Self Care First Aid!

Today's post might be a bit of tangled mess and for that I apologize. I had a great idea it's just been a bitch trying to figure out how to express the different points. Hell even identifying the different points that are important have been... kinda fighting me. Doesn't help that today was laundry day. It wasn't all that stressful today as the laundry mat was all mostly older folks who don't really bother anyone. It was just stressful enough that when we got home and I noticed one of the dogs knocked over my tomatoes plants at some point this morning, I had to sit down and crochet for awhile. In this instance checking to see if a design of mine would work in chunky yarn. Oh hey... I guess that ties back into my title doesn't it?

So let's talk about a small elephant in the room. No seriously, it's a small one. Maybe about two or three years old. Pagans, Wiccan's, Witches, Heathens... whatever your tag, it seems like we have a lot more people than other groups that deal with anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. I think a part of that is one of the things that is becoming or has become intrinsic to our 'community', is taking on a level of emotional honesty about what we're dealing as human beings. How many of us can honestly say the last Sabbat, Esbat or God/dess feast day we remembered to celebrate without being reminding by the Internet or friends? I think I managed last night, but it was because I was engaged in a self care ritual of sorts.

I'm starting to think we need to have a little bit of a focus shift. We can't be good stewards of our craft, if we aren't taking care of ourselves. We can't take care of our communities. Our inner circle of tribe, our friends or our family. We can't take care of our home or the pets that the Universe has placed in our lives to bring us some joy and unconditional love. 

It's time we do some first aid our lives and minds when it comes to our self care habits and needs. So I've been trying to figure out how to hash out the steps which was a bit more complicated today than normal. Usually when I do one of these essay's the words flow. Not today so much. They are there but they need some coaxing. So let's do some breaking down.

Normal first aid has steps like stopping bleeding, clearing airways, etc.

So needless to say our steps are going to be very different in some regards and more in depth.

1. Identify your worst problems. Like for me it's my depression, anxiety and PTSD mental and emotional wise. Physical wise it's I hate being pain so I don't exercise like I should be and hip problems. 
2. Identify your Shadow.
   This is the part of yourself that has everything repressed. Don't sweat identifying everything. Shadow work is something EVERYONE regardless of beliefs should do. It's a life long thing too. Everything you try to force yourself to forget and every negative emotion you squash becomes a part of the shadow and shadows left un-dealt with become something much much worse.
3. Identify how your problems manifest themselves.
   Do you skip showers for days? (We need to save money on the water bill. I have no friends who come over so why bother. I'm always sick. I don't have the energy.)
   Just don't eat? (I have got to finish this project. I don't want to get out of bed. Why do I even bother cleaning this house no one cares? etc etc etc)
   Obsessively engage in a behavior? You get the general idea.
4. Identify feedback loops, both positive and negative.
   I literally just got done this couple of weeks figuring out this step. Forcing yourself to put down your work so that you can eat, bathe, worship etc; is fucking hard.
5. Identify all the things that make you feel better.
   Pet play time! A good cup of coffee or tea. Taking a hot bath with smelly goods. Putting a favorite album on repeat. 
6. Identify what you are spending the most time and whether or not it's actually making you feel better in the long term. Short term be damned.
   If you're spending hours on ( insert site) arguing, you're not improving your mental mindset. You're not improving your ability to take care of yourself. You're not loving on your dog or cat or what not. You're not catching up on dishes, on cleaning a floor, on making that hat you promised. You're wasting time on things that aren't constructive to yourself, your home and those that genuinely need you. You're harming yourself. Quit that.

All of those take work and time. The next step of Self Care First Aid after Identification? I'm still working on how to explain that part with clarity. For me it's been setting up routines. It's been designating a chore hour where:

• I fill the dish drainer with dishes at least once if not at least five dishes clean.(This will get upped to at least six dishes in a couple of months.)
• Check on my plants on my way outside to throw away the day's trash and check on the mail.
• Morning routines are drinking coffee in bed currently (Seriously OMG I love DR dearly. Most mornings, this is my day start. Along with being under a purring cat and puppy pile.)
• Not checking social media sites right away. I go play one of my mobile games.
• Check my Bujo to do lists so that I know how much energy I'm spending today on the once or twice a week chore.

See what I mean about that second part? It's been hard to nail down

into a process. Plus there's the long hot relaxing bath on full moons now. There's literally nothing stopping any of us from being engaged in our practices in a manner that helps us be better people. Taking care of ourselves and our self care processes becoming better so that our days are less stressful because let's face it, we are our own biggest sources of stress 99,999,999 out of 100,000,000 times. We are to blame for things becoming sources of aggravation because we aren't weighing what is going on properly. This is self harm. And we all need to stop it.

I've been trying to figure out a way to express a "13 Full Moons of Self Care" kind of idea. It's percolating but don't expect it any time soon. 13 full moons of just taking care of yourself and your home. Because let's face it folks: You can't serve the Gods/Universe if you're too broken to even be honest with yourself about your life's condition. You can't take care of the God/s requests, if you won't take care of yourself. And you sure as hell can't take care of other people, if you don't have even 50% of your own shit straight.

Oh 2018 What the hell have you done?

So here we are in the year 2018. It's been three years since I last touch this blog however even with all the shenanigans that Google has been pulling, this is the better option blog.

Wordpress while slick and shiny demands I have to have a business account if I want to be able to even have my Etsy listings show up right. 36 bucks a year for "Business" and the premium that would get them off my back permanently all year... 300 bucks.

No thanks fuckers, I barely have enough profit margin right now to be able to even afford to pay the cable.

So I'm back over here where I can advertise my stores for free and not have eat into financial resources that I don't fucking have.

Once again, this is going to be an everything blog. Talking about my personal crocheting, mental health and emotional overflow from said issues, knitting, writing, dealing with my PTSD, anxiety, depression, prepping (I don't write for BCP anymore but am still associated with them).

And yes there will be pet shenanigans. Many many pet shenanigans.

So buckle up, because this year has just started and the outline for it looks pretty damn solid so far.

Smudge it.

No I'm not using that as a stand in for fuck it.  All though there have been times I've said it that way out of sheer frustration.  Makes for a good laugh afterwards.

I'm mean the process of lighting dried herbs or wood chips and wafting the smoke around.  Yeah, that native american thing.  Only that native american thing is pretty damn awesome.

I've been a studying witch since I was 16 and a practicing since I was about 19-20.  I've smudge with sage, sweet grass, etc etc.

Whether or not there is an actual scientific has been figured out for sure reason behind the smudge smoke being so effective at clearing out negative energy... I don't know.  If you have a link, I would love to see it.

I've known it's effects for years, but it always amazes me when I smudge how much lighter a place feels afterwards.  Smudging is great for when you're moving into a new place.

Though depending on where you live, you may to smudge more frequently... like the apartment building I live in.  Most of the folks here are normal decent folks.  However, shit still bleeds over.  It's an apartment building.  You can't have the number of people over a year that live here and not have stuff building up that is some nasty negative energy.  Smudging weekly is a must in an apartment.

Bad energy builds up quicker in an apartment it seems.  Mostly just because of all the people concentrated into one building I think.  That's something I look forward to about Arizona: the possibility of having a house that I will only need to smudge once a month, and in emergencies.  Not just every Wednesday.

Fuck off Murphy....

punk ass.  I can see you over there just waiting for your chance.  It was a bitch ass move to make the Fiance's boots a half size too small, but those little things are the only thing you better fuck with this November.  Bitch.

Well I am back to just as normal for me as I can get.  The muscle pain is gone and well my appetite is not quite still there yet, it's recovered as well as can be expected.

With the recovery came being able to double down on work again. How much you work you ask?

Allow me to breakdown my orders for you.

Order #1, what's left of it anyways:
A green coat
A light browns coat
A messenger bag

Order two:
2 Toothless (yeap, cute little bugger)

Order #3:
A Ma Cobb hat
A dark blue and black scarf

Order #4:
Another Ma Cobb Hat

Order #5:
A large green shawl

Order #6:
Three Christmas stockings

Order #7:
Dolls (though how many of these I'll be making I'm not sure yet...)

"That's a lot of work there..."

Well kinda.  I have all the patterns, I know what and how these are all going to look like (save the messenger bag, I keep changing my mind on it.)  However I've also got pictures I need to take, and my fiance is never home long enough to doing nothing for long enough to get drafted.

I need a kid... Well... maybe not.  I need more space, which we're going to get when we move to Arizona.  Which means more cooking and baking (yay!). And I digress....

Anyways, that means you guys who take the time to read here, may be getting stuck with cheat articles of pictures of projects as they are coming along and videos of cute stuff.  Maybe some prepping or survivalist videos if I can find some I like.  (Yeah, key term there.)

Sadly I do not have any Samhain plans (pronounced Sow-in) aka Halloween for you mundanes. I'm fairly certain it'll rather simple, spiced cider and a good meal with the Fiance.  I'm rather content with that actually.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a good week, a great Thursday and I'll see ya'll Saturday.

Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy some more coffee, and then get cracking on work.

The Problem....

is people expect other people to have identical experiences.

US Marine Corps expect people to think like them.

US Air Force expect people to think like them.

US Army expect people to think like them.

US Navy expect people to think like them.

US Coast Guard expect people to think like them.

US Civilians expect people to think like them.

...all the while forgetting that every last individuals experience is different, translated differently by that individual's experience.

Civilians can't understand military and military can't understand civilian because most of the time they BOTH are too stupid to remember that the life experiences are different.

That the goals are different.  That the past experiences temper how one sees the present.

Experience or lack there of, dictates how one is able to relate or understand.

And when one is used to someone normally getting it, it's a huge betrayal when even the one is using language that using the other can understand, they don't!

They don't get it.

You can't talk it out in the normal left-wing or right-wing methods.

Somebody has to shut the fuck up.

Someone has to humble themselves to the point of listening.

And when they don't, they can't get pissy and claim you're trying to be all "victimy".  ( Totally a word!)

You can hear someone all day long.

Whether or not you've listened shows through in how you treat that person.

True Believers.... oye ve

I'm going to apologize first off because today's post is going to be a bit chaotic as I don't have the concept fully realized as yet, but I'll be attempting to iron that as we go.

True believers.

I think every last one of us just winced as an example (regardless of what the ideology point is) popped into our heads of someone we know or have encountered.

They range from these idiots who think Islam is harmless (SPIT!) to greenies to the really douchebag kind of gunnies to the fucktards like Westboro Baptist Church.

They fervently believe in something and hate all who would disagree with them let alone debate them let alone not just automatically agree with them because they are of "Thinking right and are saying the right things."

This doesn't just happen with Left-Wingers, it happens with Right-Wingers too.  It always happens with any topic (regardless of minor a topic might seem to you or me). There is a tendency among humans to become too obsessed with an idea(s).  Now this is not to say that being obsessed with an idea is a bad thing.  That kind comes across as determination, examples being like Tesla and giving us AC current for our power grids. (Thank you, you socialist psychopath by the way.  Seriously, the man was nuts.)

Being a "True Believer" is dangerous.  Jonestown or the Burning Times ring a bell anyone?

There's a saying among Pagans "Remember the Burning Times."  It's said to remember people of what happens when the line between believer and fanatic becomes blurred.  It's estimated millions were killed during these times as the Witch Hunts became an easy vehicle of revenge, theft and removing your enemies from your path.  "True Believers" or fanatics, merely became pawns of skilled manipulators, and because of it, more christians were killed than any other group.

Hence, "Remember the Burning Times."

As for Jonestown...well, you do realize that the saying "Drinking the Kool Aid" had its start here.  That idiot was an incredibly extreme case of what a personality cult looks like.  Believe it or not, it'll happen again.  There are hundreds of "True Believers" in almost every single cause, topic, politics or religion on this planet.

They will kill, maim, rape, and force their way into whatever they want.  ISIS is the prime example currently of this.  They aren't going to stop until they are exterminated or they win.

I've been seeing friends trying to say don't judge of all of Islam based on ISIS.  Um... you have to judge all of Islam by them.

Read the Koran.  Muslims are supposed to lie to you because you're an infidel.

And according to this idiot Claudette... she's not capable of staying on topic and isn't able to be coherent.

<<< is an example of a True Believer, who would kill herself if the people who she's allowed to become her masters, told her she entertained bad think, you should die now.

And to be clear, I'm with Chris and Joseph on this.  I need to send him a very BIG bottle of whisky.

The topic was a large fish kill that this stupid idiot was claiming was the cause.  The fish kill was actually caused by a massive fire.

She tried to say they don't release what it is that's in the frakking chemicals.... two-four people provided half a dozen links where several companies provided a FULL CHEMICAL DISCLOSURE OF THEIR FRAKKING SOLUTIONS.

They debated back and forth for a few hours, but this picture had the gold.

The in-coherency, the "offended by you and your facts" attitude, the inconsistency in position... marks of a true believer...

There's those who believe that there is a shadow organization controlling us from behind the scenes... There is actually a lot of people who you would normally think are more intelligent than this, who believe this.  It's ridiculous the number of organizations that have been outright invented as this shadowy figure.

*head desk*
*headdeskheaddesk*

Seriously, the number of people who are trying to blame something non-existent for their behavior and lack of being able to do anything on something that doesn't exist is... mind-boggling.

Now, I'll admit... if I'm not careful, I can easily slide into becoming too obsessed with learning information on (Yellowstone, Puma Punka, astronomy, geology, etc).  I've noted as long as I don't focus on one thing too much (crochet doesn't count) I can stay away and far away from that line of fanaticism into any one topic.

These "True Believers" become obsessed with one thing or the umbrella of set of ideals.  You know them, I know them, they are everywhere.

These people are just sick in the head.  Period.  They are unbalanced, they are sick, they exist everywhere with any topic or umbrella of topics.  They are fanatics.

Unfortunately depending on ideology, fanatics are tolerated because they are doing the dirty work commanded by their God.

For those who just pointed fingers at Christianity.... wrong.

Islam.

Now, just to be clear, there are Muslims who are good people.  They are at that point in their faith, that they have rejected the violent tenants of Islam.  They do exist. There are many who exist who serve in the Israeli army to protect their homeland against Islamic ragheads.

As per the tenants of Islam though... you can't be American and Muslim... so any Muslims who are loyal to the United States that live here... You're gonna need a new name for a little bit.

*Stitch, stitch, stitch....*

"Just keep stitching, just keep stitching."

There are many days and times were this is the only mantra that I have going through my head.  It certainly was last week.  Concept called mindful knitting or crocheting.

I had stumbled onto this on my own a few years back but a friend recently pointed it out to me online, and a rabbit hole later I'd found a lot of information on it.

Why mindfulness is great?

Pretty simple actually.

You're are preventing events of that day/moment from draining you of energy you need for other things.  You're removing the power an event or memory has over you, by focusing on the yarn and project in your hand.

We are all aware of the significance of last week (9/11).  Being the passionate woman that I am (Yes, I heard that chortle) I decided for my sanity (what little of it that's left) would be better spent knitting or crocheting last week. As I had two personal anniversaries that make me cringe still that week, one of them being my first wreck ever at 26 (yes, I was pretty lucky to go that long, but there were a lot of things I could have done to avoid that wreck. No one was killed or badly injured, but it still bothers me a LOT).

And as we all know, 9/11 brings out the idiots of various conspiracy theories and just plain bullshit of people who can't seem to grasp the manner.  I hate that entire bullshit.  I repeat, HATE that bullshit.  It's one of the disrespectful displays of arrogance, bubble syndrome and plain naivete.  It spits on the graves of those who were lost when people quibble over what happened.

I still have the image seared into my head of them showing what used to be a dozen floors squashed into a space less than, if I recall correctly, four feet thick.  I'm still stunned by the news from friends who lost folks, that they are still identifying remains even today.

Those two reasons are part of why I won't engage in the endless roundabouts of what happened.  It's rude to the dead and disrespectful to the people who survived the events and the folks that the victims left behind.  Then you have the repercussions of those events, that increased all who were affected.  Which is a whole other kit and kaboodle of worms that need thrown on fishing hooks and drowned while sitting on the banks of a lake or river, while sipping cold beer and enjoying those who are with you.

So I put my headphones in or talked to my fiance or we went and watched the sunsets.  I just kept stitching.  Mindfulness extends to not just knitting or crocheting.  You can apply it to washing dishes, walking dogs, reading books, sharpening tools, cleaning guns, sitting with a cup of coffee and just watching the sunrise or sunrise or a thunderstorm move, etc.  It's healthy.  It counter acts depression.

It lets you have a few moments of just you. Of sweet, lucid, calming sliver of time that is just you and the world.  It lets you step back and reevaluate what's going on.  Re-establishes your boundaries, your balance, your center.  It takes the edge of this rape victim's PTSD flashbacks. It shortens them. Makes me lucid faster.  Yeah, the project ends up a bit wet from crying (yeah, I just admitted that), but I'm out of it faster.  It lets me work off the anger over careless from people who should know better and it let me work off the hatred over ignorant dipshits who don't know what the fuck it is they are talking about.

I've received a lot of criticism in the past year or so, over an increasing reluctance to commit to "pet causes."  There's been a rash of "warm fuzzy" causes, that you do for less than a minute and you get to brag you did for a couple of days and then what?  That was shallow, fleeting and you're back at square one with...well, I can't classify what for you as I'm not you.  And yes, this me criticizing several things all lumped together.

When you decide to champion a cause, you need to do it every day, even if it's just for a few minutes of sharing relevant information or laying out plans for the next event, etc.  You need to actually champion it.  You need to wear it like a tattoo.

So in response to a rather snide cunt, who may or may not be female, I'll listing out my causes again for all to see.  I don't really care if they are you "flavor" nor do I give a flying fuck if they align with your politics.  These are my babies, that I want to help as much as I am able to help. Many times, all I can do is help spread the word they exist but at least I'm trying to stay consistent.

The Battle Buddy Foundation  

Hats for Our Veterans

Right now, that's because I can't find the others or even remember which folders I have them bookmarked into.  Hats is run by a sweet lady, and donates several dozen (I think this year they managed a couple hundred hats) to organizations that work with homeless vets.  It's not much, but a warm hat, scarf and gloves is better than nothing, which is what I otherwise have.

For TBBF, it's sharing as frequently as I can and spreading the word.

So there.  That's my ramblings for today.  Now if you'll excuse me....*stitch stitch stitch stitch stitch...*

It's looking lazy...

It's been one of those weeks.  I despise weeks like that to be honest but when your muses don't wanna play, you just kinda roll with it and work on projects that don't require too much creative juice.

You can throw some podcasts on in the background and just veg crochet.  You ignore deadlines.  You ignore the phone.  You ignore the world.

The end result is a bit jarring. You're a lot calmer at the end of that day.  You're able to look at things much more objectively.  You're able to look at discussions and go... This ain't my circus.  Fuck these idiots.  I have better things to do.

Like figure out what's going into my Book of Shadows.  Usually a Wiccan, Witch, Pagan, etc will keep a large amount of collected information and things that they've actually tried in terms of spells and rituals in said book.  

I've been studying and practicing for about... 13 years now.  My book of shadows is... sad looking.  I don't have a lot in it right now, but that's because I've not really done a lot of this "formal magick."  Formal magick being used in reference to actually collecting spell and ritual components, doing the groundwork of divining the right time of the day/night and doing the quarter calls, invocations etc.  I call that formal work.  When was the last time I did a ritual?  About two years ago.  I did one to finally fully let go of the babies I had lost in my miscarriages.  Named, said good-bye to one at a time, and let go of.

Most of the magick I do, when I actually find it's needed, is informal.  It's "Oh shit, that's a lot of friends on facebook reporting they feel like shit, time to break out some light blue and white candles!"  and let them burn through the day.   It's "damnit, I didn't need to think about this past traumatic event, time for some purple."   It's "That's our neighbors arguing for the fifth time this week and it's only Tuesday, I'm smudging right now because I don't need that shit leaking in."

It's having fluorite and Tiger's Eye in my pocket that I can play with when I'm out in public and start feeling the anxiety coming on.  (Mine deals with too many people in one place, have had that problem since I was little, but it got worse as you can expect with the PTSD fully actualized.)  It's having animals get a lot closer to me than other humans just to say hi.  (Heh, the Fiance is still getting used to this.)

But I'm digressing, back to the Book of Shadows.  It's always evolving to be honest.  At least they should be.  As you're growing in your craft, your book should be growing and evolving to reflect the information you're learning and not just about magick, but also about yourself.

Mine is like I said, kinda empty.  Mostly because I've been journaling in a separate book for over twenty years.  What goes in the BOS is what I use in my magick frequently.  Mostly just to commit the information to memory more than to refer to, but it's still kinda....well, abnormal if you believe a chunk of the magick community.

Keeping true to yourself in magick is more important than keeping true to a set dogma taught via book or person.  Else, it just spins out of control and you will find spells going haywire, situations that were once peachy going sour, finances crumble, etc.

Combining Passions

It's actually incredibly hard for me to write.  No seriously it is.  It gets incredibly frustrating when I can't describe what I want to relate to another person. Doesn't really matter what the topic is. It could be the prepping. It could be me relating new insights into what works for dealing with my PTSD.  It could be talking about Witchcraft or crocheting...

It just doesn't happen as easily as what I would like.

I have found though that if I'm doing two things I enjoy at once like listening to music while crocheting or watching college lectures while knitting, its much easier for me to get through my days...but writer's block tends to happen more frequently than I'd like.

I have one story at over 30k words total and the sequel is starting to form itself into a semblance of outline.  I have one trilogy of stories that are starting to online themselves in my head, I haven't been able to write those down yet.  I have a one outline began to what promises to be a massive novel. (Think Deathly Hollows massive.)  The past few weeks though... I go to pick up the pen and my mind blanks.  I set it down and the worlds that have become a reality of sort in my brain come dancing right back.

Okay, so I won't force myself to work on those.  I'm not a deadline, I don't have a contract to fulfill (though ya never know) and I don't need to stress myself out over it.

So my friend G, gets me interested enough in something called Pinterest... oh boy... I should have plugged my ears.  Don't get me wrong, that site is a wonderful resource but geez is it a rabbit hole. So many wonderful ideas and pieces of inspiration...

Which reminded me of a prior attempt to combine my passions.  Ever since I started practicing Witchcraft, not just studying (there was a good three years there before I felt I knew enough to even to a daily affirmation properly. ...it's a long story.) I wanted to combine my Craft with my craft.  I wanted to figure out and design crocheted and knit things that were beautiful.  That were elegant. That a fellow Witch would go "OH! That is the perfect altar cloth for (Lammas, Mabon etc)".

Take a wild guess as how well that's going....

I would, as they say "Head desk" however I don't have a desk.

Is it because I just don't have enough motivation?
Nah.  You should see some of my sketchbooks.

 I have the ideas, I have the skills to put the ideas together... I just don't know how to present them to other Witches and pagans and Asatrau and Wiccans as something they'd enjoy.  So I let the ideas keep simmering.  I have made rune bags and tarot card bags.  Those turn out just lovely every time too!

So... back I bounce to my writing.  Many times (when the muses aren't in what would appear to be a damn cat fight) I can sit and have the story out in front of me and be letting my mind wander over the scene that's open while I'm crocheting away.  Here in the past month or so... that's not been happening.  I start messing up big time with my stitches or nothing comes to mind, and I end putting the writing away.

I've even been struggling to maintain a pace with my yarn working, I can get about two hours in right now... when normally it's 6-9 hours.  I know it'll spring back to normal, it's just when and what it's going to take to blow out this block I'm having.  FEH I say my good person!

Oh and then's there's awesomeness like this...

"WHOA... what?"

She broke her arm.  Not being able to be crafty, was driving her nuts so... she'd figured out a way around it.  Hell if she can do that, I can certainly find ways to improve my passions.