A Tale of Two

The following story has fictionalized elements in it, in that the homestead doesn't exist yet and names in some cases are changed to protect my friends and family. Other names aren't changed...much.

This story talks about rape. If that triggers you, click off.

Yes, this is me finally finding a way to talk about what happened to me. In 2009 and 2010. 

EJ kept packing the boxes as Danny and the others chattered around her excitedly. Since the luck of snagging acerage for the long awaited homestead, she'd been making video content chronicling everything. When they were ready, she'd opened the doors to a few friends, family and tribe to come visit over the summer.

The response had been had been wonderfully enthusiastic. Most sent their love and celebration of her finally finding home via note card but a few hadn't passed on the chance for a vacation with access to a handful of overpopulated fishing ponds. Her big brother Chance "CJ" Parker had been the first to contact her for an address to meet up. Three friends of his came along as well, because the prospect of easy fishing was that good. One of them, Jake Rozario had taken an immediate shine to her and Danny, her husband.

Danny had been a little jealous at first but relaxed once learned Jake had someone as well. Chance's and EJ's banter kept him in a solid laughing fit sometimes for minutes. Some of the teasing comments from her friends Shawn and Rhiannon made her chuckle, but she didn't break from her packing. The endorphin rush of things finally working was what was keeping her going despite little sleep the night before.

Last of the supplies for this run back into town were finally packed away after a long game of tetris style packing. Danny took for the homestead with Shawn, Rhiannon and the other three people who'd come out. Jake and Chance stayed back EJ just in case she needed another hand with anything. They spent that evening at a campground, sitting around the fire and catching each other up while getting to know Jake better, however they still called it an early night.

Before the sun was fully up, EJ was up and working getting coffee brewed over the campfire while prepping breakfast. Chance had warned Jake to do his best to avoid startling EJ, as she had very sharp elbows according to Danny. He made a bunch of noise as he climbed out his small tent and started breaking everything down. Walking over to hand off a cup of coffee, she observed the sunrise was turning red.

"Lovely. We'll need to get going soon if it does storm. There's lots of unpassable areas when it floods."

Jake nodded as he worked quickly. Getting caught in that, was not on his agenda.

EJ finished breakfast and rather unceremoniously banged a pot in the direction of Chance's tent.

"Aw come ON!" he yelled from inside.

"Bacon, eggs and toast buddy boy. Get up and att'em before Jake eats them all."

Consuming and cleaning up after breakfast was a quick affair as EJ was anxious to get on the road. After doing a final fire check, the three headed back to the truck, EJ telling Chance about the route they'd be taking.  She suddenly froze in horror as a voice came from behind them that she'd hoped to have never heard again.

"Hello EJ."

Chance's eyes widened in alarm as EJ began to tremble.

"James..."

She half turned to face him, keeping her pistol on her hip out of his sight as much as possible. Chance took a side step so he keep an eye on the intruder.

"I heard the good news," he said slowly, dragging his eyes up and down her body profile as he took a step towards her.

"You need to leave," she said, her voice almost snapping with iciness. 

"Don't be that way darling" he half cooed and oozed.

Jake watched the newcomer through narrowed eyes, his instincts in full alarm. There was something not right about this that left him ready to pull his sidearm.

"You need to leave," she spoke the same words a second time, slowly gripping her pistol.

"I'm going to take what's mine EJ. And that's you. If you're lucky, you can keep your new friends..." he snarled slowly.

"You. Need. To. Leave." she spoke a third time. Chance noticed the shaking stopped and he braced himself.

James charged at her his hand going for his own gun. EJ cleared leather and put four shots into his fat sloven belly before he managed to even bring the gun to bear. He dropped to his knees, choking. He looked down at his gut at the blood beginning to flow from his wounds and then back at her.

"I warned you" she replied without emotion. 

He fell over onto his side, violently coughing up blood. Jake turned to look at her in time to watch her calmly, almost too calmly, return her 9mm to its proper resting on her right hip. He looked back at the shot man and realized he'd been wearing body armor underneath the shirt. She had have known because she shot below it.

"Will you call 911 Chance? You know how to talk to those guys better than me," she asked him quietly.

He nodded pulling out his phone as EJ walked to the truck and sat down on the bumper. She looked exhausted and a little green around the gills. Jake sat down near her, being mindful of her personal space.

"Gonna be a long day," he told her.

She nodded robotically.

"If you feel yourself get sick, it's okay to let it happen," he told her.

"I know..." she responded hoarsely.

_________________________________________________________________


Three days later of long conversations with police, investigators, etc EJ was sitting at the camp table working on a small salad at Jake's insistence.  Chance pulled up in the truck and hopped out, immediately making a beeline for them. 

"Good news and bad news."

EJ stopped eating and looked at him.

"Bad news is once word got out about Jame's misfortune, over eight different people called into the police station wanting to know how they could add their charges to ones he was going to face. All women."

EJ started to match the color of her salad.

"There was a lot of talking done, but the DA has decided not to file charges against you."

Jake and EJ both let out a sigh of relief. 

"Let's get loaded up. Also, I'm driving not you. I know how little sleep you've been getting." 

She didn't argue but worked on finishing her salad.

Chance called over his shoulder as he went to take down her hammock.

"He died of his injuries last night by the way."

EJ smiled a very cold smile.

________________________________________________________________

The drive to the homestead was only about two hours long but it seemed an eternity for EJ. She barely said anything, just stared out the window. Chance had double checked the route with Danny. First question out of her husbands mouth was "Is my baby hurt?"

Chance had spent the better part of an hour on the phone with him, appraising him of everything that had occurred and praising her shooting.

"Get her home Chance. She's not gonna start to be okay until she is," Danny had begged him.

When they were about ten minutes away, EJ finally shook herself out of her stupor.

"Chance, do I tell you thank you enough for sticking around?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"Yes."

"O.k... good."

"So many hours are you going to be spending chopping wood hmm?" 

"As many as it takes," was the quiet reply.

As the vehicle pulled up, Rhiannon and Danny were waiting out front for them. Though it was a small smile, the joy was palpable at seeing her husband again.  The truck had barely even finished stopping before Danny was opening her side door and hugging her tightly.

Jake hopped out of the truck bed and greeted Rhiannon with a hug.

"Thanks for watching her back," she told him.

"She's pretty cool, how could I not?" he said as he grabbed the first of the boxes from the truck bed.

Danny finally let go of EJ long enough for her to climb out of the truck but kept an arm near her protectively.

"There's a whole lotta wood, food and drinks when you need them. However I think sleeping in your own bed for a change is the first priority."

She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder as they walked to the house.

_________________________________________________________________

It was probably around two in the morning when Jake found himself awake and unable to go back to sleep. He slipped his clothes on and stepped outside to stretch his legs. Off to the side, he could hear a soft thump happening occasionally. Curious, he went to find the source.  He found the wood pile and an EJ wielding an axe into pieces of logs. Rhiannon and Chance were with her, but Danny was absent.

EJ glanced over her shoulder almost as if she had sensed him.

"Hey, I didn't wake you did I?"

He shook his head as he joined Rhiannon on her log bench. 

"Nah. Where's Danny?"

"He's got a case down in the big town and has to be up early. Else he'd be out here too," Rhiannon drawled.

Chance set her up with a piece of cherry wood.

"Seriously?"

"Given some of the questions I have, yes."

"Fire away" she said before slamming the axe halfway through the extremely knotty wood.

Jake got his question in first.

"Who was he?"

EJ didn't answer right away as she worked the axe free.

"I'm going and grabbing hard ciders," Rhiannon said.  She was quick about it too handing them out to everyone.  EJ waved hers off for the time being.

"Let me finish this piece and then I'll be done for the night."

She made eye contact with Jake.

"James was one of two of my rapists from close to ten years ago."

Jake blinked several times as Chance growled. Rhiannon being a fellow and older Witch, had heard bits and pieces already over the years.

"Down brother."

Jake leaned forward, listening intently. She gave him a sad smile.

"To those on the outside looking in we were dating. In reality, I was just the female roommate he was fucking. One night after coming home from work I was half asleep, getting out of my uniform when he suddenly got out of bed and threw me at the bed. Forcing me to bend over it, he damn near ripped my pants, not bothering to pull them all the way off even before violating me. Now, we were engaged in a little bit of bdsm but at that time it was more violence than I had ever agreed to. I think I bled for three days straight afterwards."

Chance exhaled a slow controlled breath. EJ went back to the piece of cherry and finished it off in six straight through chops.

"That was the night I knew the lie. Thing started to go south as it had sunk in what I was to him. Slept with someone else twice, wasn't cheating though. Though I think at that point, it was a kind of jacked up survival mechanism damn near. The guys I chose were mistakes mind you but they at least didn't treat me like a meat sack."

EJ sat down on the ground with the smaller chopping block and hatchet after putting the axe away, and began to whittle smaller chunks of cherry out of one of the pieces.

"After we parted ways, he wrote a blog entry, back when LiveJournal was all the rage talking about me. You can ask Shawn, I let him read it. When he got done, I asked him if my impression of the article being along the lines of him talking about a prized hound having slipped it's collar and run away was okay. He said that it had been his exact thought too."

She kept steadily working on the piece of cherry while talking to them.

"Later that year I met Daniel Collins. He was his own bucket of crazy. But he distracted me from all the drama James kept trying to cause. I think at one point he even tried to get me banned  from several of the cons I used to go to back in the South East. Many of those idiots for years afterwards would just wink, wink, nudge, nudge when it came to his behavior."

She finished with the first piece and moved onto a second.

"And Collins?" Chance gently pressed her.

"It wasn't until we were done with each other that I realized how much a malignant narcissist he was...among other problems. Like when he was sober but on his meds he was himself. A shy boy who loved to wood burn. Off his meds, he was second more violent leaning personality. When he would drink, he was a third and when he slept walked, a fourth. Drunk and over indulged in his meds, a fifth."

Jake and Chance grimaced at almost the same time from the note of brittleness in her voice. Jake waited until she had put the hatchet down before gently taking on her hands in to his own. 

"You know that may be why I had such trouble with the liquor for so long..."

Chance raised an eyebrow.

"The first time at Collins' hands, we'd been partying with friends that evening. Kinda hard. I woke up in the middle of the night on my stomach and with him on top of me. He was just laughing quietly in this maniacal way. I blacked back out and in the morning, he did his damnedest to convince me it'd only be a dream."

Jake's gripe on her hand tightened a little bit as he felt himself get a little sick to his stomach.

"It was only three weeks later that it happened again. I can still hear  his laugh in my ear as he almost broke my wrist as I reached for my pistol. After that night, I started drinking more...just so that I wouldn't wake up at night if anything happened again."

Chance grimaced.

"It's almost an autopilot response that you've been having to work to re-write," he observed.

"Yeap."

Everyone sat quietly for a few moments.

"So you were grateful then James gave you an opportunity for..." Jake asked.

"Grateful?"

Her voice and face lost all emotion.

"I was ecstatic. I just wish I could have seen the life leave his eyes. I wanted to say so much to him before shooting him but it wouldn't have done any good for me. I wanted to shoot him with every last round in my gun."

Jake felt his hair stand on end. The lack of anything in EJ's voice was unnerving.

"However, I have won in the end when it comes to James. Sadly I'll have to find out who betrayed me to him. He shouldn't have been able to find me without that or, a private investigator and he was always too much a cheap fuck to pay someone to do something. Though I'd like to stop wondering if it's my fault they went on to hurt other women after me given at least Collin's patterns."

Chance growled.

"No. You're not responsible for them. In the end, you are your own first responder and you're responsibility is to take care of yourself. Their other victims aren't on your head and I hate every idiot that tries to make it about collective anything," Chance spat.

Rhiannon and Jake nodded in agreement.

"Now you said something about his patterns?" Rhiannon said, putting the conversation back on track.

"Ah yes... his hunting style. He had a knack for seeing a relationship on the rocks. He would present himself as a willing ear, a shoulder to cry on. He put forth the golden effort of everything right to make a girl feel better," her voice dripped with contempt.

"Usually he'd start working his way towards sex after only a few days, but sometimes all he'd have to say was that he was a better fuck than their current husband."

She sighed in disgust.

"Once divorce proceedings would start coming to a conclusion he tend to start to look for excuses not to hang out or see them. He'll get rougher, more demanding and more defiant of her wishes during sex. Once the proceedings are finished, he's already found a new girl and is plying her heartstrings while the prior girl finds herself never hearing from him again. To the point that even his friends, will close her out of their circles, despite having taken a shine to any of the girls."

Jake said something under his breath about proto human sacks of shit.

"What do you think pushed James over the edge to come hunt you down?" Jake asked.

"I'd rather not know" was the answer.

"All right, I'm still not tired. I'm gonna go stoke up the fire if we're gonna keep sitting out here spilling dark secrets," EJ said with a dry laugh.

"I'll get the food and new drinks," Rhiannon said.

Jake and Chance helped the ladies up and headed with EJ over to the fire pit.

Jade Rose Productions Pimp out post

Greetings And Salutations my Roses!

Once I again I'm sharing my shop with you as we are coming up on gardening season and I need help

paying for my plant fix. All items in the shop are currently available however come New Years I will be switching many of them to custom order listings so that I stop having space being taken up needlessly by inventory. I'd like to be able to use my books shelves for their intended purpose! LOL! So without further adieu...

Jade Rose Productions

Here comes my month!

October and the Autumn Equinox are around the corner. Honestly I can't wait.  That's when it starts cooling down here in Phoenix and it's NOTICEABLE. The days of not having to feel bad about warm foods and drinks creep along getting closer and closer.

Were I a more out and about person, I could get away with wearing something outside of my shirt now and zero worries about the dirty looks. They become eye rolls this time of year and many times are the door opening to a constructive and productive conversation about superstitions.

Black, oranges, greys, reds and purples come out in force along with corn and squashes in preparation for Thanksgiving just the next month over from Halloween. The lizards stop darting across my windows in chase of juicy fat bugs and find places to hide from the ever shortening days, along with the local outdoor cat population now that it's getting comfortable to move around outside again.

How am I doing? Well, I think I'm all right. I've survived this month of notorious asininity so far. We've still at least a week.  We're almost there in paying off the car. WOOT even, though we might have a bad alternator that we're dealing with right now and something in the AC isn't working quite right either.

I've been busy working on holiday cards, presents, ornaments. Even realized I could really make orders from the Etsy shop sing a little bit louder if I include a small thank you card.

I know the blog has been quiet. That I've been trying to help but sometimes my Muse just doesn't want to talk to me in this manner.

I'm going to be aiming for at least one blog post a week next month.  If not two.  A Witchy Wednesday's post (You know how I like to get philosophical at times with the WitchCraftiness) and a in general "hey here's how I'm doing and oh, would you like to see my projects, here ya go" kind of post.

If I'm lucky, I'll get back into the rhythm of writing again.  I can't promise that the story serials will come back though.  I know there were folks who enjoyed those but those stories just aren't talking to me right now.  It's bothersome yes.

Just about the only thing in the garden that survived the summer was the Aloe and that was just barely.  We've been talking about just herbs and peppers this year for our small container garden set up.  Maybe even a small raised bed.  Gods know we have boards, it's just keeping the dogs out of it.

We bought a chainsaw. DR stopped arguing when he realized how inexpensive one can be and given we're in need of taking care of a few things, it's going to be seeing some decent use.

I bought a wood carving tool which I'm going to be learning and practicing with.  Looking forward to cracking open and using the grill again along with my cast iron dutch oven. 

Damnit Summer!

I'd really really like to bloody know what it is about the last two weeks of July and First couple of weeks of August have against me. Every year, in looking over my notes for the past ten ish years, those four ish odd weeks have always been downers. Like hard to navigate, 'do I really need to do this', nothing is getting done, HARD downer.

I fucking hate it. Last couple of years have been exceptionally hard but I think a part of that is because I'm in a steady home environment (have been the last soon to be five years in September) and so everything is going "Oh hey...we can actually deal with stuff now."   Um... can we NOT deal with it that way?!  No..... *grumble*  It's been so bad I let half of the Etsy lapse into expired listings... That's been fixed. But still....

Tomorrow is the day before Mabon. The plan is to take today and do my special music channel and work on creative projects all day, taking it easy because tomorrow (DR I love you...but I'm cleaning even while you're sleeping) I clean.  I super clean. I'm gonna bitch slap this house with cleaning rags so hard it's gonna cry.... or I'm going to be crying from the joint pain on or the other. ( Makes a note to take something with morning coffee so that pain stays away.)  Tomorrow WILL see a good house day.

So that I can spend Mabon in peace.

Why is that important?

Witchcraft:

Eh well... The Morrighan has been encouraging me to talk about this and Dagda, Danu, Anu, Cerridwen and the rest haven't exactly been quiet about that either. I've been getting nudges for the past couple of years but this year they've gotten a bit more intense....but I think that's because I'm back to a point in my abilities where I'm not straining to hear them anymore.  ....I need to talk to my sisters and  brothers about if they can see if any of my abilities are still dead and which ones are recovering and which ones can be saved.  There's one I don't want back.  Not gonna talk about that right now.

Basically it's a covenant of a kind. There's two parts that I have so far.  Grow my hair back out (which I'm keen to do because I've had it short for a few years now.  Thing about my hair is that grows really fast so by the end of the year, it's probably going to be shoulder length almost) and take better care of myself.  Man they yelled that last one so damn loud that day.

The Bullshits:
So part of my self care is learning that is okay to have bad and down days. "But those are the days I lose time on projects." Yes and that's okay. Instead of fighting those days, I need to let them happen so that they take up only ONE day instead getting stretched out over three and four days.  Yeah... bad Evie.

Makers movement:
YEEEEE!  So I visited with my parents for a week in early July.  That was so damn nice! Went fabric shopping with my mom and just got to spend some needed quality time with them. (It'd been almost five years since I'd seen them.) Mom also had several things of fabric that she wasn't going to be using in her quilting (she makes beautiful lap quilts and baby quilts for the Linus Project).

So I have a lot of new fabric.  There are:

1. Two button up shirts for DR planned.
2. At least three quilts for us.
3. Maybe close to five wall hangings.
4. Curtains.
5. About five or six vests for me (Wardrobe changes continue!)
6. At least two long sleeve shirts 
7. One more bib dress
8. Couple other indeterminate right now.

This is on top of the two shawls and one more crocheted vest I've been eyeballing making for myself.  One of the shawls...is well... special.

SHOUT OUTS:

As you guys know I have really cool people I'm friends with so we're doing two shouts out todays.

One is the Patreon account link to my friend who runs Reel Fun Studios.  Carie a wonderful geeky lady and mother to a beautiful daughter.  If you could give her page Carie Varner some love and some monthly coin, it'd be appreciated.

Also today I'm giving a signal to the newest Science based book out from my good friend Stephanie Osborn called "Kiss your Ash Goodbye: The Yellowstone Supervolcano"

Personal Stores:
Always be sure to check out what's going with my Etsy The Jade Rose Zen and my Teespring Jade Rose Zen Productions.

Time to keep today's momentum going. 

Forcing myself to write again

It seems to work sometimes.

Brain is at again. The anxiety is what is the loudest right now. Has been the last couple weeks now. The depression and PTSD have been solidly ones now which makes it a bit easier to deal with the anxiety because it's only one thing to lasso and two things to just keep an eye on.

There are times I have to wonder if voicing the anxiety makes it worse because I've given a partial form and other times....

Even if it just into my paper journal the day gets a little bit easier to deal with about half the time. Mostly because I end identifying what's going on and can take the steps to deal with it. The other of the time I can only figure out half of the stuff and then the other half ends being incorporeal for lack of a better term. 

It's definitely time for a hair cut again. I keep messing with it which is not a good thing because I've made part of my scalp sore before from that particular fidget habit.

I also need to stop taking dishonest stock in how I'm feeling when DR offers to pour me a drink. If the anxiety is acting up... I end not putting on the brakes. I really need to stick to my guns of no more hard liquor for me. Plus Hard Cider and wines taste better in the end.

One of the things I think a lot of people who struggle with same and similar issues forget is that it's okay to simplify your self care needs. Take my pixie cut for example. Taking care of your hair can actually be stressful. I have to admit it always puzzles me as to why more females at least don't take the time to figure out a good short cut so that it's low maintenance and your spoons/spell slots can't argue with you legitimately over it. 

Yesterday though even Mind was not having it. I'm not even sure what all I did to calm everything the fuck down, but it worked to the point I didn't end up wanting to stab things.

Sewing helps with that by the way. I get to stab something and MAKE something at the same time. It's a lovely thing really.


Plus there was an awkward moment today when I realized that the anti-glamour I cast in the grenade also covered the glamours we cast on ourselves to blind ourselves to our own faults. That's not so much a reflection on me however as a Big Sister of mine is...going through some shit and it's showing some of the markers from my grenade. 

She stills seems to be learning on to be her own individual just as much as I am. But... I figured out how to be a me without needing a DR to complete me because as people we're already complete (though the process to figure that out will always be a mystery and not a one size fits all journey). The reason we have companions is because we don't like be lonely for long periods of time. (How do you think crazy cat ladies happen?)

It's not that we need a puzzle piece from that person. It's that we find we enjoy them and them being around enhances and enriches our own experiences. So what happens when the you you are gets hurt and you have to forcefully engage your own space in order to deal with it?

Well... a lot of bad juju especially if the other person isn't willing to actually listen and they're being a dick. (Women included).

One of the things that has been aggravating to me recently is that it feels like I've lost my ability to communicate effectively as much as I used to say 8 or 9 years ago. When I started pulling away so that I could deal with shit, it affected my memory in some ways that I'm still figuring out.

And it's really frustrating when I'm trying to talk to DR about something and he keeps interjecting with what he THINKS I'm saying. Not a pleasant fight when it happens. Hence, I'm not finding the right words or expressions to get him to shut up so I can talk. Most of the time I don't need his feedback, I just need him to listen for a bit because there's only so much typing and writing I can do before I need to know someone is hearing me and AFTER I'm done rambling around trying to figure out the thing, whatever that thing is, THEN give me their thoughts.

Oh look, a normal adult thing.... I think? 


I have to admit I probably love the Pixie haircut a little too much. It's easier to deal with and in Phoenix heat... I don't have to worry about it inducing the back of my neck into a heat rash!

However there is a covenant of sorts on the horizon for me. Long hair is gonna make a come back, but there's a nudge to shave the sides and pleat the hair into a complex braid...which is not going to happen as I can't french braid to save my life. Like I understand the concept but I can't get my hands and hair to cooperate like that.

And we're gonna switch gears again because I remembered the other though I had: Conditioning. See, I'm an insomniac and part of the drinking problem is because I start to get bored sometimes...so... you see where that goes and how that's sticky. One of the problems with depression is that you sleep a lot. The more you sleep the more depressed you get and the more depressed you get the more you sleep. Extremely nasty feedback loop and you end up conditioning yourself to always seek sleep when you're depressed.

DR has suggested many times to just come to bed. No. That's why I'm always resistant to that idea of just sleeping when bored. That's a 'Aw HELL NO!' response because I feel into that loop for a couple of years in my early 20's. Ten something years ago. It fucked with everything. EVERYTHING. Hence I'm trying to keep myself within very strict sleeping times and if nothing else a semi-strict 'get up' time period.

Conditioning can happen in other areas too. Like whenever DR is home and we're hanging out, we got into the bad habit of always drinking something alcoholic. Fucking great...another factor. So now whenever he's home, I'm wanting to drink with him because that was our thing.

Yeah, you can see where that needs an over haul. Because then when he goes to bed, BRAIN the cunt that it is starts kinda freaking out because we're aren't going to bed at the same time while MIND knows we don't have to. Mind wins usually. When Mind has been overtaxed or is too tired, Brain wins and I usually spend the next day dealing with a major hangover.

That can be fixed pretty damn easily and I WILL fix it.

Now to figure out how to wrangle the anxiety.

Although next time here at the Wandering Witchling...

Maybe I'll be able to report on something I've been getting unceremoniously hammered with by the Morrighan for months now....

A Pagan's String Theory

Try not to let that little guy there to the right bother you too much. He just needed some suntime.

This... concept that I'm working that this post has to do occurred to me this morning after modeling the new skirt for my husband. It's pretty rad by the way. 

My mind being the rabbit hole racer that it is took off like a shot on the concept of sewing. Now for those who didn't know it, I've always had an extreme interest in archaeology and experimental archaeology.  The later is what a lot of the living history enthusiasts should actually be classified under in my humble opinion. My mind doing canyon jumps like it does from time to time hit remembered that sewing is most likely one of the oldest home making skills second only to probably leather working.  As in someone had a bunch of skin scraps that they couldn't afford to waste and the first scrap blanket was born.  

The two probably go hand in hand farther back than what we can currently imagine. With waning and waxing ice ages, massive volcanic eruptions that turned day into night for weeks on end, bold migrations into cooler climates that had more food animals but the nights could freeze you..... our ancestors would have needed to craft from whatever they could protective clothing. Weaving most likely didn't start to occur until our ancestors were better able to comprehend fiber and probably followed on the heels of sewing and skin working by only a couple hundred years by my best guess. Before all that was the advances in our tool making allowing us to more efficiently use a dead animal. Sewing and using skins more efficiently was only a natural progression. 

It's estimated that one branch of our genetic lineage, the Denisovan's (first found in Siberia's Denisova Cave) were using sewing needles as far back as 50,000 years ago. The article talking about this amazing find is here at Atlas Obscura. 

It most likely wasn't until roughly the 14,000's BCE before things like embroidery, crocheting or knitting might have begun to show up in their most earliest forms. Most likely the first embroidered piece of fabric was a mistake. Crochet and knitting were probably due to bored ancient humans trapped in the caves by long periods of foul weather.

Now we're going to put a pin in this train of thought and go back to the paganism for a bit.


Many people when they think sewing, knitting or any of those thread related activities and paganism, will inevitably come up with some very cutesy things utilizing these skills as means to express themselves or express a concept that they find beautiful and that rings true for them in their practice.

Many practicing pagans are exceptionally crafty (in the physical sense).
Many pagans also venerate or even worship the ancestors. 

Ancestor adoration comes in many forms and some major cultures in the world (many of which are in Asia) have been shaped extensively by it.

In terms of genetics, we all share the same ancestors whether some fucktards like to admit it or not.  Everything that binds those ancestors together into who we are is on our skin, under my fingertips as I type, the food we eat daily, the water we drink.

The first crafts or skills to manifest were surely sewing, leather working, tanning and cooking.

What if....we as Pagans in our search to connect with our ancestors on a practical and meaningful level has been in front of us all along?

What if it's not the incense that smells of old trees or a young (in terms of genetic history) translation of the Book of the Dead?

What if it's not the empty seat at the Dumb Feast?

What if it's not been the pictures in old albums and family legends told when feasting with friends?

What if the means to literally be connected with every branch of our genetic ancestry right back to even the first upright great apes has been at our finger tips the entire time?

If we were to take every single pagan and line them up, every one of them would have something that they posses a crafting aptitude for. Within that aptitude is the possibility of connection with our ancestors.

In every baby blanket crocheted or knit, one carries on the tradition of gifts to the new mother to help her even the odds of the new baby making it through a cold night. Every button stitched back, every tear closed, every meal cooked and shared, every dress or pair of pants... we move our hands in the same ways as our ancestors. 

By the sheer practice of these skills, those nameless ones find themselves with a sense of immortality. 

Despite all of our technological advances and our baby steps towards goals like colonizing the Moon and Mars and farther, we still every day take off the one thing that could truly stand out as being the first sign of our humanity: clothing.

We may not have made that favorite t-shirt from the plants fibers with our own hands but every time we put it on, somewhere in the past an ancestor's gleam of inspiration is there as the beginning. 

So my Pagan String theory is this:
It may feel modern, but you've allow yourself the right perspective you can still look over your shoulder and see that person holding up two pieces of skin and the idea in their head forming of how to connect them.
We, in our every day supposed hobbies, connect in the most literal way possible with our ancestors every time we pick up tool and thread and material.

Generic Title.

Yeah I know, but as it is I'm forcing myself to write. 

Garden:
That blasted jalepeno plant that got frost bit, is on it's fourth picking.  We're going to end up with at least a pint of jalepeno's. We had to get two new tomato plants and finding shade cloth has been a bitch. The rosemary, chives and garlic are doing great.  The green bell pepper has one...ONE... pepper and it's doing a "if this is only one I'm making then damnit it's going to be a good one".

House:
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  The longer we're here the more problems (as to be expected) pop up....but these are things that could be fixed if the asshole landlord just gave even an ounce of a damn. The outgoing sewer pipe... is the same pipes that were originally installed when this place first got plumbing. We've got rusted pipes and at least one if not more tree roots grown into it.  There's literally not much I can do besides document everything. That...is annoying.

There's one of the cabinets that's coming off the walls. It used to hold most of the coffee mugs, but with the purchase of another set of heavy duty plastic shelves, most of the pantry got transferred to said shelves and the mugs got moved to where most of the canned goods used to live.

Personal:
Good gods of old, new and to be it's been a rough past few weeks. The depression acted up. The anxiety acted up. I've been wrestling with brain (which is all the shit that is the depression, the anxiety and the PTSD and the emotions). Mind (which is all the logical stuff which includes the witchcraft side, the we have to do a better job of taking care of ourselves and our home side and just the 'not fucking broken' shit) has been ready to beat brain into a pulp.

While I've got my bujo system on my side there's only so much it can do when Brain refuses to fucking cooperate when it comes to eating.

"WE HAVEN'T BEEN PRODUCTIVE ENOUGH TO WARRANT TAKING A BREAK AND EATING."

At which point Mind usually fucking loses and has to fight Brain because I don't need to earn eating a fucking meal. 

Yeah, that's one of the demons I deal with. I know it probably doesn't make sense but that's what that fucking thing has become.

Brain has been getting in the way of finishing projects. Brain has been a little shit when it comes to drinking. Brain is going to get me killed if I don't keep the fucking thing leashed.

I mean seriously, there are times where it seems like I have to exhaust it before I can get anything done.
Other times I have to moved fast and get shit done, so that Brain can't steal that energy.  Yes, I just called my mental problems a vampire entity of sorts. I'm telling you, it's accurate.

Witchcraft:

It's been roughly a month and a half, so I can talk about the fucking nuke/grenade I threw finally. 

• It was more one of those "BTGOOANATB!  Fuck it, unfuck your damn shit people"
• "Drop those that are bad for you in ways you can't argue with"
• Lose the shit that's dragging you down. 
• Be smart enough to see the opportunities in front of you that will turn you into a better person. 

It's definitely been affecting people and I don't care. I'm a damn witch. Part of job is exposing the rot that people allow to manifest in themselves either by sheer fucking ignorance or denial or they're lying to themselves about not being ready to deal with something. I'm in that third category these days because denying things makes for a more powerful Brain and I'm trying to shrink that bitch.

On top of that, the pantheons are...in motion. They have been for the last year but it's really starting to double down. 

Frankly, the Gods can't do anything for me if I'm not in a position to be able to even accept their help with things. 

Yarn:
Oh gods it's coming up on that time of the year again where big projects have to be place on a table and not left in my lap. Else the AC will get turned down even more. Look, daytime at 84 is perfectly fucking fine. 78 at night. I've threatened the removal of firing pins if it gets turned to anything else. (Except Snu Snu... Then 72 is okay.)

Pets:
One of the doggos is having really bad diarrhea in the mornings. Because DR has gotten up to it on our thankfully tile floor.  So doggos got fed chicken today and tonight they're getting chicken, rice and potatoes. Not sure which one it is but hopefully helps their systems reset.

Fiona as you can see has matured and grown into quite the pretty cat.