Saturday, December 13, 2014

I am a....

My mind makes strange logic jumps.  I think everyone who has a healthy mental state does.  We jump all over the place and find ourselves at what seems completely logically ends to a series of thoughts that only we the individual were privy too.  As to what it was that I was reading somewhere that triggered this.... I've no clue.

For a very long time I called myself a Wolf.

Why?

Because I knew myself to have a pack.  An inner group of friends and family that I would protect with claw, tooth and life.  An outer pack of friends and family, that I would protect tooth and claw.  An extended pack, given the circumstances, that would get the same treatment as the inner pack.

I knew I had a code.  You don't fuck with me, I don't fuck with you.  You don't prevent me from taking care of my pack, ditto.  There's a hierarchy of people I'll listen too.  I'll admit that I'm not able to fit into an Alpha/Beta paradigm.  I will be a second in command but if the "in command" person has his head up his ass, I will step and start giving orders until shit smooths out and start working again.  Then, back to just being that woman in the shadows.  Or maybe that's what a good Beta is.

Well, the pack, code and hierarchy are still there. I am part Wolf.

But that wasn't all.... so I looked deeper at another animal that is reflected by humans.  Coyotes.  The coyote is an odd creature.  In some North American cultures, he is the Creator. In other's he is the trickster.  In all, he forces one to look at themselves and evaluate their actions honestly.  Ever notice how coyotes take over empty Wolf territory?

Coyote...  they are a paradox creature.  I've been called an enigma many times.  Paradox even.  I have humor where I should have pain.  I use the humor to take the edge off the pain.  He is playful.  I've been told I'm too childish or too playful at times.  He is very adaptable.  There is no environment that he can't become used to and become a part of.  I've been finding... that is true for me.

 Coyotes are resourceful and very adaptable.  They are very very crafty.  I don't think I've encountered any kind of object or tool yet that could aid in my comfort for all practical purposes in a survival, prepping or what not situation that I couldn't engineer or figure out, based off of what skills I already know.

I've had to learn to be those.  So I'm part Coyote and part Wolf.

But those don't fit fully right either.

There is the Bald Eagle.  The symbol of our nation.  What is he?  He is courage and an encouragement to go beyond our comfort zones.  A creature of vision.  The Bald Eagle and his brothers of many types, have been upheld by cultures from around the world.  Why?

They fly the highest.  Their vision is the sharpest. They are endurance and resilience.

Things I've been learning to do over the past several years.  So I am part Eagle, Coyote and Wolf.

There's more though.

About March 2012 I was shown that I had Hummingbird medicine in my life.  Or rather, it was back in my life.  Hummingbird... she is unconditional love.  Now, I learned I was capable of this for my fiance, whom we'll call DZ from here on out.  DZ when he appeared in my life came when I needed love that was returned, because I was willing to give love in a manner most weren't used to getting unless they felt they had earned it.

I'm capable of some amazing things despite my size.  Just like her.  Since DZ and I have become involved, I've been more able to be playful again.  I can temper the cynical with playfulness.  Hummingbird is learning to find joy in life where most may not be able to see.  I'm learning that and have learned that.  She's also resilient.

Okay, so part Hummingbird then.  There's more.

Bison.... the American Buffalo.... known among folks as the spirit of abundance, protection, strength, survival, formulating beneficial plans... all things I can lay claim too in past two years.  A long two years.   A two years that have brought an abundance of challenges, love and healing.  Years of protection from the universe and Gods in the right ways that have kept me here on this world.  Years of finding small scraps of strength when I needed them.  Years of surviving the worst demons my inner self could throw at me and that others could throw.  Beginning to be a more vocal prepper but also working tempering my skills.  Finding a balance between being ready and still having fun.

I am Buffalo, Hummingbird, Eagle, Coyote, Wolf.

They make bring to forefront something that I think we've been lacking in our language.  A new word to apply to folks who don't feel that sheep dog or wolf is apt enough, to express the American spirit.  A word to express that which is the American resilience that blazed the trails to California.  A word that is the tenacity of the fighter that is an American soul.  A word that encompasses what we are as Americans, on all fronts.

Something to describe the millions of strong willed, freedom seeking, stubborn headed, loving, able to dream... people who came to North America, our ancestors.  Something to describe the blending of lives, culture and time.

I'm something much more terrifying that a Wolf and its pack.  A Coyote and his craftiness.  A Hummingbird, an Eagle and a Buffalo.

I'm a Chimera.  I am a combination of bloodlines, ideas and thoughts that make for a creature that is stronger than it's parts.

Americans are Chimera's.

 I am Chimera.




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