Damnit Summer!

I'd really really like to bloody know what it is about the last two weeks of July and First couple of weeks of August have against me. Every year, in looking over my notes for the past ten ish years, those four ish odd weeks have always been downers. Like hard to navigate, 'do I really need to do this', nothing is getting done, HARD downer.

I fucking hate it. Last couple of years have been exceptionally hard but I think a part of that is because I'm in a steady home environment (have been the last soon to be five years in September) and so everything is going "Oh hey...we can actually deal with stuff now."   Um... can we NOT deal with it that way?!  No..... *grumble*  It's been so bad I let half of the Etsy lapse into expired listings... That's been fixed. But still....

Tomorrow is the day before Mabon. The plan is to take today and do my special music channel and work on creative projects all day, taking it easy because tomorrow (DR I love you...but I'm cleaning even while you're sleeping) I clean.  I super clean. I'm gonna bitch slap this house with cleaning rags so hard it's gonna cry.... or I'm going to be crying from the joint pain on or the other. ( Makes a note to take something with morning coffee so that pain stays away.)  Tomorrow WILL see a good house day.

So that I can spend Mabon in peace.

Why is that important?

Witchcraft:

Eh well... The Morrighan has been encouraging me to talk about this and Dagda, Danu, Anu, Cerridwen and the rest haven't exactly been quiet about that either. I've been getting nudges for the past couple of years but this year they've gotten a bit more intense....but I think that's because I'm back to a point in my abilities where I'm not straining to hear them anymore.  ....I need to talk to my sisters and  brothers about if they can see if any of my abilities are still dead and which ones are recovering and which ones can be saved.  There's one I don't want back.  Not gonna talk about that right now.

Basically it's a covenant of a kind. There's two parts that I have so far.  Grow my hair back out (which I'm keen to do because I've had it short for a few years now.  Thing about my hair is that grows really fast so by the end of the year, it's probably going to be shoulder length almost) and take better care of myself.  Man they yelled that last one so damn loud that day.

The Bullshits:
So part of my self care is learning that is okay to have bad and down days. "But those are the days I lose time on projects." Yes and that's okay. Instead of fighting those days, I need to let them happen so that they take up only ONE day instead getting stretched out over three and four days.  Yeah... bad Evie.

Makers movement:
YEEEEE!  So I visited with my parents for a week in early July.  That was so damn nice! Went fabric shopping with my mom and just got to spend some needed quality time with them. (It'd been almost five years since I'd seen them.) Mom also had several things of fabric that she wasn't going to be using in her quilting (she makes beautiful lap quilts and baby quilts for the Linus Project).

So I have a lot of new fabric.  There are:

1. Two button up shirts for DR planned.
2. At least three quilts for us.
3. Maybe close to five wall hangings.
4. Curtains.
5. About five or six vests for me (Wardrobe changes continue!)
6. At least two long sleeve shirts 
7. One more bib dress
8. Couple other indeterminate right now.

This is on top of the two shawls and one more crocheted vest I've been eyeballing making for myself.  One of the shawls...is well... special.

SHOUT OUTS:

As you guys know I have really cool people I'm friends with so we're doing two shouts out todays.

One is the Patreon account link to my friend who runs Reel Fun Studios.  Carie a wonderful geeky lady and mother to a beautiful daughter.  If you could give her page Carie Varner some love and some monthly coin, it'd be appreciated.

Also today I'm giving a signal to the newest Science based book out from my good friend Stephanie Osborn called "Kiss your Ash Goodbye: The Yellowstone Supervolcano"

Personal Stores:
Always be sure to check out what's going with my Etsy The Jade Rose Zen and my Teespring Jade Rose Zen Productions.

Time to keep today's momentum going. 

Forcing myself to write again

It seems to work sometimes.

Brain is at again. The anxiety is what is the loudest right now. Has been the last couple weeks now. The depression and PTSD have been solidly ones now which makes it a bit easier to deal with the anxiety because it's only one thing to lasso and two things to just keep an eye on.

There are times I have to wonder if voicing the anxiety makes it worse because I've given a partial form and other times....

Even if it just into my paper journal the day gets a little bit easier to deal with about half the time. Mostly because I end identifying what's going on and can take the steps to deal with it. The other of the time I can only figure out half of the stuff and then the other half ends being incorporeal for lack of a better term. 

It's definitely time for a hair cut again. I keep messing with it which is not a good thing because I've made part of my scalp sore before from that particular fidget habit.

I also need to stop taking dishonest stock in how I'm feeling when DR offers to pour me a drink. If the anxiety is acting up... I end not putting on the brakes. I really need to stick to my guns of no more hard liquor for me. Plus Hard Cider and wines taste better in the end.

One of the things I think a lot of people who struggle with same and similar issues forget is that it's okay to simplify your self care needs. Take my pixie cut for example. Taking care of your hair can actually be stressful. I have to admit it always puzzles me as to why more females at least don't take the time to figure out a good short cut so that it's low maintenance and your spoons/spell slots can't argue with you legitimately over it. 

Yesterday though even Mind was not having it. I'm not even sure what all I did to calm everything the fuck down, but it worked to the point I didn't end up wanting to stab things.

Sewing helps with that by the way. I get to stab something and MAKE something at the same time. It's a lovely thing really.


Plus there was an awkward moment today when I realized that the anti-glamour I cast in the grenade also covered the glamours we cast on ourselves to blind ourselves to our own faults. That's not so much a reflection on me however as a Big Sister of mine is...going through some shit and it's showing some of the markers from my grenade. 

She stills seems to be learning on to be her own individual just as much as I am. But... I figured out how to be a me without needing a DR to complete me because as people we're already complete (though the process to figure that out will always be a mystery and not a one size fits all journey). The reason we have companions is because we don't like be lonely for long periods of time. (How do you think crazy cat ladies happen?)

It's not that we need a puzzle piece from that person. It's that we find we enjoy them and them being around enhances and enriches our own experiences. So what happens when the you you are gets hurt and you have to forcefully engage your own space in order to deal with it?

Well... a lot of bad juju especially if the other person isn't willing to actually listen and they're being a dick. (Women included).

One of the things that has been aggravating to me recently is that it feels like I've lost my ability to communicate effectively as much as I used to say 8 or 9 years ago. When I started pulling away so that I could deal with shit, it affected my memory in some ways that I'm still figuring out.

And it's really frustrating when I'm trying to talk to DR about something and he keeps interjecting with what he THINKS I'm saying. Not a pleasant fight when it happens. Hence, I'm not finding the right words or expressions to get him to shut up so I can talk. Most of the time I don't need his feedback, I just need him to listen for a bit because there's only so much typing and writing I can do before I need to know someone is hearing me and AFTER I'm done rambling around trying to figure out the thing, whatever that thing is, THEN give me their thoughts.

Oh look, a normal adult thing.... I think? 


I have to admit I probably love the Pixie haircut a little too much. It's easier to deal with and in Phoenix heat... I don't have to worry about it inducing the back of my neck into a heat rash!

However there is a covenant of sorts on the horizon for me. Long hair is gonna make a come back, but there's a nudge to shave the sides and pleat the hair into a complex braid...which is not going to happen as I can't french braid to save my life. Like I understand the concept but I can't get my hands and hair to cooperate like that.

And we're gonna switch gears again because I remembered the other though I had: Conditioning. See, I'm an insomniac and part of the drinking problem is because I start to get bored sometimes...so... you see where that goes and how that's sticky. One of the problems with depression is that you sleep a lot. The more you sleep the more depressed you get and the more depressed you get the more you sleep. Extremely nasty feedback loop and you end up conditioning yourself to always seek sleep when you're depressed.

DR has suggested many times to just come to bed. No. That's why I'm always resistant to that idea of just sleeping when bored. That's a 'Aw HELL NO!' response because I feel into that loop for a couple of years in my early 20's. Ten something years ago. It fucked with everything. EVERYTHING. Hence I'm trying to keep myself within very strict sleeping times and if nothing else a semi-strict 'get up' time period.

Conditioning can happen in other areas too. Like whenever DR is home and we're hanging out, we got into the bad habit of always drinking something alcoholic. Fucking great...another factor. So now whenever he's home, I'm wanting to drink with him because that was our thing.

Yeah, you can see where that needs an over haul. Because then when he goes to bed, BRAIN the cunt that it is starts kinda freaking out because we're aren't going to bed at the same time while MIND knows we don't have to. Mind wins usually. When Mind has been overtaxed or is too tired, Brain wins and I usually spend the next day dealing with a major hangover.

That can be fixed pretty damn easily and I WILL fix it.

Now to figure out how to wrangle the anxiety.

Although next time here at the Wandering Witchling...

Maybe I'll be able to report on something I've been getting unceremoniously hammered with by the Morrighan for months now....

Settings Rules for Your Personal Self Care.

1. Meals by a certain time frame.
   Example: I've set my rules as breakfast between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.; and as soon as you realize you've missed the time frame you force yourself to drop whatever you're doing and go eat.
   
2. Chores within a certain window of time.
   This one needs to be a hard fast rule. You set a goal time of say 4 p.m. and set an alarm if you have to. Do this first time slot for a week. Then evaluate. 
   Does this time slot work?
   Do you have your errands run for the day by this time?
   Is it hard to get going on the chores when it's at this time?
   Does it make it easier to flow into making one of your meals with chores being on the beginning of the hour?
   Make adjustments via 30 minute increments. If you find you can't really get shit done in the afternoons, flip it to A.M..
   Try to start the chores in the hour time frame of 9 A.M. and adjust by 30 from there. Within three months, you'll find the sweet spot.
   
3. Set realistic daily goals.
   When I say realistic, I mean write down your baseline that you find you manage every day. Aim to hit those every day to the point that they become instinctive.
   
4. Add new daily goals slowly.SLOWLY. It's reached the point that no matter how I feel I still try to do at least five dishes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much but when you're sick, fives dishes here and five dishes there can keep the kitchen from going under. Daily things can be added like drawing practice (for those with that inclination), writing (even if it's just typing out "I don't know what to say" you'll get bored of that pretty quickly and something will happen) or say washing one window a day.
   If you fall off the wagon one day, that's okay. Start over from the day before and keep going.
   
5. Honest treats and rewards for yourself when you achieve goals.
   Things like you get to binge on your favorite TV once you've managed to keep the dishes more washed for a month. Managed to vacuum at least once a week for six weeks and it's now a habit to do it on day (insert). You get your favorite beer once you hit a two month mark on something. A cup of your favorite tea(s) at the end of each day so that you can savor what you've done. And be honest about whether or not you've earned. Sometimes we have days were it's just better to shut the doors and windows and hide under blankets. Stay hydrated those days, but no rewards. The point is to be in control of your life enough so that those days don't put you behind in taking care of yourself and your world.
   
6. Break tasks and goals down by daily, weekly and monthly.
   Break your daily tasks down (mail, dishes, cleaning the dandruff off the cat, brushing your teeth, etc). These are your bare minimum and it's okay if those are all you manage. Now add in the weekly but spread the weeklies out over the week. Don't do them all in one day. Do trash round up every three days. Do vacuuming once a week (twice if you have pets and members of the family have allergies if you have a place that is all carpet). Laundry gets a specific day. CHANGING YOUR BEDDING GETS ITS OWN DAY AND PREFERABLY ON A DAY YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY.
   Monthly tasks: decide at the beginning of the month when you're going to do them. No I'm serious. Things like, scrubbing the tub, cleaning a shelf on the fridge (this can be done over three days time honestly), washing windows (when was the last time you did that?), etc.
   

Those are the most basic rules that I can derive from my personal experiences over the past several years. It's taken awhile to figure them all out. And to be honest, you should probably write them out. For whatever reason, we remember things better (right now) by writing them out. Don't let the computer program auto-finish it for you.

Print off a checklist for your week. Divide it into days. Keeping taking care of yourself and your home in bite sized chunks is a building block to later improvements.

So it doesn't really matter if you like the Bullet Journal method, a normal planner or what not, employ it. You're worth the effort.

Self Care First Aid!

Today's post might be a bit of tangled mess and for that I apologize. I had a great idea it's just been a bitch trying to figure out how to express the different points. Hell even identifying the different points that are important have been... kinda fighting me. Doesn't help that today was laundry day. It wasn't all that stressful today as the laundry mat was all mostly older folks who don't really bother anyone. It was just stressful enough that when we got home and I noticed one of the dogs knocked over my tomatoes plants at some point this morning, I had to sit down and crochet for awhile. In this instance checking to see if a design of mine would work in chunky yarn. Oh hey... I guess that ties back into my title doesn't it?

So let's talk about a small elephant in the room. No seriously, it's a small one. Maybe about two or three years old. Pagans, Wiccan's, Witches, Heathens... whatever your tag, it seems like we have a lot more people than other groups that deal with anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. I think a part of that is one of the things that is becoming or has become intrinsic to our 'community', is taking on a level of emotional honesty about what we're dealing as human beings. How many of us can honestly say the last Sabbat, Esbat or God/dess feast day we remembered to celebrate without being reminding by the Internet or friends? I think I managed last night, but it was because I was engaged in a self care ritual of sorts.

I'm starting to think we need to have a little bit of a focus shift. We can't be good stewards of our craft, if we aren't taking care of ourselves. We can't take care of our communities. Our inner circle of tribe, our friends or our family. We can't take care of our home or the pets that the Universe has placed in our lives to bring us some joy and unconditional love. 

It's time we do some first aid our lives and minds when it comes to our self care habits and needs. So I've been trying to figure out how to hash out the steps which was a bit more complicated today than normal. Usually when I do one of these essay's the words flow. Not today so much. They are there but they need some coaxing. So let's do some breaking down.

Normal first aid has steps like stopping bleeding, clearing airways, etc.

So needless to say our steps are going to be very different in some regards and more in depth.

1. Identify your worst problems. Like for me it's my depression, anxiety and PTSD mental and emotional wise. Physical wise it's I hate being pain so I don't exercise like I should be and hip problems. 
2. Identify your Shadow.
   This is the part of yourself that has everything repressed. Don't sweat identifying everything. Shadow work is something EVERYONE regardless of beliefs should do. It's a life long thing too. Everything you try to force yourself to forget and every negative emotion you squash becomes a part of the shadow and shadows left un-dealt with become something much much worse.
3. Identify how your problems manifest themselves.
   Do you skip showers for days? (We need to save money on the water bill. I have no friends who come over so why bother. I'm always sick. I don't have the energy.)
   Just don't eat? (I have got to finish this project. I don't want to get out of bed. Why do I even bother cleaning this house no one cares? etc etc etc)
   Obsessively engage in a behavior? You get the general idea.
4. Identify feedback loops, both positive and negative.
   I literally just got done this couple of weeks figuring out this step. Forcing yourself to put down your work so that you can eat, bathe, worship etc; is fucking hard.
5. Identify all the things that make you feel better.
   Pet play time! A good cup of coffee or tea. Taking a hot bath with smelly goods. Putting a favorite album on repeat. 
6. Identify what you are spending the most time and whether or not it's actually making you feel better in the long term. Short term be damned.
   If you're spending hours on ( insert site) arguing, you're not improving your mental mindset. You're not improving your ability to take care of yourself. You're not loving on your dog or cat or what not. You're not catching up on dishes, on cleaning a floor, on making that hat you promised. You're wasting time on things that aren't constructive to yourself, your home and those that genuinely need you. You're harming yourself. Quit that.

All of those take work and time. The next step of Self Care First Aid after Identification? I'm still working on how to explain that part with clarity. For me it's been setting up routines. It's been designating a chore hour where:

• I fill the dish drainer with dishes at least once if not at least five dishes clean.(This will get upped to at least six dishes in a couple of months.)
• Check on my plants on my way outside to throw away the day's trash and check on the mail.
• Morning routines are drinking coffee in bed currently (Seriously OMG I love DR dearly. Most mornings, this is my day start. Along with being under a purring cat and puppy pile.)
• Not checking social media sites right away. I go play one of my mobile games.
• Check my Bujo to do lists so that I know how much energy I'm spending today on the once or twice a week chore.

See what I mean about that second part? It's been hard to nail down

into a process. Plus there's the long hot relaxing bath on full moons now. There's literally nothing stopping any of us from being engaged in our practices in a manner that helps us be better people. Taking care of ourselves and our self care processes becoming better so that our days are less stressful because let's face it, we are our own biggest sources of stress 99,999,999 out of 100,000,000 times. We are to blame for things becoming sources of aggravation because we aren't weighing what is going on properly. This is self harm. And we all need to stop it.

I've been trying to figure out a way to express a "13 Full Moons of Self Care" kind of idea. It's percolating but don't expect it any time soon. 13 full moons of just taking care of yourself and your home. Because let's face it folks: You can't serve the Gods/Universe if you're too broken to even be honest with yourself about your life's condition. You can't take care of the God/s requests, if you won't take care of yourself. And you sure as hell can't take care of other people, if you don't have even 50% of your own shit straight.

If I could stab that voice

I would.

Viciously and the point to the that it'd make the Vikings damn proud of how fucking dead it is.

I can only imagine how much worse it'd be if I had gone on the pill and inevitably followed by anti-dep meds. (Fuck those by the way. How do people not fucking read or care of the reactivity between those two?!) 

So my mood for today is especially grey as after being awake until almost 4am when I was awakened around 5:30ish by cramps. *sigh* Night before hand, same amount of being awake. Let's just say I'm exceedingly grateful to DR for letting me sleep in the mornings. Means I start later in the day, but in terms of taking care of myself it's working. Me with little sleep is... very very bad.

But today I found myself dealing with that insidious little voice simpering inside my inner ear about why am I even trying to have kids? 

"You can't carry to full term why are you even fucking trying? You as a mom? Are you trying to kill yourself? You think you that much of a badass? We all know you can't be mom, you're fucking damaged goods."

Yeah... that voice. I've been dealing with it for close to ten years now since I made the decision I wanted to have that be a part of my life, being a mom. You wanna talk struggle? Let's talk about how many damn times I've had to console myself. How many damn times I've found myself wondering which God/dess I'm going to have to blackmail, cajole, bribe into leaving me alone so I can just be a mom.

The fucking struggle to deal with the terror that I'll never get that chance by normal means. That's a biggie to me. Even if I only give birth once, I'm going to be fucking grateful. Though I still want my clan of 4-8 I've kinda given up on getting that many and have been pushing for 3. 

Just.... stab stab stabbity. I mean  seriously?! There are so many little things I have worked on and keep working on to fill in the cracks of the foundations and just trying to finish the fucking foundation out that dealing with distractions like this fucking critic are purely frustration. And we all know frustration can't be expressed fully ever. It's not a simple emotion.  It's one of those emotions that you find yourself saddled with day in and day out sometimes depending on what the cause is.

I'd like to think I'm going to a decent mom. Hell, even with the decision to homeschool I've already been figuring out to use the most of mundane things to teach practical lessons. Like the other day, I pointed that cooking was a great way to teach basic chemistry and basic fractions. Probably one of the best ways to teach fractions. (Not to mention more tasty results.) So many things just to decide not to have kids. How dare you voice. How dare you.

A large part of this goes right into the Anxiety. Into the limited amount of "can do" in a day. When you're damn near constantly splitting time between this world, your mental world, the emotional baggage, the Witch world and creative because the creative is the means of turning the untamed chaos into something useful... the balancing act stops being an act...eventually right?