Wednesday, July 24, 2013

That feeling you get

... when it seems you've done nothing but bloody your hands against a brick wall.

We've all been there.  That moment in time when you are going about your business and next thing you know... you run into a wall.  Be it one because of physical limits, mental ones that have been placed by religious restrictions (aka brain washing and punishment for deviation from that religions approved types of behavior), emotional ones due to past traumatic events or because of never having been exposed to a new experience in any way.  You bounce off it.

How you respond depends on past experiences in your life and how they've shaped your knowledge and skills or you're flying by the seat of your pants because you don't have a foundation to work from. You've holes.

Most people will whack away at the wall, for a little bit.  First sign of blood (discomfort) and they give up and throw up their hands, crying it's the will of the Gods and avoid dealing with it all. (Yeah, I have a bit of disgust for that.)

  I've hit a lot of walls.  Placed by the upbringing I had. (A combination of very asinine patriarchal bullshit disguised as a religious sect and an abusive home environment.  Yeap, same parents I'm putting up with right now.  And people wonder about my sanity.)  Experiences from only one real friend growing that I've known since I was 9 up until I was 16.  Experiences from being bullied, even in the homeschool groups and 4-H.

I was an Odd and an easy target, as I didn't fit in.  Couldn't fit in actually. I preferred books to people.  Though these days I prefer yarn to most people.  I was always a baseball cap, hiking boots, jeans and a t-shirt wearing tomboy.  Still am actually, but age has taught me how to balance womanhood and my rather "masculine" inclinations better.  

Masculinity is not nothing that should be feared really.  I get shit from a lot of people about my mustache.  (Yes, I have facial hair.  I've never really seen it as something that I should worry about.  It's just hair for crying out loud.)  So yeah, my body tends to produce a bit more testosterone than the average woman.  Big deal?  No... not really.  So if I want to have a matching set of power tools and wrenches, etc; I'm going to have a damn matching set of tools.  Tools are great.  Yeah, I've been in quite a few situations where I had to figure out how to fix a lot of stuff myself.  I'm okay with that.  I learned how to fix plumbing, build simple things, etc.  I'm cool with that.

Why?  Because yeah I could get a man to do it, but I know what it feels like to step back from a finished project and survey it proudly knowing I HAD MADE IT.  It's a lovely thing to taste honestly.  People who don't understand why people insist on learning to make things and fix things themselves, are going to be 9 times of 10 not worth the effort of trying to make understand.  It's a flavor of fulfillment that many people don't get to taste anymore or they've tasted something similar, but it's not real.  It's fake, like so many juices and foods these days. (That's a different damn rant.)

So despite all those skills, there are still times when I "look" at my hands and they are covered in my blood and the wall is still there.  Many walls have fallen in the past two years.  Starting in May of 2011, walls started falling.  (Can't thank my sister Lila enough for that.  I still owe her so much and it'll take a long time to repay that debt.)  

There's was a maturation I finally reached in my Witchcraft, where I found the rest of the right elements and those pieces fell into place.  When that clicked, that's when the other walls began to fall.  Though many of those, I used "C4" on.  They didn't want to fall after I destroyed their foundations to even exist.  So I blew them up.  Still don't regret the decisions to do so.

That's led other... more interesting walls.  Among them a few fears, that can not be reassured.  But I have only one major wall left, that has been insurmountable.  This is the wall, I bloody my hands on.

Part one: The PTSD and trust issues.  Fear, losing my beloved fiance.  Not being able to re-learn to trust another after him enough to be able to love again.  Ending up alone.  I hate being alone.  Been there, in that boat, far too many times.  

Part two: Not being useful.  I have minimal "employable skills" by today's society standards.  Trust me, I've tried to change that.  I've compensated with learning as much as I can about skills that most call "prepping", "Domestic" or "archaic."  I call them fun.  I call them, fulfilling.  Satisfying.  

Part Three:  The biggest piece of all.  Not having a purpose that I've been able to discern so far.  No purpose.  

That is the wall that has resisted everything I have ever thrown at it.  That is the wall I battle daily, weekly, monthly.   

This lack of purpose, gnaws a very hole into who I am.  It causes pain.  It causes grief.  It causes anger.  It causes me to seek skills and advancement of those skills out of an attempt to compensate.  Perhaps over compensate   

Though be re-assured by multiple sources that I have one, its not manifested yet.  And sources have assured, it's not a destiny.  Just a purpose.

I admit I am envious of these folks who a purpose.  You're lucky you found one or were given one at an early enough stage to give it the attention and commitment it deserves.  You people who can once one purpose is fulfilled, move onto the next.  You don't know how lucky you are.

Don't feel pity for me.  Whatever my purpose ends up being, you can bet I'll kick ass at it.

But for now, I'm stuck with bloody hands against this wall.  This wall will fall eventually.  Hell, it may even vanish completely in the blink of an eye.

  And then there will be other walls... the other walls are smaller than this one wall. And they will always be smaller than the One Wall.

However, I can't hate on the wall, too much.  It has taught me lessons, that I wouldn't have learned otherwise.  

The One Wall, sharpens me.  Its toned my mind in ways that I've observed most to not have.  I've been tempered in many ways by the One Wall.  I would even hazard to strengthened in some ways. 

And its given me... a great right hook and left jab.

No comments:

Post a Comment