used in reference to actually collecting spell and ritual components, doing the groundwork of divining the right time of the day/night and doing the quarter calls, invocations etc.  I call that formal work.  When was the last time I did a ritual?  About two years ago.  I did one to finally fully let go of the babies I had lost in my miscarriages.  Named, said good-bye to one at a time, and let go of.

Most of the magick I do, when I actually find it's needed, is informal.  It's "Oh shit, that's a lot of friends on facebook reporting they feel like shit, time to break out some light blue and white candles!"  and let them burn through the day.   It's "damnit, I didn't need to think about this past traumatic event, time for some purple."   It's "That's our neighbors arguing for the fifth time this week and it's only Tuesday, I'm smudging right now because I don't need that shit leaking in."

It's having fluorite and Tiger's Eye in my pocket that I can play with when I'm out in public and start feeling the anxiety coming on.  (Mine deals with too many people in one place, have had that problem since I was little, but it got worse as you can expect with the PTSD fully actualized.)  It's having animals get a lot closer to me than other humans just to say hi.  (Heh, the Fiance is still getting used to this.)

But I'm digressing, back to the Book of Shadows.  It's always evolving to be honest.  At least they should be.  As you're growing in your craft, your book should be growing and evolving to reflect the information you're learning and not just about magick, but also about yourself.

Mine is like I said, kinda empty.  Mostly because I've been journaling in a separate book for over twenty years.  What goes in the BOS is what I use in my magick frequently.  Mostly just to commit the information to memory more than to refer to, but it's still kinda....well, abnormal if you believe a chunk of the magick community.

Keeping true to yourself in magick is more important than keeping true to a set dogma taught via book or person.  Else, it just spins out of control and you will find spells going haywire, situations that were once peachy going sour, finances crumble, etc.