Saturday, April 14, 2018

The weird things Nostalgia causes to happen.

Stormy Jonay

This was a Star Wars character I RP'd for close six years and then stopped due to issues with another player (albeit my fault for getting involved with that idiot. That idiot I stayed in TN for and so much shit could have changed if I hadn't developed a crush on him.)

Mind you I'm not really sure why Star Wars: Unforeseen Destiny crossed my mind. It'd been close to a decade since I had last thought of it just because of other things going on. So I went digging, partly out of fondness and partly because I wanted to see how they were doing.  This RP board is so old guys it started out on EZboards.com.  Yeah, that old.  Now this was our universe of Star Wars with it's own timeline after the events of Return of the Jedi.  Mara Jade and LukeSkywalker had been dead and gone for thirty years at least when Stormy came on scene.

I decided for shit and giggles to wrap her here. The board they moved.... just kind of died around 2011, six years ago.  They tried to start up again it looks like but...Life is not a kind nor cruel entity. It's just there.

So....let's see what I can do here.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

I don't know what to call this one.

This one is a bit jumbled as it's something that occurred to me earlier this week and I'm trying to see if I can't sort it out into something coherent. 

You guys are familiar with the Spoons Theory?  It's a fairly easy and accurate way to teach someone about illnesses and psychical limitations that one has to deal with.  There's also a Spell Slot Theory that is a twist on the Spoon theory that can be used to explain to folks who've a bit more experience in DnD or MMORPG that don't quite grok why you'd use spoons, because spoons can be washed... and there you can see why I grabbed onto the Spell Slot twist on it. It just made more sense. 

Well my brain being what it was, was rambling on on on on about how they aren't and can't be the same thing. My mind went "Hold up...You might actually be onto something."

Spoon theory is based on the finite number of resources emotionally, energy wise and mentally in order to accomplish tasks. Be they minor tasks like brushing your teeth and hair for some people or for others, just managing to get dressed. Spoon theory in of itself is a set theory. It suggests the lack of presence to grow. It also suggests that some spoonies just aren't willing to take the time to sit down and actually look at their spoons and classify things like grocery shopping, showering, doing one house chore this day and this house chore this day and how many spoons those take.

There are spoonies I know that could stand to do this. Why they haven't is because I think they are afraid to. It's an intimidating task being honest with yourself. 

Spoon theory can also be used a convenient excuse by those who refuse to do more. 

Spoon theory also doesn't account for the fact that human beings aren't milled from a single blueprint. Every human who is a spoony, is going to have a different number of spoons compared to another spoonie.

Spoon theory, while it works, is constrained. Its perfect for those with enough experience with their issues, that know they really are set in stone and perfect for those lazy fuckers who just don't want to do more. It's also been claimed by people who have no damn right to it. It's also been used by people, who aren't really spoonies, but should actually be using Spell Slot Theory.

Earlier I said, Spoon Theory is a rigid concept. There is no room for growth.

Spell Slot Theory is one that should by many in place of Spoon theory. Spell Slot theory acknowledges that we are all at different stages of dealing with our issues. For some folks they are limited to five level slots, three level 2 and one level 3 currently

You see by employing the Spell slots, you acknowledging you're a still learning growing human being. You're gaining experience every day with what you can and can't do, and how much of what you can do. You're not limited, by either the issue itself (Fibromayaglia, Lyme's disease, etc) or yourself because you've decided it's not worth the effort of trying (would you please stop fucking selling yourself short?).

Let's say every year of dealing with an year, is one level of experience. At base level, you have these things called cantrips. They are little no cost things. What might qualify as a cantrip:

  • Going to the bathroom
  • Getting a drink of water
  • Petting a kitty snuggled up to you
  • Hitting play on the next episode
  • Drinking coffee
  • Eating
Now at base level you also have three-five level 1 spells.
  • Making coffee
  • Getting dressed
  • Making breakfast
  • Checking your email
  • etc etc
Now let's say you find yourself at the end of the first year and at the beginning of the next year. That means you're now level 2.
You've a couple more cantrips now, things that used to be level 1 spells that you've managed to make easier through pure stubbornness. You have a couple more level 1's and now some level 2's.  

See where I'm going with that?

Now the problem with Spell Slot is being honest with yourself about whether or not an action is simple and almost mindless as to be a cantrip or a level 1 or a level 2. There's also the point to be made with let's call it a Practical Spell Slot theory, the more practice you put into accomplishing a spell smoothly, when you level up, some of the previous harder spells become lower level. Say making breakfast was a level 2 and you managed through dedication to not only make breakfast consistently but every other day also make extra ingredients that could be used in lunch or dinner later that same day. When you level up, Making Breakfast becomes a Level 1.

Practical Spell Slot Theory, or PSST (....not that wasn't deliberate!) allows you take into account that you don't stop growing just because you have issues. It gives you the freedom and lets you give permission to yourself to take care of yourself and your home.  Plus you can add a second factor into the PSST if you wish.

It's a concept, in role playing games like Pathfinder called Gradual Progression. You gain a thing every so many experience points. Say every four months (or three times a year) you set yourself a goal of adding a task that seems really hard to get done every week or every day (like washing some dishes or taking a shower twice a week). It's okay to tag it a above your level spell at first. It's not okay to shove it off to the side and say "It's too hard."

Practical Spell Slot gives you the room to fail but come back and try again. The thing with PSST is that when you sit down and go over everything you can do in a day, you might surprise yourself at just how much you are managing to accomplish.

I think it's safe to say that all three concepts need to see refined usage but that does mean a lot of folks will have to be a little bit more honest with themselves.

I'm still working on this as I think with my issues, I fall under Practical Spell Slot. I'm actively working towards trying to maintain certain levels of things and add to them. Like showering every other day and doing at least five dishes a couple times a day.  Still working on the showering thing as my mind constantly has to fight my brain because "OMG THE WATER BILL, WE CAN'T FUCKING RUN THAT UP RIGHT NOW" and my mind wants to stab my brain over this right now.

That was a big post....geez... and this concept essay still has some holes.... argh!


Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Relief

Jury Selection is now over. At the state level I don't have to worry about being called in for eighteen months. I actually got to understand the court processes a little bit better at the state level at least and find myself very pleased with the brevity Arizona attempts to maintain for it's civil and misdemeanor courts.

That being said it did fuck with everything. I had to be up and at the courthouse by 7:45 AM. I'm a chronic insomniac who also deals with anxiety. My heart rate that night while not "OMG WTF?!" was still probably 3-6 beats faster than it normally was. Yeah...I couldn't get it to calm down. Two hours of sleep later and realizing my fucking alarm was going off but the phone wasn't letting it play equaled a very disoriented Evie at first. Thankfully DR was just getting home and handed off a cup of coffee to me. Seriously that is one heck of a good potion.

All the cases scheduled for that day decided they didn't need jurors and we all got sent home. That left me spending a few hours at a lovely rather quiet cafe in Downtown Phoenix. However, I crashed a little before midnight and ended up sleeping close to ten and a half hours. Sleep wise I'm recovered.  Mentally wise...my brain is still screaming at me.

I've decided there's my brain (which is all the shitty stuff) and my mind. The Mind is the good guy. My Mind is the part that the logical, rational, still working on getting it to the point it can forcefully take over when the Brain is a blubbering mess. We'll see how things go since I've now decided to separate the two mental factions. 

Also means I have the energy freed back up in focusing on the Camping Retreat. Already started compiling the resources. Started with bulk quick oats, dried apricots and raisins. I was going to get blueberries, but they are expensive. Need to get at least two more fruits and I'm thinking at least six types of dried veggies.  Dried veggies last longer and are less bulky for long camping trips like this. 

Oh and there's the thing I don't miss about having an active phone number: the 1-800 numbers. Fuck you, if I haven't told a company within the last ten minutes to call me you ain't getting answered.

So today just has this so much more relaxed feel to it. It feels a lot lighter and less complicated. That's why I fucking hated the jury selection shit. It was a complication that I didn't consent to being thrown at me. Even if I wasn't a registered voter, the pricks also use Driver's licenses and state ID cards. Over half of us there that day, were third shifters. Because fuck our lives right? Seriously there needs to trials on third shift for those of us whose lives don't revolve around the Day star.

So the house is in a bit of a state of flux. DR has been on FB marketplace waaaaay too fucking much and we've upgraded a few things. Today should see the listing of my old inventory drawers, the re-listing of the packs and a few other things. I keep thinking we should have a small yard sale. We have enough shit.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

Sharing the damn love.

 Well hello there March. Tell April no sneaking up on me, I have waaaay too much prep to do for the 2018 Retreat.

So what kind of shenanigans am I talking about today? Just a simple topic: Sharing the Love. Now, what I am meaning with this is hobby love.

If you're like me you've at least one social media site if not two or more. Tumblr, Facebook, MeWe, Instagram, DeviantArt, etc.
There are a lot of hobbyists on the previously listed and even other and more sites. If you're like me, you have things called Tags, that you like to look under.  You know the pound sign that has been reassigned to a "Hash tag".

Now when was the last time you went through all your tag favorites and gave random people some love for their work?

Ah! Now you see where I'm going. It's no secret some of the most creative people in the world, also deal with self image issues and self confidence troubles. Myself included. Especially on sites like Instagram and DeviantArt where you're deliberately putting yourself out in the hopes that someone either buys your product or recommends you to other people. 
I have both of these dolls from a commission that
 just kinda fell off the face of the earth.
 Click here for the listing information on
Etsy.

Wanna know my favorite tags to cruise around under?


  1. Crocheting
  2. Knitting
  3. Sewing
  4. Mori Kei
  5. Weaving
  6. Hummingbirds
  7. Butterflies
  8. DnD (because some of the stories, OMG!)
  9. Paganism/Witchcraft
  10. Bullet Journal
Now over on say DeviantArt, I can cruise for some of my favorite fandoms and fanarts like Star Wars, My Little Pony, etc. I'm not conservative with the "Favorite this posting" usage. 

Mostly because I know what it does for my ego and confidence when I get a random like. Hell even several sometimes depending on how well I've tagged something. So yeah, get out there and show some love!

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Onto the Next Project!

 After the nuke that was my last post, I figured it was nigh time to talk about something a bit more positive: Like my future. So let's talk about my goals and how I'm using them to propel myself towards to cleaning up a mess or two that I made for myself because I was a raging idiot. Some lessons about responsibility can only be learned the hard way. So there are two goals I have for this year that I'm going to be sharing. I have other smaller goals but they don't require me to advertise and try to convince you to buy my product. ;) So let's see how well I can convince you today!

Goal number one is some new technology devices, which is the more achievable to be honest and probably the one that will enable me to begin a long term project I have in mind and make the second goal easier to achieve as well.

Goal 1 A: is a brand new mouse. Hell that can be covered if someone decides to buy even just one of my dice bags.

Goal 1 B: Is a new camera.

That would be the lovely Canon Rebel. Right now I use my old phone which is basically just a Wifi device, but it is dying. It's a almost four year old phone. It's lived through two moves and two dogs and a cat. Its still working on surviving the cat....

With summer approaching and soon to descend upon The Valley of the Sun my work emphasis does tend to slide towards working on smaller projects like Cloches and dice bags.  That being said I had to find something the other day and in one of my storage bags I found about a half dozen hats that I had forgotten I had made. Yeah, bad Evelyn. Those will go up as soon as I've had a change to throw them through a dryer. (DAMNIT CHOCTAW!) 

Also coming to the shop hopefully in the next week sunlight cooperating, there'll be a poncho and matching hat, more infinity scarves with hats, and slightly better fleshed out listings in a couple of spots.

Progress on a Gold and Crimson Corded Cardigan is coming along nicely along with a Mint and Lemon baby set. There is a Lime Lively "Chunky" knit scarf that will appear in the store in the next couple of weeks as well. After that there will mostly be nothing new for a few weeks as I'll be working on a couple of commissions and trades for work. There will a dig through prior projects put on the back burner and forgotten about and a huge push to finish as many of those as I can before going on the Second Retreat.

Am I bringing yarn along on the retreat?  ....you do realize this is me we're talking here right?!

So the second goal after getting the camera is a long term goal. This is the thing I was talking about in the first paragraph about having an idiot. This is one of those mistakes where it doesn't take long to accomplish it but damned if it doesn't take you awhile to clean up the mess.

I don't plan on dumping a huge payment onto it. No, that would be stupid as there are other bills that need paid too. Like the car. 

I'm going to be putting all sales after I get the camera (so that I can get better pictures of my listings) towards paying off my credit card. (Relax, they only trust me a 3300 limit. Which is a good thing for the time period that covered. Now I'm in clean up mode.) Once I get into a steady payment rhythm on it, I know I can have it paid off in a couple of years (barring any emergency car repairs. Eep even.) and also focusing on paying off the car. Those are the two things that will be building my credit and his up the best. We have until April 2019 here at the current place we're renting, but damned if we aren't hoping to be not renting by then. Takes work though.

So that the deal. Why am I telling you guys this? Well so that you know what I'm doing with the money from Etsy purchases. People seem to like knowing it how it helps. Also helps me solidify what I'm doing with the shop. It's not just for shits and giggles. Having set goals helps a LOT.

So in summary, the Etsy are going towards:
1) A New Mouse

2) A Rebel Camera
3) Paying down the credit card
4) Paying off the Rav 4.





Friday, February 23, 2018

A Letter

This letter is only to serve for me as a form and outlet to some very old rage and pain. I thought about changing the names, but realized it's been 27-30 something years since some of the things happened. I have very stark and clear memories of some things. Most of my childhood I don't remember in terms of negative or just mundane day to today. I can remember going to the zoo with my grandparents and being stupid excited. I can remember sitting in a log chair just the right size for me in my godparents home while waiting news on my sister's birth and can remember being the hospital holding her and then  going "okay she's too heavy for me, someone else want a turn?"
I can remember being ten years old at Walmart and this older woman giving my mom and dad the stink eye as she deliberately hit their cart with hers and then addressed "Lola and Randy Hively, why haven't you kept in contact?!" And my mom and dad's jaws dropping and hugging this woman profusely.  I can remember her turning to me and saying "Evelyn.... My god, do you recognize me girl?"
"From pictures. With little miss baby mohawk here."
"Yeap, but did they ever remember my name?"
At which point I think my mom interjected and told her, that was her fault, it had been so long and things had been hectic. The woman had nodded her head, as it had been for the same and we spent an hour yacking in walmart catching up. I never got to see that woman again. These days.... I have my reasons to believe why I didn't know her up until that point or ever again. She knew something was wrong.



Dear Sue,
I'm sure you probably don't remember me but you most likely remember my mother. For a very long time, you were her only friend. A 'sympathetic ear' in the maelstrom that my mother had found herself at the center of. Her own past sneaking up on her to being a mother of daughters exactly like her. I'm sure you've been wondering how she's been.

Wonderfully. Especially since she hasn't spoken to you in over twenty years. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm even addressing you considering you thought I was only a disobedient child. Allow me to state something: I remember.

You manipulated my mother for so many years, it's little wonder I have memories of my father just giving my mom a look of disgust when she told him I was going over to your house to be babysat. You lied to her to so frequently about how I wasn't taking naps when told, I was fighting with H your daughter frequently....

I remember Sue.

I remember your lies.

H was sexually molesting me. You thought I wouldn't remember because I was a fucking toddler... 

You thought I wouldn't remember how many of the kids in the church were like this. Either molested or the molesters....

I at this point in time, firmly believe an elder or one of the older kids or possibly even her father was the one who turned into the tormentor I knew. I recall rather clearly how he was always mysteriously absent when I was over.  I also recall it was never stated who or how young the "women he cheated on you with that facilitated your divorce" was.

I also recall you blaming the orphanage that you adopted R from for the... behaviors he began to show. No Sue, H took advantage of her naive adopted five year old brother.  Then we changed churches and I never saw any of again save once.  I was 11 I think then. I wanted to kill H and R and didn't understand why. The entire meetup so that you could "catch up with my mom" was tense and uncomfortable.

Then you vanished. Last I heard you had hidden away in Colorado.

It's been 30 fucking years. So allow me to be precise in my closing paragraph:
I hope H and R have cut you out of their lives completely. 
I hope they are doing well IN SPITE of you bitch.
I hope you know you have grandkids....and can never see them.

I hope everything you and everyone else in that church at that time turned a blind eye to in order to keep the "outsiders" from being even more critical of the church have been crushed by your guilt.
I hope your body has broken down the point you have to help just to take a piss.

I. Hate. You. For what you put my mother through with all the lies. For what you put ME through. For I what in turn did to another because I was an idiot fucking kid who couldn't know any better because you were boobs to wall determined to pledge allegiance to the persecution complex the church does such a good job of instilling in its members.

I loathe you. I hope every breath is a ragged glass filled rasp of suffering.

As for H and R.... I only hope they have found freedom. 

Sincerely disgusted with you,
Evelyn

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Settings Rules for Your Personal Self Care.


  1. Meals by a certain time frame.
    Example: I've set my rules as breakfast between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.; and as soon as you realize you've missed the time frame you force yourself to drop whatever you're doing and go eat.
  2. Chores within a certain window of time.
    This one needs to be a hard fast rule. You set a goal time of say 4 p.m. and set an alarm if you have to. Do this first time slot for a week. Then evaluate. 
    Does this time slot work?
    Do you have your errands run for the day by this time?
    Is it hard to get going on the chores when it's at this time?
    Does it make it easier to flow into making one of your meals with chores being on the beginning of the hour?
    Make adjustments via 30 minute increments. If you find you can't really get shit done in the afternoons, flip it to A.M..
    Try to start the chores in the hour time frame of 9 A.M. and adjust by 30 from there. Within three months, you'll find the sweet spot.
  3. Set realistic daily goals.
    When I say realistic, I mean write down your baseline that you find you manage every day. Aim to hit those every day to the point that they become instinctive.
  4. Add new daily goals slowly.SLOWLY. It's reached the point that no matter how I feel I still try to do at least five dishes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much but when you're sick, fives dishes here and five dishes there can keep the kitchen from going under. Daily things can be added like drawing practice (for those with that inclination), writing (even if it's just typing out "I don't know what to say" you'll get bored of that pretty quickly and something will happen) or say washing one window a day.
    If you fall off the wagon one day, that's okay. Start over from the day before and keep going.
  5. Honest treats and rewards for yourself when you achieve goals.
    Things like you get to binge on your favorite TV once you've managed to keep the dishes more washed for a month. Managed to vacuum at least once a week for six weeks and it's now a habit to do it on day (insert). You get your favorite beer once you hit a two month mark on something. A cup of your favorite tea(s) at the end of each day so that you can savor what you've done. And be honest about whether or not you've earned. Sometimes we have days were it's just better to shut the doors and windows and hide under blankets. Stay hydrated those days, but no rewards. The point is to be in control of your life enough so that those days don't put you behind in taking care of yourself and your world.
  6. Break tasks and goals down by daily, weekly and monthly.
    Break your daily tasks down (mail, dishes, cleaning the dandruff off the cat, brushing your teeth, etc). These are your bare minimum and it's okay if those are all you manage. Now add in the weekly but spread the weeklies out over the week. Don't do them all in one day. Do trash round up every three days. Do vacuuming once a week (twice if you have pets and members of the family have allergies if you have a place that is all carpet). Laundry gets a specific day. CHANGING YOUR BEDDING GETS ITS OWN DAY AND PREFERABLY ON A DAY YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY.
    Monthly tasks: decide at the beginning of the month when you're going to do them. No I'm serious. Things like, scrubbing the tub, cleaning a shelf on the fridge (this can be done over three days time honestly), washing windows (when was the last time you did that?), etc.
Those are the most basic rules that I can derive from my personal experiences over the past several years. It's taken awhile to figure them all out. And to be honest, you should probably write them out. For whatever reason, we remember things better (right now) by writing them out. Don't let the computer program auto-finish it for you.

Print off a checklist for your week. Divide it into days. Keeping taking care of yourself and your home in bite sized chunks is a building block to later improvements.

So it doesn't really matter if you like the Bullet Journal method, a normal planner or what not, employ it. You're worth the effort.