Sunday, April 27, 2014

Just another phase

So here recently I've not done much blogging here or even working on my personal journal.   Is it because I'm not managing my time well?  No not really.  I have a lot of knitting and crocheting that I'm working on and in-between working on blogging articles for Blue Collar Prepping I'm also trying to write three different stories that I've no clue if I'll even ever publish.

I have a queen sized afghan that I haven't even been able to start on yet.  I have expanded my work area to cover much of the living room much to the fiance's disliking.  Sorry dear.

I haven't even finished his and mine's afghan yet. Or another friend of mine's....  :-/

Oh and the headaches.... eh Gods the headaches.  I've been damn good at avoiding the foods that give them to me due to allergies.  Here this path month though, I've been having headaches out of nowhere.  Why?  I don't know.  I'm hydrated.  I'm doing my daily moments of pause time.  I'm fed (and we do well for people who try to only buy what we're going to eat over the course of a few days and stuff that's on sale).  The teeth are managing to not get any worse (I'm still kicking myself in the ass for letting myself get out of the habit and then buying the bullshit that toothpaste and toothbrush were a luxury for almost three years).  But... headaches...

I haven't been able to pin it down.  They're 9 out of ten, in one of two places.  Left temple and back over the ear; behind the forehead reaching down behind the right eye.  Then there's the odd one of my right check bone and back into mostly the skull bone it feels like hurting.  That one usually only crops when one of my friends is doing something, thinking about doing something stupid or there's bad weather in several parts of the country.  (Damn being a witch sometimes.)

The not journaling bothers me slightly as the last time I went a few months without journaling, I hit some major walls and it took a while to get them broken back through.  It could very well mean I've plateaued for the time being.  Though having been here in California has been a bit stifling.  Being afraid to even go half a mile to the post office is... embarrassing.  This is me we're talking about.  I used to silence motherfuckers with a glare.

Now...

I guess I shouldn't be to hard on myself.  I have made some great progress.  Four times out of ten now, I can handle constructive criticisms from the partner without getting pissed off.  The other six times we're working on it.  I have figured out a couple different ways to help myself keep getting work done even on days where I have zero motivation.  I have a just big enough library that if my brain needs a bone to chew on, I'm good for a few weeks.

Oh yeah that reading thing....  turns out the main reason why I think I'm having trouble being able to watch movies and read books like I used to is become I lose my sense of awareness of what's going on around me.  It comprises my security.  I can't sacrifice two-three hours of my time to watch some stupid film.  I kinda hate movies these days.  Even Star Wars just isn't what it once was for me.  (Yeah, I was a geek girl long before I was a gun bunny, prepper etc.)   I like it...but I don't enjoy it like I used to.

There's a lot of that I used to enjoy but just don't seem to able to now.  Being able to reclaim reading is a step in the right direction and even then I'm only reading a book once or twice a month.  Used to be 6 or 7.

Just another phrase they say....


Monday, April 21, 2014

Slow death of Empathy.

Or I guess I should say, stopping caring about shallow ass humans that have zero clue on how to function as an individual.

This past weekend I have found out that I trigger a little bit, whenever the abortion issue comes up.  Now hold on, hear me out.  This boils down to two factors it seems.

One of them is the attitude of most of the idiots that are on either "side" of abortion.  They are both sneering, sniveling, assholes and I loathe them.

Pro-lifers...yeah... those worthless idiots seem to think it's okay to tell a raped woman like me that I don't have any right to do what I feel is necessary with my body.  Look, I'll be honest, if I had become pregnant and caught it before the end of the third month, I'd have had an abortion.  After that, adopted with a family outside of the state as far away as possible as the state I was in.... was one of the jackass states where rapists have child visitation rights, regardless of conviction.  (yeah, I gagged too.)

Now let me make something clear... it takes a strong woman to raise such a child.  That's not me.  And after BEING STRIPPED OF HAVING A CHOICE IN THE MATTER OF BECOMING PREGNANT THESE ASSHATS THINK THEY DO THE SAME by telling me that I have NO CHOICE.

Yeah, no actually you don't get to do that.  Fuckers like them are no better than my rapists.

Then you have the fucktarded pro-choicers.  Most of whom are of the ilk that claim it's the victims fault.  I'm pretty certain you see and guess where that usually goes.  It usually doesn't end well and I'm pretty sure I've left several of those pathetic ass snowflake progs crying at their computer screens.

The other part is the fact that it reminds of what I went through.  You know you're getting better when you don't break down crying every 30 minutes on a day when you've remembered.  Just every hour or so.

Which leads me back to the title.  I used to be terrified of hurting people. These days.... not so much.  It feels very much like a part of my humanity died in their hands. These days... I have no problem with hurting someone if they are a threat to me or people I care about.  And it really seems that whatever compassion I have left, is reserved for the folks who've earned it.  Now maybe I'm being too cynical... I do let people earn the privilege of being friends with me and close friends in many cases.  Some of my friends I've only recently worked up the courage to start talking too, but still would give them whatever they needed.  I just like them that much.

 I tend to hold back from people I used to spend every day with.  I couldn't even go to one of my friends wedding...because one of them was going to be there.  (I know keep giving vague hints, you'll have to bear with it.)

Then comes that time of the month.  Since about the turn of the year, it has teamed up with my PTSD it seems.  Which means I can't get any work done most of the time.  I literally have to force myself to do something.  Makes me miss my video games.  I could sit down and lose myself and pass the day without having to engage with anyone on any topic and be okay at the end of the day.

So what happens now?

Good question.

I'll let you know when I figure it out.