Jade Rose Productions Pimp out post

Greetings And Salutations my Roses!

Once I again I'm sharing my shop with you as we are coming up on gardening season and I need help

paying for my plant fix. All items in the shop are currently available however come New Years I will be switching many of them to custom order listings so that I stop having space being taken up needlessly by inventory. I'd like to be able to use my books shelves for their intended purpose! LOL! So without further adieu...

Jade Rose Productions

Here comes my month!

October and the Autumn Equinox are around the corner. Honestly I can't wait.  That's when it starts cooling down here in Phoenix and it's NOTICEABLE. The days of not having to feel bad about warm foods and drinks creep along getting closer and closer.

Were I a more out and about person, I could get away with wearing something outside of my shirt now and zero worries about the dirty looks. They become eye rolls this time of year and many times are the door opening to a constructive and productive conversation about superstitions.

Black, oranges, greys, reds and purples come out in force along with corn and squashes in preparation for Thanksgiving just the next month over from Halloween. The lizards stop darting across my windows in chase of juicy fat bugs and find places to hide from the ever shortening days, along with the local outdoor cat population now that it's getting comfortable to move around outside again.

How am I doing? Well, I think I'm all right. I've survived this month of notorious asininity so far. We've still at least a week.  We're almost there in paying off the car. WOOT even, though we might have a bad alternator that we're dealing with right now and something in the AC isn't working quite right either.

I've been busy working on holiday cards, presents, ornaments. Even realized I could really make orders from the Etsy shop sing a little bit louder if I include a small thank you card.

I know the blog has been quiet. That I've been trying to help but sometimes my Muse just doesn't want to talk to me in this manner.

I'm going to be aiming for at least one blog post a week next month.  If not two.  A Witchy Wednesday's post (You know how I like to get philosophical at times with the WitchCraftiness) and a in general "hey here's how I'm doing and oh, would you like to see my projects, here ya go" kind of post.

If I'm lucky, I'll get back into the rhythm of writing again.  I can't promise that the story serials will come back though.  I know there were folks who enjoyed those but those stories just aren't talking to me right now.  It's bothersome yes.

Just about the only thing in the garden that survived the summer was the Aloe and that was just barely.  We've been talking about just herbs and peppers this year for our small container garden set up.  Maybe even a small raised bed.  Gods know we have boards, it's just keeping the dogs out of it.

We bought a chainsaw. DR stopped arguing when he realized how inexpensive one can be and given we're in need of taking care of a few things, it's going to be seeing some decent use.

I bought a wood carving tool which I'm going to be learning and practicing with.  Looking forward to cracking open and using the grill again along with my cast iron dutch oven. 

Damnit Summer!

I'd really really like to bloody know what it is about the last two weeks of July and First couple of weeks of August have against me. Every year, in looking over my notes for the past ten ish years, those four ish odd weeks have always been downers. Like hard to navigate, 'do I really need to do this', nothing is getting done, HARD downer.

I fucking hate it. Last couple of years have been exceptionally hard but I think a part of that is because I'm in a steady home environment (have been the last soon to be five years in September) and so everything is going "Oh hey...we can actually deal with stuff now."   Um... can we NOT deal with it that way?!  No..... *grumble*  It's been so bad I let half of the Etsy lapse into expired listings... That's been fixed. But still....

Tomorrow is the day before Mabon. The plan is to take today and do my special music channel and work on creative projects all day, taking it easy because tomorrow (DR I love you...but I'm cleaning even while you're sleeping) I clean.  I super clean. I'm gonna bitch slap this house with cleaning rags so hard it's gonna cry.... or I'm going to be crying from the joint pain on or the other. ( Makes a note to take something with morning coffee so that pain stays away.)  Tomorrow WILL see a good house day.

So that I can spend Mabon in peace.

Why is that important?

Witchcraft:

Eh well... The Morrighan has been encouraging me to talk about this and Dagda, Danu, Anu, Cerridwen and the rest haven't exactly been quiet about that either. I've been getting nudges for the past couple of years but this year they've gotten a bit more intense....but I think that's because I'm back to a point in my abilities where I'm not straining to hear them anymore.  ....I need to talk to my sisters and  brothers about if they can see if any of my abilities are still dead and which ones are recovering and which ones can be saved.  There's one I don't want back.  Not gonna talk about that right now.

Basically it's a covenant of a kind. There's two parts that I have so far.  Grow my hair back out (which I'm keen to do because I've had it short for a few years now.  Thing about my hair is that grows really fast so by the end of the year, it's probably going to be shoulder length almost) and take better care of myself.  Man they yelled that last one so damn loud that day.

The Bullshits:
So part of my self care is learning that is okay to have bad and down days. "But those are the days I lose time on projects." Yes and that's okay. Instead of fighting those days, I need to let them happen so that they take up only ONE day instead getting stretched out over three and four days.  Yeah... bad Evie.

Makers movement:
YEEEEE!  So I visited with my parents for a week in early July.  That was so damn nice! Went fabric shopping with my mom and just got to spend some needed quality time with them. (It'd been almost five years since I'd seen them.) Mom also had several things of fabric that she wasn't going to be using in her quilting (she makes beautiful lap quilts and baby quilts for the Linus Project).

So I have a lot of new fabric.  There are:

1. Two button up shirts for DR planned.
2. At least three quilts for us.
3. Maybe close to five wall hangings.
4. Curtains.
5. About five or six vests for me (Wardrobe changes continue!)
6. At least two long sleeve shirts 
7. One more bib dress
8. Couple other indeterminate right now.

This is on top of the two shawls and one more crocheted vest I've been eyeballing making for myself.  One of the shawls...is well... special.

SHOUT OUTS:

As you guys know I have really cool people I'm friends with so we're doing two shouts out todays.

One is the Patreon account link to my friend who runs Reel Fun Studios.  Carie a wonderful geeky lady and mother to a beautiful daughter.  If you could give her page Carie Varner some love and some monthly coin, it'd be appreciated.

Also today I'm giving a signal to the newest Science based book out from my good friend Stephanie Osborn called "Kiss your Ash Goodbye: The Yellowstone Supervolcano"

Personal Stores:
Always be sure to check out what's going with my Etsy The Jade Rose Zen and my Teespring Jade Rose Zen Productions.

Time to keep today's momentum going. 

Forcing myself to write again

It seems to work sometimes.

Brain is at again. The anxiety is what is the loudest right now. Has been the last couple weeks now. The depression and PTSD have been solidly ones now which makes it a bit easier to deal with the anxiety because it's only one thing to lasso and two things to just keep an eye on.

There are times I have to wonder if voicing the anxiety makes it worse because I've given a partial form and other times....

Even if it just into my paper journal the day gets a little bit easier to deal with about half the time. Mostly because I end identifying what's going on and can take the steps to deal with it. The other of the time I can only figure out half of the stuff and then the other half ends being incorporeal for lack of a better term. 

It's definitely time for a hair cut again. I keep messing with it which is not a good thing because I've made part of my scalp sore before from that particular fidget habit.

I also need to stop taking dishonest stock in how I'm feeling when DR offers to pour me a drink. If the anxiety is acting up... I end not putting on the brakes. I really need to stick to my guns of no more hard liquor for me. Plus Hard Cider and wines taste better in the end.

One of the things I think a lot of people who struggle with same and similar issues forget is that it's okay to simplify your self care needs. Take my pixie cut for example. Taking care of your hair can actually be stressful. I have to admit it always puzzles me as to why more females at least don't take the time to figure out a good short cut so that it's low maintenance and your spoons/spell slots can't argue with you legitimately over it. 

Yesterday though even Mind was not having it. I'm not even sure what all I did to calm everything the fuck down, but it worked to the point I didn't end up wanting to stab things.

Sewing helps with that by the way. I get to stab something and MAKE something at the same time. It's a lovely thing really.


Plus there was an awkward moment today when I realized that the anti-glamour I cast in the grenade also covered the glamours we cast on ourselves to blind ourselves to our own faults. That's not so much a reflection on me however as a Big Sister of mine is...going through some shit and it's showing some of the markers from my grenade. 

She stills seems to be learning on to be her own individual just as much as I am. But... I figured out how to be a me without needing a DR to complete me because as people we're already complete (though the process to figure that out will always be a mystery and not a one size fits all journey). The reason we have companions is because we don't like be lonely for long periods of time. (How do you think crazy cat ladies happen?)

It's not that we need a puzzle piece from that person. It's that we find we enjoy them and them being around enhances and enriches our own experiences. So what happens when the you you are gets hurt and you have to forcefully engage your own space in order to deal with it?

Well... a lot of bad juju especially if the other person isn't willing to actually listen and they're being a dick. (Women included).

One of the things that has been aggravating to me recently is that it feels like I've lost my ability to communicate effectively as much as I used to say 8 or 9 years ago. When I started pulling away so that I could deal with shit, it affected my memory in some ways that I'm still figuring out.

And it's really frustrating when I'm trying to talk to DR about something and he keeps interjecting with what he THINKS I'm saying. Not a pleasant fight when it happens. Hence, I'm not finding the right words or expressions to get him to shut up so I can talk. Most of the time I don't need his feedback, I just need him to listen for a bit because there's only so much typing and writing I can do before I need to know someone is hearing me and AFTER I'm done rambling around trying to figure out the thing, whatever that thing is, THEN give me their thoughts.

Oh look, a normal adult thing.... I think? 


I have to admit I probably love the Pixie haircut a little too much. It's easier to deal with and in Phoenix heat... I don't have to worry about it inducing the back of my neck into a heat rash!

However there is a covenant of sorts on the horizon for me. Long hair is gonna make a come back, but there's a nudge to shave the sides and pleat the hair into a complex braid...which is not going to happen as I can't french braid to save my life. Like I understand the concept but I can't get my hands and hair to cooperate like that.

And we're gonna switch gears again because I remembered the other though I had: Conditioning. See, I'm an insomniac and part of the drinking problem is because I start to get bored sometimes...so... you see where that goes and how that's sticky. One of the problems with depression is that you sleep a lot. The more you sleep the more depressed you get and the more depressed you get the more you sleep. Extremely nasty feedback loop and you end up conditioning yourself to always seek sleep when you're depressed.

DR has suggested many times to just come to bed. No. That's why I'm always resistant to that idea of just sleeping when bored. That's a 'Aw HELL NO!' response because I feel into that loop for a couple of years in my early 20's. Ten something years ago. It fucked with everything. EVERYTHING. Hence I'm trying to keep myself within very strict sleeping times and if nothing else a semi-strict 'get up' time period.

Conditioning can happen in other areas too. Like whenever DR is home and we're hanging out, we got into the bad habit of always drinking something alcoholic. Fucking great...another factor. So now whenever he's home, I'm wanting to drink with him because that was our thing.

Yeah, you can see where that needs an over haul. Because then when he goes to bed, BRAIN the cunt that it is starts kinda freaking out because we're aren't going to bed at the same time while MIND knows we don't have to. Mind wins usually. When Mind has been overtaxed or is too tired, Brain wins and I usually spend the next day dealing with a major hangover.

That can be fixed pretty damn easily and I WILL fix it.

Now to figure out how to wrangle the anxiety.

Although next time here at the Wandering Witchling...

Maybe I'll be able to report on something I've been getting unceremoniously hammered with by the Morrighan for months now....

A Pagan's String Theory

Try not to let that little guy there to the right bother you too much. He just needed some suntime.

This... concept that I'm working that this post has to do occurred to me this morning after modeling the new skirt for my husband. It's pretty rad by the way. 

My mind being the rabbit hole racer that it is took off like a shot on the concept of sewing. Now for those who didn't know it, I've always had an extreme interest in archaeology and experimental archaeology.  The later is what a lot of the living history enthusiasts should actually be classified under in my humble opinion. My mind doing canyon jumps like it does from time to time hit remembered that sewing is most likely one of the oldest home making skills second only to probably leather working.  As in someone had a bunch of skin scraps that they couldn't afford to waste and the first scrap blanket was born.  

The two probably go hand in hand farther back than what we can currently imagine. With waning and waxing ice ages, massive volcanic eruptions that turned day into night for weeks on end, bold migrations into cooler climates that had more food animals but the nights could freeze you..... our ancestors would have needed to craft from whatever they could protective clothing. Weaving most likely didn't start to occur until our ancestors were better able to comprehend fiber and probably followed on the heels of sewing and skin working by only a couple hundred years by my best guess. Before all that was the advances in our tool making allowing us to more efficiently use a dead animal. Sewing and using skins more efficiently was only a natural progression. 

It's estimated that one branch of our genetic lineage, the Denisovan's (first found in Siberia's Denisova Cave) were using sewing needles as far back as 50,000 years ago. The article talking about this amazing find is here at Atlas Obscura. 

It most likely wasn't until roughly the 14,000's BCE before things like embroidery, crocheting or knitting might have begun to show up in their most earliest forms. Most likely the first embroidered piece of fabric was a mistake. Crochet and knitting were probably due to bored ancient humans trapped in the caves by long periods of foul weather.

Now we're going to put a pin in this train of thought and go back to the paganism for a bit.


Many people when they think sewing, knitting or any of those thread related activities and paganism, will inevitably come up with some very cutesy things utilizing these skills as means to express themselves or express a concept that they find beautiful and that rings true for them in their practice.

Many practicing pagans are exceptionally crafty (in the physical sense).
Many pagans also venerate or even worship the ancestors. 

Ancestor adoration comes in many forms and some major cultures in the world (many of which are in Asia) have been shaped extensively by it.

In terms of genetics, we all share the same ancestors whether some fucktards like to admit it or not.  Everything that binds those ancestors together into who we are is on our skin, under my fingertips as I type, the food we eat daily, the water we drink.

The first crafts or skills to manifest were surely sewing, leather working, tanning and cooking.

What if....we as Pagans in our search to connect with our ancestors on a practical and meaningful level has been in front of us all along?

What if it's not the incense that smells of old trees or a young (in terms of genetic history) translation of the Book of the Dead?

What if it's not the empty seat at the Dumb Feast?

What if it's not been the pictures in old albums and family legends told when feasting with friends?

What if the means to literally be connected with every branch of our genetic ancestry right back to even the first upright great apes has been at our finger tips the entire time?

If we were to take every single pagan and line them up, every one of them would have something that they posses a crafting aptitude for. Within that aptitude is the possibility of connection with our ancestors.

In every baby blanket crocheted or knit, one carries on the tradition of gifts to the new mother to help her even the odds of the new baby making it through a cold night. Every button stitched back, every tear closed, every meal cooked and shared, every dress or pair of pants... we move our hands in the same ways as our ancestors. 

By the sheer practice of these skills, those nameless ones find themselves with a sense of immortality. 

Despite all of our technological advances and our baby steps towards goals like colonizing the Moon and Mars and farther, we still every day take off the one thing that could truly stand out as being the first sign of our humanity: clothing.

We may not have made that favorite t-shirt from the plants fibers with our own hands but every time we put it on, somewhere in the past an ancestor's gleam of inspiration is there as the beginning. 

So my Pagan String theory is this:
It may feel modern, but you've allow yourself the right perspective you can still look over your shoulder and see that person holding up two pieces of skin and the idea in their head forming of how to connect them.
We, in our every day supposed hobbies, connect in the most literal way possible with our ancestors every time we pick up tool and thread and material.

Generic Title.

Yeah I know, but as it is I'm forcing myself to write. 

Garden:
That blasted jalepeno plant that got frost bit, is on it's fourth picking.  We're going to end up with at least a pint of jalepeno's. We had to get two new tomato plants and finding shade cloth has been a bitch. The rosemary, chives and garlic are doing great.  The green bell pepper has one...ONE... pepper and it's doing a "if this is only one I'm making then damnit it's going to be a good one".

House:
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  The longer we're here the more problems (as to be expected) pop up....but these are things that could be fixed if the asshole landlord just gave even an ounce of a damn. The outgoing sewer pipe... is the same pipes that were originally installed when this place first got plumbing. We've got rusted pipes and at least one if not more tree roots grown into it.  There's literally not much I can do besides document everything. That...is annoying.

There's one of the cabinets that's coming off the walls. It used to hold most of the coffee mugs, but with the purchase of another set of heavy duty plastic shelves, most of the pantry got transferred to said shelves and the mugs got moved to where most of the canned goods used to live.

Personal:
Good gods of old, new and to be it's been a rough past few weeks. The depression acted up. The anxiety acted up. I've been wrestling with brain (which is all the shit that is the depression, the anxiety and the PTSD and the emotions). Mind (which is all the logical stuff which includes the witchcraft side, the we have to do a better job of taking care of ourselves and our home side and just the 'not fucking broken' shit) has been ready to beat brain into a pulp.

While I've got my bujo system on my side there's only so much it can do when Brain refuses to fucking cooperate when it comes to eating.

"WE HAVEN'T BEEN PRODUCTIVE ENOUGH TO WARRANT TAKING A BREAK AND EATING."

At which point Mind usually fucking loses and has to fight Brain because I don't need to earn eating a fucking meal. 

Yeah, that's one of the demons I deal with. I know it probably doesn't make sense but that's what that fucking thing has become.

Brain has been getting in the way of finishing projects. Brain has been a little shit when it comes to drinking. Brain is going to get me killed if I don't keep the fucking thing leashed.

I mean seriously, there are times where it seems like I have to exhaust it before I can get anything done.
Other times I have to moved fast and get shit done, so that Brain can't steal that energy.  Yes, I just called my mental problems a vampire entity of sorts. I'm telling you, it's accurate.

Witchcraft:

It's been roughly a month and a half, so I can talk about the fucking nuke/grenade I threw finally. 

• It was more one of those "BTGOOANATB!  Fuck it, unfuck your damn shit people"
• "Drop those that are bad for you in ways you can't argue with"
• Lose the shit that's dragging you down. 
• Be smart enough to see the opportunities in front of you that will turn you into a better person. 

It's definitely been affecting people and I don't care. I'm a damn witch. Part of job is exposing the rot that people allow to manifest in themselves either by sheer fucking ignorance or denial or they're lying to themselves about not being ready to deal with something. I'm in that third category these days because denying things makes for a more powerful Brain and I'm trying to shrink that bitch.

On top of that, the pantheons are...in motion. They have been for the last year but it's really starting to double down. 

Frankly, the Gods can't do anything for me if I'm not in a position to be able to even accept their help with things. 

Yarn:
Oh gods it's coming up on that time of the year again where big projects have to be place on a table and not left in my lap. Else the AC will get turned down even more. Look, daytime at 84 is perfectly fucking fine. 78 at night. I've threatened the removal of firing pins if it gets turned to anything else. (Except Snu Snu... Then 72 is okay.)

Pets:
One of the doggos is having really bad diarrhea in the mornings. Because DR has gotten up to it on our thankfully tile floor.  So doggos got fed chicken today and tonight they're getting chicken, rice and potatoes. Not sure which one it is but hopefully helps their systems reset.

Fiona as you can see has matured and grown into quite the pretty cat. 

The weird things Nostalgia causes to happen.

Stormy Jonay

This was a Star Wars character I RP'd for close six years and then stopped due to issues with another player (albeit my fault for getting involved with that idiot. That idiot I stayed in TN for and so much shit could have changed if I hadn't developed a crush on him.)

Mind you I'm not really sure why Star Wars: Unforeseen Destiny crossed my mind. It'd been close to a decade since I had last thought of it just because of other things going on. So I went digging, partly out of fondness and partly because I wanted to see how they were doing.  This RP board is so old guys it started out on EZboards.com.  Yeah, that old.  Now this was our universe of Star Wars with it's own timeline after the events of Return of the Jedi.  Mara Jade and LukeSkywalker had been dead and gone for thirty years at least when Stormy came on scene.

I decided for shit and giggles to wrap her here. The board they moved.... just kind of died around 2011, six years ago.  They tried to start up again it looks like but...Life is not a kind nor cruel entity. It's just there.

So....let's see what I can do here.

I don't know what to call this one.

This one is a bit jumbled as it's something that occurred to me earlier this week and I'm trying to see if I can't sort it out into something coherent. 

You guys are familiar with the Spoons Theory?  It's a fairly easy and accurate way to teach someone about illnesses and psychical limitations that one has to deal with.  There's also a Spell Slot Theory that is a twist on the Spoon theory that can be used to explain to folks who've a bit more experience in DnD or MMORPG that don't quite grok why you'd use spoons, because spoons can be washed... and there you can see why I grabbed onto the Spell Slot twist on it. It just made more sense. 

Well my brain being what it was, was rambling on on on on about how they aren't and can't be the same thing. My mind went "Hold up...You might actually be onto something."

Spoon theory is based on the finite number of resources emotionally, energy wise and mentally in order to accomplish tasks. Be they minor tasks like brushing your teeth and hair for some people or for others, just managing to get dressed. Spoon theory in of itself is a set theory. It suggests the lack of presence to grow. It also suggests that some spoonies just aren't willing to take the time to sit down and actually look at their spoons and classify things like grocery shopping, showering, doing one house chore this day and this house chore this day and how many spoons those take.

There are spoonies I know that could stand to do this. Why they haven't is because I think they are afraid to. It's an intimidating task being honest with yourself. 

Spoon theory can also be used a convenient excuse by those who refuse to do more. 

Spoon theory also doesn't account for the fact that human beings aren't milled from a single blueprint. Every human who is a spoony, is going to have a different number of spoons compared to another spoonie.

Spoon theory, while it works, is constrained. Its perfect for those with enough experience with their issues, that know they really are set in stone and perfect for those lazy fuckers who just don't want to do more. It's also been claimed by people who have no damn right to it. It's also been used by people, who aren't really spoonies, but should actually be using Spell Slot Theory.

Earlier I said, Spoon Theory is a rigid concept. There is no room for growth.

Spell Slot Theory is one that should by many in place of Spoon theory. Spell Slot theory acknowledges that we are all at different stages of dealing with our issues. For some folks they are limited to five level slots, three level 2 and one level 3 currently. 

You see by employing the Spell slots, you acknowledging you're a still learning growing human being. You're gaining experience every day with what you can and can't do, and how much of what you can do. You're not limited, by either the issue itself (Fibromayaglia, Lyme's disease, etc) or yourself because you've decided it's not worth the effort of trying (would you please stop fucking selling yourself short?).

Let's say every year of dealing with an year, is one level of experience. At base level, you have these things called cantrips. They are little no cost things. What might qualify as a cantrip:

• Going to the bathroom
• Getting a drink of water
• Petting a kitty snuggled up to you
• Hitting play on the next episode
• Drinking coffee
• Eating

Now at base level you also have three-five level 1 spells.

• Making coffee
• Getting dressed
• Making breakfast
• Checking your email
• etc etc

Now let's say you find yourself at the end of the first year and at the beginning of the next year. That means you're now level 2.

You've a couple more cantrips now, things that used to be level 1 spells that you've managed to make easier through pure stubbornness. You have a couple more level 1's and now some level 2's.  

See where I'm going with that?

Now the problem with Spell Slot is being honest with yourself about whether or not an action is simple and almost mindless as to be a cantrip or a level 1 or a level 2. There's also the point to be made with let's call it a Practical Spell Slot theory, the more practice you put into accomplishing a spell smoothly, when you level up, some of the previous harder spells become lower level. Say making breakfast was a level 2 and you managed through dedication to not only make breakfast consistently but every other day also make extra ingredients that could be used in lunch or dinner later that same day. When you level up, Making Breakfast becomes a Level 1.

Practical Spell Slot Theory, or PSST (....not that wasn't deliberate!) allows you take into account that you don't stop growing just because you have issues. It gives you the freedom and lets you give permission to yourself to take care of yourself and your home.  Plus you can add a second factor into the PSST if you wish.

It's a concept, in role playing games like Pathfinder called Gradual Progression. You gain a thing every so many experience points. Say every four months (or three times a year) you set yourself a goal of adding a task that seems really hard to get done every week or every day (like washing some dishes or taking a shower twice a week). It's okay to tag it a above your level spell at first. It's not okay to shove it off to the side and say "It's too hard."

Practical Spell Slot gives you the room to fail but come back and try again. The thing with PSST is that when you sit down and go over everything you can do in a day, you might surprise yourself at just how much you are managing to accomplish.

I think it's safe to say that all three concepts need to see refined usage but that does mean a lot of folks will have to be a little bit more honest with themselves.

I'm still working on this as I think with my issues, I fall under Practical Spell Slot. I'm actively working towards trying to maintain certain levels of things and add to them. Like showering every other day and doing at least five dishes a couple times a day.  Still working on the showering thing as my mind constantly has to fight my brain because "OMG THE WATER BILL, WE CAN'T FUCKING RUN THAT UP RIGHT NOW" and my mind wants to stab my brain over this right now.

That was a big post....geez... and this concept essay still has some holes.... argh!

Relief

Jury Selection is now over. At the state level I don't have to worry about being called in for eighteen months. I actually got to understand the court processes a little bit better at the state level at least and find myself very pleased with the brevity Arizona attempts to maintain for it's civil and misdemeanor courts.

That being said it did fuck with everything. I had to be up and at the courthouse by 7:45 AM. I'm a chronic insomniac who also deals with anxiety. My heart rate that night while not "OMG WTF?!" was still probably 3-6 beats faster than it normally was. Yeah...I couldn't get it to calm down. Two hours of sleep later and realizing my fucking alarm was going off but the phone wasn't letting it play equaled a very disoriented Evie at first. Thankfully DR was just getting home and handed off a cup of coffee to me. Seriously that is one heck of a good potion.

All the cases scheduled for that day decided they didn't need jurors and we all got sent home. That left me spending a few hours at a lovely rather quiet cafe in Downtown Phoenix. However, I crashed a little before midnight and ended up sleeping close to ten and a half hours. Sleep wise I'm recovered.  Mentally wise...my brain is still screaming at me.

I've decided there's my brain (which is all the shitty stuff) and my mind. The Mind is the good guy. My Mind is the part that the logical, rational, still working on getting it to the point it can forcefully take over when the Brain is a blubbering mess. We'll see how things go since I've now decided to separate the two mental factions. 

Also means I have the energy freed back up in focusing on the Camping Retreat. Already started compiling the resources. Started with bulk quick oats, dried apricots and raisins. I was going to get blueberries, but they are expensive. Need to get at least two more fruits and I'm thinking at least six types of dried veggies.  Dried veggies last longer and are less bulky for long camping trips like this. 

Oh and there's the thing I don't miss about having an active phone number: the 1-800 numbers. Fuck you, if I haven't told a company within the last ten minutes to call me you ain't getting answered.

So today just has this so much more relaxed feel to it. It feels a lot lighter and less complicated. That's why I fucking hated the jury selection shit. It was a complication that I didn't consent to being thrown at me. Even if I wasn't a registered voter, the pricks also use Driver's licenses and state ID cards. Over half of us there that day, were third shifters. Because fuck our lives right? Seriously there needs to trials on third shift for those of us whose lives don't revolve around the Day star.

So the house is in a bit of a state of flux. DR has been on FB marketplace waaaaay too fucking much and we've upgraded a few things. Today should see the listing of my old inventory drawers, the re-listing of the packs and a few other things. I keep thinking we should have a small yard sale. We have enough shit.

Sharing the damn love.

 Well hello there March. Tell April no sneaking up on me, I have waaaay too much prep to do for the 2018 Retreat.

So what kind of shenanigans am I talking about today? Just a simple topic: Sharing the Love. Now, what I am meaning with this is hobby love.

If you're like me you've at least one social media site if not two or more. Tumblr, Facebook, MeWe, Instagram, DeviantArt, etc.
There are a lot of hobbyists on the previously listed and even other and more sites. If you're like me, you have things called Tags, that you like to look under.  You know the pound sign that has been reassigned to a "Hash tag".

Now when was the last time you went through all your tag favorites and gave random people some love for their work?

Ah! Now you see where I'm going. It's no secret some of the most creative people in the world, also deal with self image issues and self confidence troubles. Myself included. Especially on sites like Instagram and DeviantArt where you're deliberately putting yourself out in the hopes that someone either buys your product or recommends you to other people. 

I have both of these dolls from a commission that
 just kinda fell off the face of the earth.
 Click here for the listing information on
Etsy.

Wanna know my favorite tags to cruise around under?

1. Crocheting
2. Knitting
3. Sewing
4. Mori Kei
5. Weaving
6. Hummingbirds
7. Butterflies
8. DnD (because some of the stories, OMG!)
9. Paganism/Witchcraft
10. Bullet Journal

Now over on say DeviantArt, I can cruise for some of my favorite fandoms and fanarts like Star Wars, My Little Pony, etc. I'm not conservative with the "Favorite this posting" usage. 

Mostly because I know what it does for my ego and confidence when I get a random like. Hell even several sometimes depending on how well I've tagged something. So yeah, get out there and show some love!

Onto the Next Project!

 After the nuke that was my last post, I figured it was nigh time to talk about something a bit more positive: Like my future. So let's talk about my goals and how I'm using them to propel myself towards to cleaning up a mess or two that I made for myself because I was a raging idiot. Some lessons about responsibility can only be learned the hard way. So there are two goals I have for this year that I'm going to be sharing. I have other smaller goals but they don't require me to advertise and try to convince you to buy my product. ;) So let's see how well I can convince you today!

Goal number one is some new technology devices, which is the more achievable to be honest and probably the one that will enable me to begin a long term project I have in mind and make the second goal easier to achieve as well.

Goal 1 A: is a brand new mouse. Hell that can be covered if someone decides to buy even just one of my dice bags.

Goal 1 B: Is a new camera.

That would be the lovely Canon Rebel. Right now I use my old phone which is basically just a Wifi device, but it is dying. It's a almost four year old phone. It's lived through two moves and two dogs and a cat. Its still working on surviving the cat....

With summer approaching and soon to descend upon The Valley of the Sun my work emphasis does tend to slide towards working on smaller projects like Cloches and dice bags.  That being said I had to find something the other day and in one of my storage bags I found about a half dozen hats that I had forgotten I had made. Yeah, bad Evelyn. Those will go up as soon as I've had a change to throw them through a dryer. (DAMNIT CHOCTAW!) 

Also coming to the shop hopefully in the next week sunlight cooperating, there'll be a poncho and matching hat, more infinity scarves with hats, and slightly better fleshed out listings in a couple of spots.

Progress on a Gold and Crimson Corded Cardigan is coming along nicely along with a Mint and Lemon baby set. There is a Lime Lively "Chunky" knit scarf that will appear in the store in the next couple of weeks as well. After that there will mostly be nothing new for a few weeks as I'll be working on a couple of commissions and trades for work. There will a dig through prior projects put on the back burner and forgotten about and a huge push to finish as many of those as I can before going on the Second Retreat.

Am I bringing yarn along on the retreat?  ....you do realize this is me we're talking here right?!

So the second goal after getting the camera is a long term goal. This is the thing I was talking about in the first paragraph about having an idiot. This is one of those mistakes where it doesn't take long to accomplish it but damned if it doesn't take you awhile to clean up the mess.

I don't plan on dumping a huge payment onto it. No, that would be stupid as there are other bills that need paid too. Like the car. 

I'm going to be putting all sales after I get the camera (so that I can get better pictures of my listings) towards paying off my credit card. (Relax, they only trust me a 3300 limit. Which is a good thing for the time period that covered. Now I'm in clean up mode.) Once I get into a steady payment rhythm on it, I know I can have it paid off in a couple of years (barring any emergency car repairs. Eep even.) and also focusing on paying off the car. Those are the two things that will be building my credit and his up the best. We have until April 2019 here at the current place we're renting, but damned if we aren't hoping to be not renting by then. Takes work though.

So that the deal. Why am I telling you guys this? Well so that you know what I'm doing with the money from Etsy purchases. People seem to like knowing it how it helps. Also helps me solidify what I'm doing with the shop. It's not just for shits and giggles. Having set goals helps a LOT.

So in summary, the Etsy are going towards:
1) A New Mouse
2) A Rebel Camera
3) Paying down the credit card
4) Paying off the Rav 4.

A Letter

This letter is only to serve for me as a form and outlet to some very old rage and pain. I thought about changing the names, but realized it's been 27-30 something years since some of the things happened. I have very stark and clear memories of some things. Most of my childhood I don't remember in terms of negative or just mundane day to today. I can remember going to the zoo with my grandparents and being stupid excited. I can remember sitting in a log chair just the right size for me in my godparents home while waiting news on my sister's birth and can remember being the hospital holding her and then  going "okay she's too heavy for me, someone else want a turn?"
I can remember being ten years old at Walmart and this older woman giving my mom and dad the stink eye as she deliberately hit their cart with hers and then addressed "Lola and Randy Hively, why haven't you kept in contact?!" And my mom and dad's jaws dropping and hugging this woman profusely.  I can remember her turning to me and saying "Evelyn.... My god, do you recognize me girl?"
"From pictures. With little miss baby mohawk here."
"Yeap, but did they ever remember my name?"
At which point I think my mom interjected and told her, that was her fault, it had been so long and things had been hectic. The woman had nodded her head, as it had been for the same and we spent an hour yacking in walmart catching up. I never got to see that woman again. These days.... I have my reasons to believe why I didn't know her up until that point or ever again. She knew something was wrong.


Dear Sue,
I'm sure you probably don't remember me but you most likely remember my mother. For a very long time, you were her only friend. A 'sympathetic ear' in the maelstrom that my mother had found herself at the center of. Her own past sneaking up on her to being a mother of daughters exactly like her. I'm sure you've been wondering how she's been.

Wonderfully. Especially since she hasn't spoken to you in over twenty years. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm even addressing you considering you thought I was only a disobedient child. Allow me to state something: I remember.

You manipulated my mother for so many years, it's little wonder I have memories of my father just giving my mom a look of disgust when she told him I was going over to your house to be babysat. You lied to her to so frequently about how I wasn't taking naps when told, I was fighting with H your daughter frequently....

I remember Sue.

I remember your lies.

H was sexually molesting me. You thought I wouldn't remember because I was a fucking toddler... 

You thought I wouldn't remember how many of the kids in the church were like this. Either molested or the molesters....

I at this point in time, firmly believe an elder or one of the older kids or possibly even her father was the one who turned into the tormentor I knew. I recall rather clearly how he was always mysteriously absent when I was over.  I also recall it was never stated who or how young the "women he cheated on you with that facilitated your divorce" was.

I also recall you blaming the orphanage that you adopted R from for the... behaviors he began to show. No Sue, H took advantage of her naive adopted five year old brother.  Then we changed churches and I never saw any of again save once.  I was 11 I think then. I wanted to kill H and R and didn't understand why. The entire meetup so that you could "catch up with my mom" was tense and uncomfortable.

Then you vanished. Last I heard you had hidden away in Colorado.

It's been 30 fucking years. So allow me to be precise in my closing paragraph:
I hope H and R have cut you out of their lives completely. 
I hope they are doing well IN SPITE of you bitch.
I hope you know you have grandkids....and can never see them.
I hope everything you and everyone else in that church at that time turned a blind eye to in order to keep the "outsiders" from being even more critical of the church have been crushed by your guilt.
I hope your body has broken down the point you have to help just to take a piss.

I. Hate. You. For what you put my mother through with all the lies. For what you put ME through. For I what in turn did to another because I was an idiot fucking kid who couldn't know any better because you were boobs to wall determined to pledge allegiance to the persecution complex the church does such a good job of instilling in its members.

I loathe you. I hope every breath is a ragged glass filled rasp of suffering.

As for H and R.... I only hope they have found freedom. 

Sincerely disgusted with you,
Evelyn

Settings Rules for Your Personal Self Care.

1. Meals by a certain time frame.
   Example: I've set my rules as breakfast between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.; and as soon as you realize you've missed the time frame you force yourself to drop whatever you're doing and go eat.
   
2. Chores within a certain window of time.
   This one needs to be a hard fast rule. You set a goal time of say 4 p.m. and set an alarm if you have to. Do this first time slot for a week. Then evaluate. 
   Does this time slot work?
   Do you have your errands run for the day by this time?
   Is it hard to get going on the chores when it's at this time?
   Does it make it easier to flow into making one of your meals with chores being on the beginning of the hour?
   Make adjustments via 30 minute increments. If you find you can't really get shit done in the afternoons, flip it to A.M..
   Try to start the chores in the hour time frame of 9 A.M. and adjust by 30 from there. Within three months, you'll find the sweet spot.
   
3. Set realistic daily goals.
   When I say realistic, I mean write down your baseline that you find you manage every day. Aim to hit those every day to the point that they become instinctive.
   
4. Add new daily goals slowly.SLOWLY. It's reached the point that no matter how I feel I still try to do at least five dishes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much but when you're sick, fives dishes here and five dishes there can keep the kitchen from going under. Daily things can be added like drawing practice (for those with that inclination), writing (even if it's just typing out "I don't know what to say" you'll get bored of that pretty quickly and something will happen) or say washing one window a day.
   If you fall off the wagon one day, that's okay. Start over from the day before and keep going.
   
5. Honest treats and rewards for yourself when you achieve goals.
   Things like you get to binge on your favorite TV once you've managed to keep the dishes more washed for a month. Managed to vacuum at least once a week for six weeks and it's now a habit to do it on day (insert). You get your favorite beer once you hit a two month mark on something. A cup of your favorite tea(s) at the end of each day so that you can savor what you've done. And be honest about whether or not you've earned. Sometimes we have days were it's just better to shut the doors and windows and hide under blankets. Stay hydrated those days, but no rewards. The point is to be in control of your life enough so that those days don't put you behind in taking care of yourself and your world.
   
6. Break tasks and goals down by daily, weekly and monthly.
   Break your daily tasks down (mail, dishes, cleaning the dandruff off the cat, brushing your teeth, etc). These are your bare minimum and it's okay if those are all you manage. Now add in the weekly but spread the weeklies out over the week. Don't do them all in one day. Do trash round up every three days. Do vacuuming once a week (twice if you have pets and members of the family have allergies if you have a place that is all carpet). Laundry gets a specific day. CHANGING YOUR BEDDING GETS ITS OWN DAY AND PREFERABLY ON A DAY YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY.
   Monthly tasks: decide at the beginning of the month when you're going to do them. No I'm serious. Things like, scrubbing the tub, cleaning a shelf on the fridge (this can be done over three days time honestly), washing windows (when was the last time you did that?), etc.
   

Those are the most basic rules that I can derive from my personal experiences over the past several years. It's taken awhile to figure them all out. And to be honest, you should probably write them out. For whatever reason, we remember things better (right now) by writing them out. Don't let the computer program auto-finish it for you.

Print off a checklist for your week. Divide it into days. Keeping taking care of yourself and your home in bite sized chunks is a building block to later improvements.

So it doesn't really matter if you like the Bullet Journal method, a normal planner or what not, employ it. You're worth the effort.

Self Care First Aid!

Today's post might be a bit of tangled mess and for that I apologize. I had a great idea it's just been a bitch trying to figure out how to express the different points. Hell even identifying the different points that are important have been... kinda fighting me. Doesn't help that today was laundry day. It wasn't all that stressful today as the laundry mat was all mostly older folks who don't really bother anyone. It was just stressful enough that when we got home and I noticed one of the dogs knocked over my tomatoes plants at some point this morning, I had to sit down and crochet for awhile. In this instance checking to see if a design of mine would work in chunky yarn. Oh hey... I guess that ties back into my title doesn't it?

So let's talk about a small elephant in the room. No seriously, it's a small one. Maybe about two or three years old. Pagans, Wiccan's, Witches, Heathens... whatever your tag, it seems like we have a lot more people than other groups that deal with anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. I think a part of that is one of the things that is becoming or has become intrinsic to our 'community', is taking on a level of emotional honesty about what we're dealing as human beings. How many of us can honestly say the last Sabbat, Esbat or God/dess feast day we remembered to celebrate without being reminding by the Internet or friends? I think I managed last night, but it was because I was engaged in a self care ritual of sorts.

I'm starting to think we need to have a little bit of a focus shift. We can't be good stewards of our craft, if we aren't taking care of ourselves. We can't take care of our communities. Our inner circle of tribe, our friends or our family. We can't take care of our home or the pets that the Universe has placed in our lives to bring us some joy and unconditional love. 

It's time we do some first aid our lives and minds when it comes to our self care habits and needs. So I've been trying to figure out how to hash out the steps which was a bit more complicated today than normal. Usually when I do one of these essay's the words flow. Not today so much. They are there but they need some coaxing. So let's do some breaking down.

Normal first aid has steps like stopping bleeding, clearing airways, etc.

So needless to say our steps are going to be very different in some regards and more in depth.

1. Identify your worst problems. Like for me it's my depression, anxiety and PTSD mental and emotional wise. Physical wise it's I hate being pain so I don't exercise like I should be and hip problems. 
2. Identify your Shadow.
   This is the part of yourself that has everything repressed. Don't sweat identifying everything. Shadow work is something EVERYONE regardless of beliefs should do. It's a life long thing too. Everything you try to force yourself to forget and every negative emotion you squash becomes a part of the shadow and shadows left un-dealt with become something much much worse.
3. Identify how your problems manifest themselves.
   Do you skip showers for days? (We need to save money on the water bill. I have no friends who come over so why bother. I'm always sick. I don't have the energy.)
   Just don't eat? (I have got to finish this project. I don't want to get out of bed. Why do I even bother cleaning this house no one cares? etc etc etc)
   Obsessively engage in a behavior? You get the general idea.
4. Identify feedback loops, both positive and negative.
   I literally just got done this couple of weeks figuring out this step. Forcing yourself to put down your work so that you can eat, bathe, worship etc; is fucking hard.
5. Identify all the things that make you feel better.
   Pet play time! A good cup of coffee or tea. Taking a hot bath with smelly goods. Putting a favorite album on repeat. 
6. Identify what you are spending the most time and whether or not it's actually making you feel better in the long term. Short term be damned.
   If you're spending hours on ( insert site) arguing, you're not improving your mental mindset. You're not improving your ability to take care of yourself. You're not loving on your dog or cat or what not. You're not catching up on dishes, on cleaning a floor, on making that hat you promised. You're wasting time on things that aren't constructive to yourself, your home and those that genuinely need you. You're harming yourself. Quit that.

All of those take work and time. The next step of Self Care First Aid after Identification? I'm still working on how to explain that part with clarity. For me it's been setting up routines. It's been designating a chore hour where:

• I fill the dish drainer with dishes at least once if not at least five dishes clean.(This will get upped to at least six dishes in a couple of months.)
• Check on my plants on my way outside to throw away the day's trash and check on the mail.
• Morning routines are drinking coffee in bed currently (Seriously OMG I love DR dearly. Most mornings, this is my day start. Along with being under a purring cat and puppy pile.)
• Not checking social media sites right away. I go play one of my mobile games.
• Check my Bujo to do lists so that I know how much energy I'm spending today on the once or twice a week chore.

See what I mean about that second part? It's been hard to nail down

into a process. Plus there's the long hot relaxing bath on full moons now. There's literally nothing stopping any of us from being engaged in our practices in a manner that helps us be better people. Taking care of ourselves and our self care processes becoming better so that our days are less stressful because let's face it, we are our own biggest sources of stress 99,999,999 out of 100,000,000 times. We are to blame for things becoming sources of aggravation because we aren't weighing what is going on properly. This is self harm. And we all need to stop it.

I've been trying to figure out a way to express a "13 Full Moons of Self Care" kind of idea. It's percolating but don't expect it any time soon. 13 full moons of just taking care of yourself and your home. Because let's face it folks: You can't serve the Gods/Universe if you're too broken to even be honest with yourself about your life's condition. You can't take care of the God/s requests, if you won't take care of yourself. And you sure as hell can't take care of other people, if you don't have even 50% of your own shit straight.