I don't know what to call this one.

This one is a bit jumbled as it's something that occurred to me earlier this week and I'm trying to see if I can't sort it out into something coherent. 

You guys are familiar with the Spoons Theory?  It's a fairly easy and accurate way to teach someone about illnesses and psychical limitations that one has to deal with.  There's also a Spell Slot Theory that is a twist on the Spoon theory that can be used to explain to folks who've a bit more experience in DnD or MMORPG that don't quite grok why you'd use spoons, because spoons can be washed... and there you can see why I grabbed onto the Spell Slot twist on it. It just made more sense. 

Well my brain being what it was, was rambling on on on on about how they aren't and can't be the same thing. My mind went "Hold up...You might actually be onto something."

Spoon theory is based on the finite number of resources emotionally, energy wise and mentally in order to accomplish tasks. Be they minor tasks like brushing your teeth and hair for some people or for others, just managing to get dressed. Spoon theory in of itself is a set theory. It suggests the lack of presence to grow. It also suggests that some spoonies just aren't willing to take the time to sit down and actually look at their spoons and classify things like grocery shopping, showering, doing one house chore this day and this house chore this day and how many spoons those take.

There are spoonies I know that could stand to do this. Why they haven't is because I think they are afraid to. It's an intimidating task being honest with yourself. 

Spoon theory can also be used a convenient excuse by those who refuse to do more. 

Spoon theory also doesn't account for the fact that human beings aren't milled from a single blueprint. Every human who is a spoony, is going to have a different number of spoons compared to another spoonie.

Spoon theory, while it works, is constrained. Its perfect for those with enough experience with their issues, that know they really are set in stone and perfect for those lazy fuckers who just don't want to do more. It's also been claimed by people who have no damn right to it. It's also been used by people, who aren't really spoonies, but should actually be using Spell Slot Theory.

Earlier I said, Spoon Theory is a rigid concept. There is no room for growth.

Spell Slot Theory is one that should by many in place of Spoon theory. Spell Slot theory acknowledges that we are all at different stages of dealing with our issues. For some folks they are limited to five level slots, three level 2 and one level 3 currently. 

You see by employing the Spell slots, you acknowledging you're a still learning growing human being. You're gaining experience every day with what you can and can't do, and how much of what you can do. You're not limited, by either the issue itself (Fibromayaglia, Lyme's disease, etc) or yourself because you've decided it's not worth the effort of trying (would you please stop fucking selling yourself short?).

Let's say every year of dealing with an year, is one level of experience. At base level, you have these things called cantrips. They are little no cost things. What might qualify as a cantrip:

• Going to the bathroom
• Getting a drink of water
• Petting a kitty snuggled up to you
• Hitting play on the next episode
• Drinking coffee
• Eating

Now at base level you also have three-five level 1 spells.

• Making coffee
• Getting dressed
• Making breakfast
• Checking your email
• etc etc

Now let's say you find yourself at the end of the first year and at the beginning of the next year. That means you're now level 2.

You've a couple more cantrips now, things that used to be level 1 spells that you've managed to make easier through pure stubbornness. You have a couple more level 1's and now some level 2's.  

See where I'm going with that?

Now the problem with Spell Slot is being honest with yourself about whether or not an action is simple and almost mindless as to be a cantrip or a level 1 or a level 2. There's also the point to be made with let's call it a Practical Spell Slot theory, the more practice you put into accomplishing a spell smoothly, when you level up, some of the previous harder spells become lower level. Say making breakfast was a level 2 and you managed through dedication to not only make breakfast consistently but every other day also make extra ingredients that could be used in lunch or dinner later that same day. When you level up, Making Breakfast becomes a Level 1.

Practical Spell Slot Theory, or PSST (....not that wasn't deliberate!) allows you take into account that you don't stop growing just because you have issues. It gives you the freedom and lets you give permission to yourself to take care of yourself and your home.  Plus you can add a second factor into the PSST if you wish.

It's a concept, in role playing games like Pathfinder called Gradual Progression. You gain a thing every so many experience points. Say every four months (or three times a year) you set yourself a goal of adding a task that seems really hard to get done every week or every day (like washing some dishes or taking a shower twice a week). It's okay to tag it a above your level spell at first. It's not okay to shove it off to the side and say "It's too hard."

Practical Spell Slot gives you the room to fail but come back and try again. The thing with PSST is that when you sit down and go over everything you can do in a day, you might surprise yourself at just how much you are managing to accomplish.

I think it's safe to say that all three concepts need to see refined usage but that does mean a lot of folks will have to be a little bit more honest with themselves.

I'm still working on this as I think with my issues, I fall under Practical Spell Slot. I'm actively working towards trying to maintain certain levels of things and add to them. Like showering every other day and doing at least five dishes a couple times a day.  Still working on the showering thing as my mind constantly has to fight my brain because "OMG THE WATER BILL, WE CAN'T FUCKING RUN THAT UP RIGHT NOW" and my mind wants to stab my brain over this right now.

That was a big post....geez... and this concept essay still has some holes.... argh!

Settings Rules for Your Personal Self Care.

1. Meals by a certain time frame.
   Example: I've set my rules as breakfast between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.; and as soon as you realize you've missed the time frame you force yourself to drop whatever you're doing and go eat.
   
2. Chores within a certain window of time.
   This one needs to be a hard fast rule. You set a goal time of say 4 p.m. and set an alarm if you have to. Do this first time slot for a week. Then evaluate. 
   Does this time slot work?
   Do you have your errands run for the day by this time?
   Is it hard to get going on the chores when it's at this time?
   Does it make it easier to flow into making one of your meals with chores being on the beginning of the hour?
   Make adjustments via 30 minute increments. If you find you can't really get shit done in the afternoons, flip it to A.M..
   Try to start the chores in the hour time frame of 9 A.M. and adjust by 30 from there. Within three months, you'll find the sweet spot.
   
3. Set realistic daily goals.
   When I say realistic, I mean write down your baseline that you find you manage every day. Aim to hit those every day to the point that they become instinctive.
   
4. Add new daily goals slowly.SLOWLY. It's reached the point that no matter how I feel I still try to do at least five dishes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much but when you're sick, fives dishes here and five dishes there can keep the kitchen from going under. Daily things can be added like drawing practice (for those with that inclination), writing (even if it's just typing out "I don't know what to say" you'll get bored of that pretty quickly and something will happen) or say washing one window a day.
   If you fall off the wagon one day, that's okay. Start over from the day before and keep going.
   
5. Honest treats and rewards for yourself when you achieve goals.
   Things like you get to binge on your favorite TV once you've managed to keep the dishes more washed for a month. Managed to vacuum at least once a week for six weeks and it's now a habit to do it on day (insert). You get your favorite beer once you hit a two month mark on something. A cup of your favorite tea(s) at the end of each day so that you can savor what you've done. And be honest about whether or not you've earned. Sometimes we have days were it's just better to shut the doors and windows and hide under blankets. Stay hydrated those days, but no rewards. The point is to be in control of your life enough so that those days don't put you behind in taking care of yourself and your world.
   
6. Break tasks and goals down by daily, weekly and monthly.
   Break your daily tasks down (mail, dishes, cleaning the dandruff off the cat, brushing your teeth, etc). These are your bare minimum and it's okay if those are all you manage. Now add in the weekly but spread the weeklies out over the week. Don't do them all in one day. Do trash round up every three days. Do vacuuming once a week (twice if you have pets and members of the family have allergies if you have a place that is all carpet). Laundry gets a specific day. CHANGING YOUR BEDDING GETS ITS OWN DAY AND PREFERABLY ON A DAY YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY.
   Monthly tasks: decide at the beginning of the month when you're going to do them. No I'm serious. Things like, scrubbing the tub, cleaning a shelf on the fridge (this can be done over three days time honestly), washing windows (when was the last time you did that?), etc.
   

Those are the most basic rules that I can derive from my personal experiences over the past several years. It's taken awhile to figure them all out. And to be honest, you should probably write them out. For whatever reason, we remember things better (right now) by writing them out. Don't let the computer program auto-finish it for you.

Print off a checklist for your week. Divide it into days. Keeping taking care of yourself and your home in bite sized chunks is a building block to later improvements.

So it doesn't really matter if you like the Bullet Journal method, a normal planner or what not, employ it. You're worth the effort.

Oh fer crying out loud....

So some time last night the cold thingy I've been dealing with for three plus weeks now deciding to make a minor comeback. And because of said sinus drainage it's fucking with my appetite. (WHY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME BODY?!) Totally fucks with the eat by 1 pm rule I have instigated for myself as part of the self care regiment.

I did this rule in trying to crack down on not taking care of myself in the small ways (bathing, eating, being witchy with is the spiritual side of things) so that I don't mess up my days or weeks and don't lose time to fricking... episodes of PTSD fueled anxiety and depression bouts. Food is damn important for your body in order to be able to fucking function right.

So needless to say, it's a hot soup or bastard spicy stir fry day when I do finally eat. Which hopefully will be before the sun goes down at least...

In the past two months I found out the hard way we needed new hot pads, so I've been working on making new ones as little quickie projects on days where I need the boost to my productivity morale. Also discovered we needed another queen/king sized afghan for ourselves.  That I had already been working on, but it became the priority in being finished.

I have planted a clove of garlic in the spot where the basil used to be. For whatever reason, the basil just didn't make it. The spinach needs trimmed once a week as apparently it loves Phoenix's winters. (Hell I love Phoenix winters.)

Fiona is finally used to be wiped down with the anti allergen stuff so that we don't have to think about possibly re-homing her because of DR's allergies. She is the only cat our household is going to end having that is an indoor cat. We may end up with outdoor purely by chance in the future. 

Log Cabin Quilts have been around a
VERY long time.

I had decided before we agreed it was time to start the human side of our family, that we needed at least four baby blankets.  Currently I'm at two.  I decided on a whim last night to knit one of them and just make a large Log Cabin swatch. I'm not a great knitter. I can do the basic two stitches pretty well but don't ask me for socks anytime soon. And I'm doing greens and creams. The base color is a very lively lime green and DR hates it. We'll have three others he can choose from when it's just him taking the baby out on errands, he'll be fine. 

The new baby blanket will definitely push my skills a bit as I've never knitted anything bigger than a scarf.  Okay so maybe more a patience test.

Witchcraft wise I think everything is just glad I have a small green space for part of the year anymore. Though come summer time, I think moving the plants (container garden for the win) underneath the biggest mesquite tree will save some of the plants from the summer heat. Hopefully at least the herbs. 

So now, I'm back to blogging a little more frequently it seems. It could just be the New Year's energy but either way I'm liking it. Now if I just stay on top of my drawing practice. If nothing else, practicing drawing out designs for Jade Rose Zen. 

Rant Time - Charity "Works"

After an...interesting encounter at the laundromat, I'm reminded yet again that all of us are just one bad stroke of luck away from being on a street corner. 

charity

[char-i-tee] 
 

• Synonyms

• Examples

• Word Origin

See more synonyms on Thesaurus.com
noun, plural charities.1.generous actions or donations to aid the poor, ill, or helpless:
to devote one's life to charity.2.something given to a person or persons in need; alms:
She asked for work, not charity.3.a charitable act or work.4.a charitable fund, foundation, or institution:
He left his estate to a charity.5.benevolent feeling, especially toward those in need or in disfavor:
She looked so poor that we fed her out of charity.6.leniency in judging others; forbearance:
She was inclined to view our selfish behavior with charity.7.Christian love; agape.

Allow me to point out at no time in any definition of charity is it demanded. That becomes entitlement. Demanded charity is not charity nor should it be given under any circumstances. Attempted forced charity is asinine at best and downright criminal at worst.

One does charitable things for another because they CAN and WANT to. Never demand a person help their neighbor when their own household is suffering. Ninety percent of people don't have their lives together enough to be even considering being charitable money wise. Yet there are those who claim, assure and at times downright demand that all charity be done with coin. 

This is the lowest of the low in terms of charitable acts. Often times it's hand in hand with a political or religious bent which demands forcing others to supply resources to those deemed "less fortunate" many times ignoring the causes of said state of affairs for those individuals in need of such kindness. Many blindly claiming that without the government guiding such things, the wrong people might get helped. Oh you mean like the poor man I had to deal with today in the laundromat who needed to wash his clothes but was very clearly mentally ill in many ways that needed a caretaker to make sure he took his pysch meds and to keep him off alcohol? Myself and three others managed to get him squared away and kept out of other peoples hair.

And yet he probably gets passed over because the fake needy have already taken the resources home. Fake needy make up at least half if not more of all charity cases (and I'm being.... charitable... in that estimation). There are those who would call me cold for not helping any of them. Why should I? Most are lying and demand cash, a thing that can spent on anything. 

Genuine charity works are things like canned goods(that are not about to fucking expire) and supplies to homeless shelters like new socks and new underwear and new bras, washcloths and bars of soap in mesh bags so as not lose any pieces, feminine pads, hell even bandaids.

That goes back to my point though: Charity should not be done if your own household isn't order. If you're behind on bills, you've holes in your own clothing, pets to take care of and children to spend time with you should not be helping anyone else. Harming yourself to help another is a NET LOSS.  

Next point is the... bent... behind the charity work. I've walked away from projects because they started in with the politics. Politics are what damn people not help them. Religious rigidity about whom they'll help and the requirements before helping are another problem that needs to be completely eradicated. Topped off with they only want help from "Their kind of people" and you'll find the entire charity organization environment to be little more than a toxic wasteland of bloated pockets, egos and few people genuinely helped.

Charity starts and should stay with small acts of kindness. Be helping put scarves and hats on statues in cold areas with tags that read "If your caught outside in the cold and are in genuine need, feel free!" It's things like Blessing Bag's that make the little differences that really help a person get through their day. Here in Phoenix, easy to carry gallons of water for the really stubborn in the summer time that don't move up to Flagstaff. (Seriously, those folks are tenacious.) 

I've harped on this before and most likely will again. Seriously, when the most charitable thing I'm able to do for someone is help them get their clothes clean and that makes them the happiest person within five blocks, that there's something wrong with how people are approaching charity as a whole.

Black Zone

That's what I've taken to calling it.

October 2011 - March 2012.

When I hit my worst bought of depression since I was 16-17 years of age.

I don't remember most of November or December.  January was when things start moving upward and March was when for the first time since I was 11 or 12... I didn't feel like I was covered in oil.

I talk about this because I'm still bummed out.  Not as badly as the Black Zone, but still.  It's fucking with my productivity, my ability to keep the PTSD from getting severe in terms of symptoms.  Minor flashbacks I can deal with.... but not when they go on all day.

With the fiance going on work that I can't come along with, it's harder to fight days off like that.  He's become a very big part of my world and being able to deal with this shit.  So when he's not around and I don't get to see him for a few days.... yeah.  It's bad.  Dark gray.  Not Black, but definitely a darker grey than I like.

A part of what made January the recovery that it was, was because I had picked up the habit of crocheting one small thing a day.  Usually first thing in the day, after morning coffee and lovings from the MindyCat.  Be it a hat or a neck purse.

There were literally days, were that was all I did.  Was make hats.  Beanies to be precise.

I get one done, get up walk around, stoke the fire, re-clean something (I had mice seeing as how I was in the middle of the woods) and then would sit back down, pick two new colors and make another hat.

I made a lot of hats and purses.

I think I need to return that habit of one small thing made a day.  It puts something down as having accomplished something, and that causes a massive release of endorphin's to counteract the grey.  It makes it was easier to get other things done to.

And by the end of the day, I've managed to get at least two or three things done.  When you deal with depression a lot, that's a major accomplishment.

Even if that one thing, multiplies into several of the same thing.... I've gotten something.  I've made a step, from dark grey to towards actual colors again.

The orders are getting done though.  I'm not as bogged down this year as I was last year.

Don't be surprised if a bunch of bags and hats appear in the shop soon.

Oh blech

So for whatever reason today, I keep having minor flashbacks and it's proving hard to want to be online.

So here have something cute:

And one more for good measure:

The Problem....

is people expect other people to have identical experiences.

US Marine Corps expect people to think like them.

US Air Force expect people to think like them.

US Army expect people to think like them.

US Navy expect people to think like them.

US Coast Guard expect people to think like them.

US Civilians expect people to think like them.

...all the while forgetting that every last individuals experience is different, translated differently by that individual's experience.

Civilians can't understand military and military can't understand civilian because most of the time they BOTH are too stupid to remember that the life experiences are different.

That the goals are different.  That the past experiences temper how one sees the present.

Experience or lack there of, dictates how one is able to relate or understand.

And when one is used to someone normally getting it, it's a huge betrayal when even the one is using language that using the other can understand, they don't!

They don't get it.

You can't talk it out in the normal left-wing or right-wing methods.

Somebody has to shut the fuck up.

Someone has to humble themselves to the point of listening.

And when they don't, they can't get pissy and claim you're trying to be all "victimy".  ( Totally a word!)

You can hear someone all day long.

Whether or not you've listened shows through in how you treat that person.

Oh that's frustrating...

So I get messages from time to time on Etsy from friends of friends being sent to me looking for a particular crocheted thing.

Most of the time, after they hear/see the price they almost always "Thank you for your reply."

Which among us crafters is code for "Why the fuck would I pay that when I can get it from Wal*Mart for 3.99?"

The item in question this time was a beautiful crocheted cloche with flower embellishment.  22-25 bucks.

That covers the materials (which would need to a bit finer of a yarn for the flowers and leaves) and barely covers my time.

This is one of the most... derogatory things that happens on a weekly basis for all crafters I think.  Someone asks us to make something and for how much and then what happens?  The above.

Something else that coincides with this response is almost always the fact that the person who does this, 95% of the time is the same kind of person who bitches about "American jobs being sent overseas".  Here's a newsflash for you oh stupid one, stop fucking taxing businesses out of existence.
Here's a little background for those of you who aren't familiar with how hand crafts like mine work.

We'll use a beanie, as an incredibly simple example.

The basic beanie, can be down with one thread or two.   With any of the stitches know as single, double or treble and hell all the ones in between.

It takes 1-3 skeins of yarn, depending on how nice of a yarn or color variety you want. These range in price from 3.14 for 236 yards of thread (215 meters) to 8.99 for 174 yards.

Then the average crafting time is anywhere from an hour and 45 minutes to five hours (this is dependent on skill level and experience level).  I average an hour and 45 minutes on simple beanies.

Now, let's just say that for a really nice cloche I decide to go with a finer thread for the flowers.  This finer thread costs 6.99 a skein, and I get two in two different colors.  Then one skein at 3.14 for the main hat.

Now that puts me at 17.12 already.  And I haven't even started working on the hat yet.

So we'll say there's four flowers.  Each flower takes me 45 minutes for a total of 3 hours.
The cloche takes me 2 hours to make.

So that's five hours for this hat.  Now at the higher quoted price of 24 dollars minus the 17.12 leaves 6.88.

Now divide 6.88 by 5.

That is 1.376 an hour.

We won't go into any of the other things I make.

I put five hours of time into a hat, and am only asking 24 bucks for it.

Do the crafting community a favor: If you aren't willing to pay for quality and for the investment of our time, don't even open a fucking conversation with us.

In case you're wondering what it would cost if I put in the 8.75 min wage just to give you a baseline:
43.75 and that's just the cost of the time.  Plus material and shipping... try 60 bucks at least.

Do me and the rest of the crafting community a favor: don't get snotty, snobby, condescending, arrogant, snide, rude or belligerent with me when I give you a very reasonable price, when I'm the one who knows how much time goes into my work, not you.  I know my work is going to last you for several years when that junk you buy from some chain store is going to worthless in less than a year.

Stop your bitching about sending jobs overseas when you won't even invest in small business here.

Check your ammo and guns...

It was only a matter of time.

Australia Thwarts Beheading Attempt

In due course, I give high praise to the people who didn't sit on their hands, heads buried in sand and fucking acted upon intel.

Trying to be the aware to a certain extent person that I am, when Stephanie messaged me this morning going "Hey, go google the threat level for today" I let my curiosity take over.

I found nothing.

NOTHING.

The color coded threat level (which is the simplest threat level breakdown that I'm aware of ever) is...not there.

Instead there's this bastard child: Current Threat Condition

.....what the actual fuck?

Now... I don't know about y'all, but I don't have a recollection of them announcing they weren't going to use the color codes anymore...

Also according to them there are no active threats.... oh horseshit!

I will bet every last inch of yarn I have that there is an active threat.  What, I couldn't tell you, but nothing?

Yeah right.

*Stitch, stitch, stitch....*

"Just keep stitching, just keep stitching."

There are many days and times were this is the only mantra that I have going through my head.  It certainly was last week.  Concept called mindful knitting or crocheting.

I had stumbled onto this on my own a few years back but a friend recently pointed it out to me online, and a rabbit hole later I'd found a lot of information on it.

Why mindfulness is great?

Pretty simple actually.

You're are preventing events of that day/moment from draining you of energy you need for other things.  You're removing the power an event or memory has over you, by focusing on the yarn and project in your hand.

We are all aware of the significance of last week (9/11).  Being the passionate woman that I am (Yes, I heard that chortle) I decided for my sanity (what little of it that's left) would be better spent knitting or crocheting last week. As I had two personal anniversaries that make me cringe still that week, one of them being my first wreck ever at 26 (yes, I was pretty lucky to go that long, but there were a lot of things I could have done to avoid that wreck. No one was killed or badly injured, but it still bothers me a LOT).

And as we all know, 9/11 brings out the idiots of various conspiracy theories and just plain bullshit of people who can't seem to grasp the manner.  I hate that entire bullshit.  I repeat, HATE that bullshit.  It's one of the disrespectful displays of arrogance, bubble syndrome and plain naivete.  It spits on the graves of those who were lost when people quibble over what happened.

I still have the image seared into my head of them showing what used to be a dozen floors squashed into a space less than, if I recall correctly, four feet thick.  I'm still stunned by the news from friends who lost folks, that they are still identifying remains even today.

Those two reasons are part of why I won't engage in the endless roundabouts of what happened.  It's rude to the dead and disrespectful to the people who survived the events and the folks that the victims left behind.  Then you have the repercussions of those events, that increased all who were affected.  Which is a whole other kit and kaboodle of worms that need thrown on fishing hooks and drowned while sitting on the banks of a lake or river, while sipping cold beer and enjoying those who are with you.

So I put my headphones in or talked to my fiance or we went and watched the sunsets.  I just kept stitching.  Mindfulness extends to not just knitting or crocheting.  You can apply it to washing dishes, walking dogs, reading books, sharpening tools, cleaning guns, sitting with a cup of coffee and just watching the sunrise or sunrise or a thunderstorm move, etc.  It's healthy.  It counter acts depression.

It lets you have a few moments of just you. Of sweet, lucid, calming sliver of time that is just you and the world.  It lets you step back and reevaluate what's going on.  Re-establishes your boundaries, your balance, your center.  It takes the edge of this rape victim's PTSD flashbacks. It shortens them. Makes me lucid faster.  Yeah, the project ends up a bit wet from crying (yeah, I just admitted that), but I'm out of it faster.  It lets me work off the anger over careless from people who should know better and it let me work off the hatred over ignorant dipshits who don't know what the fuck it is they are talking about.

I've received a lot of criticism in the past year or so, over an increasing reluctance to commit to "pet causes."  There's been a rash of "warm fuzzy" causes, that you do for less than a minute and you get to brag you did for a couple of days and then what?  That was shallow, fleeting and you're back at square one with...well, I can't classify what for you as I'm not you.  And yes, this me criticizing several things all lumped together.

When you decide to champion a cause, you need to do it every day, even if it's just for a few minutes of sharing relevant information or laying out plans for the next event, etc.  You need to actually champion it.  You need to wear it like a tattoo.

So in response to a rather snide cunt, who may or may not be female, I'll listing out my causes again for all to see.  I don't really care if they are you "flavor" nor do I give a flying fuck if they align with your politics.  These are my babies, that I want to help as much as I am able to help. Many times, all I can do is help spread the word they exist but at least I'm trying to stay consistent.

The Battle Buddy Foundation  

Hats for Our Veterans

Right now, that's because I can't find the others or even remember which folders I have them bookmarked into.  Hats is run by a sweet lady, and donates several dozen (I think this year they managed a couple hundred hats) to organizations that work with homeless vets.  It's not much, but a warm hat, scarf and gloves is better than nothing, which is what I otherwise have.

For TBBF, it's sharing as frequently as I can and spreading the word.

So there.  That's my ramblings for today.  Now if you'll excuse me....*stitch stitch stitch stitch stitch...*