Damnit Summer!

I'd really really like to bloody know what it is about the last two weeks of July and First couple of weeks of August have against me. Every year, in looking over my notes for the past ten ish years, those four ish odd weeks have always been downers. Like hard to navigate, 'do I really need to do this', nothing is getting done, HARD downer.

I fucking hate it. Last couple of years have been exceptionally hard but I think a part of that is because I'm in a steady home environment (have been the last soon to be five years in September) and so everything is going "Oh hey...we can actually deal with stuff now."   Um... can we NOT deal with it that way?!  No..... *grumble*  It's been so bad I let half of the Etsy lapse into expired listings... That's been fixed. But still....

Tomorrow is the day before Mabon. The plan is to take today and do my special music channel and work on creative projects all day, taking it easy because tomorrow (DR I love you...but I'm cleaning even while you're sleeping) I clean.  I super clean. I'm gonna bitch slap this house with cleaning rags so hard it's gonna cry.... or I'm going to be crying from the joint pain on or the other. ( Makes a note to take something with morning coffee so that pain stays away.)  Tomorrow WILL see a good house day.

So that I can spend Mabon in peace.

Why is that important?

Witchcraft:

Eh well... The Morrighan has been encouraging me to talk about this and Dagda, Danu, Anu, Cerridwen and the rest haven't exactly been quiet about that either. I've been getting nudges for the past couple of years but this year they've gotten a bit more intense....but I think that's because I'm back to a point in my abilities where I'm not straining to hear them anymore.  ....I need to talk to my sisters and  brothers about if they can see if any of my abilities are still dead and which ones are recovering and which ones can be saved.  There's one I don't want back.  Not gonna talk about that right now.

Basically it's a covenant of a kind. There's two parts that I have so far.  Grow my hair back out (which I'm keen to do because I've had it short for a few years now.  Thing about my hair is that grows really fast so by the end of the year, it's probably going to be shoulder length almost) and take better care of myself.  Man they yelled that last one so damn loud that day.

The Bullshits:
So part of my self care is learning that is okay to have bad and down days. "But those are the days I lose time on projects." Yes and that's okay. Instead of fighting those days, I need to let them happen so that they take up only ONE day instead getting stretched out over three and four days.  Yeah... bad Evie.

Makers movement:
YEEEEE!  So I visited with my parents for a week in early July.  That was so damn nice! Went fabric shopping with my mom and just got to spend some needed quality time with them. (It'd been almost five years since I'd seen them.) Mom also had several things of fabric that she wasn't going to be using in her quilting (she makes beautiful lap quilts and baby quilts for the Linus Project).

So I have a lot of new fabric.  There are:

1. Two button up shirts for DR planned.
2. At least three quilts for us.
3. Maybe close to five wall hangings.
4. Curtains.
5. About five or six vests for me (Wardrobe changes continue!)
6. At least two long sleeve shirts 
7. One more bib dress
8. Couple other indeterminate right now.

This is on top of the two shawls and one more crocheted vest I've been eyeballing making for myself.  One of the shawls...is well... special.

SHOUT OUTS:

As you guys know I have really cool people I'm friends with so we're doing two shouts out todays.

One is the Patreon account link to my friend who runs Reel Fun Studios.  Carie a wonderful geeky lady and mother to a beautiful daughter.  If you could give her page Carie Varner some love and some monthly coin, it'd be appreciated.

Also today I'm giving a signal to the newest Science based book out from my good friend Stephanie Osborn called "Kiss your Ash Goodbye: The Yellowstone Supervolcano"

Personal Stores:
Always be sure to check out what's going with my Etsy The Jade Rose Zen and my Teespring Jade Rose Zen Productions.

Time to keep today's momentum going. 

Forcing myself to write again

It seems to work sometimes.

Brain is at again. The anxiety is what is the loudest right now. Has been the last couple weeks now. The depression and PTSD have been solidly ones now which makes it a bit easier to deal with the anxiety because it's only one thing to lasso and two things to just keep an eye on.

There are times I have to wonder if voicing the anxiety makes it worse because I've given a partial form and other times....

Even if it just into my paper journal the day gets a little bit easier to deal with about half the time. Mostly because I end identifying what's going on and can take the steps to deal with it. The other of the time I can only figure out half of the stuff and then the other half ends being incorporeal for lack of a better term. 

It's definitely time for a hair cut again. I keep messing with it which is not a good thing because I've made part of my scalp sore before from that particular fidget habit.

I also need to stop taking dishonest stock in how I'm feeling when DR offers to pour me a drink. If the anxiety is acting up... I end not putting on the brakes. I really need to stick to my guns of no more hard liquor for me. Plus Hard Cider and wines taste better in the end.

One of the things I think a lot of people who struggle with same and similar issues forget is that it's okay to simplify your self care needs. Take my pixie cut for example. Taking care of your hair can actually be stressful. I have to admit it always puzzles me as to why more females at least don't take the time to figure out a good short cut so that it's low maintenance and your spoons/spell slots can't argue with you legitimately over it. 

Yesterday though even Mind was not having it. I'm not even sure what all I did to calm everything the fuck down, but it worked to the point I didn't end up wanting to stab things.

Sewing helps with that by the way. I get to stab something and MAKE something at the same time. It's a lovely thing really.


Plus there was an awkward moment today when I realized that the anti-glamour I cast in the grenade also covered the glamours we cast on ourselves to blind ourselves to our own faults. That's not so much a reflection on me however as a Big Sister of mine is...going through some shit and it's showing some of the markers from my grenade. 

She stills seems to be learning on to be her own individual just as much as I am. But... I figured out how to be a me without needing a DR to complete me because as people we're already complete (though the process to figure that out will always be a mystery and not a one size fits all journey). The reason we have companions is because we don't like be lonely for long periods of time. (How do you think crazy cat ladies happen?)

It's not that we need a puzzle piece from that person. It's that we find we enjoy them and them being around enhances and enriches our own experiences. So what happens when the you you are gets hurt and you have to forcefully engage your own space in order to deal with it?

Well... a lot of bad juju especially if the other person isn't willing to actually listen and they're being a dick. (Women included).

One of the things that has been aggravating to me recently is that it feels like I've lost my ability to communicate effectively as much as I used to say 8 or 9 years ago. When I started pulling away so that I could deal with shit, it affected my memory in some ways that I'm still figuring out.

And it's really frustrating when I'm trying to talk to DR about something and he keeps interjecting with what he THINKS I'm saying. Not a pleasant fight when it happens. Hence, I'm not finding the right words or expressions to get him to shut up so I can talk. Most of the time I don't need his feedback, I just need him to listen for a bit because there's only so much typing and writing I can do before I need to know someone is hearing me and AFTER I'm done rambling around trying to figure out the thing, whatever that thing is, THEN give me their thoughts.

Oh look, a normal adult thing.... I think? 


I have to admit I probably love the Pixie haircut a little too much. It's easier to deal with and in Phoenix heat... I don't have to worry about it inducing the back of my neck into a heat rash!

However there is a covenant of sorts on the horizon for me. Long hair is gonna make a come back, but there's a nudge to shave the sides and pleat the hair into a complex braid...which is not going to happen as I can't french braid to save my life. Like I understand the concept but I can't get my hands and hair to cooperate like that.

And we're gonna switch gears again because I remembered the other though I had: Conditioning. See, I'm an insomniac and part of the drinking problem is because I start to get bored sometimes...so... you see where that goes and how that's sticky. One of the problems with depression is that you sleep a lot. The more you sleep the more depressed you get and the more depressed you get the more you sleep. Extremely nasty feedback loop and you end up conditioning yourself to always seek sleep when you're depressed.

DR has suggested many times to just come to bed. No. That's why I'm always resistant to that idea of just sleeping when bored. That's a 'Aw HELL NO!' response because I feel into that loop for a couple of years in my early 20's. Ten something years ago. It fucked with everything. EVERYTHING. Hence I'm trying to keep myself within very strict sleeping times and if nothing else a semi-strict 'get up' time period.

Conditioning can happen in other areas too. Like whenever DR is home and we're hanging out, we got into the bad habit of always drinking something alcoholic. Fucking great...another factor. So now whenever he's home, I'm wanting to drink with him because that was our thing.

Yeah, you can see where that needs an over haul. Because then when he goes to bed, BRAIN the cunt that it is starts kinda freaking out because we're aren't going to bed at the same time while MIND knows we don't have to. Mind wins usually. When Mind has been overtaxed or is too tired, Brain wins and I usually spend the next day dealing with a major hangover.

That can be fixed pretty damn easily and I WILL fix it.

Now to figure out how to wrangle the anxiety.

Although next time here at the Wandering Witchling...

Maybe I'll be able to report on something I've been getting unceremoniously hammered with by the Morrighan for months now....

Generic Title.

Yeah I know, but as it is I'm forcing myself to write. 

Garden:
That blasted jalepeno plant that got frost bit, is on it's fourth picking.  We're going to end up with at least a pint of jalepeno's. We had to get two new tomato plants and finding shade cloth has been a bitch. The rosemary, chives and garlic are doing great.  The green bell pepper has one...ONE... pepper and it's doing a "if this is only one I'm making then damnit it's going to be a good one".

House:
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!  The longer we're here the more problems (as to be expected) pop up....but these are things that could be fixed if the asshole landlord just gave even an ounce of a damn. The outgoing sewer pipe... is the same pipes that were originally installed when this place first got plumbing. We've got rusted pipes and at least one if not more tree roots grown into it.  There's literally not much I can do besides document everything. That...is annoying.

There's one of the cabinets that's coming off the walls. It used to hold most of the coffee mugs, but with the purchase of another set of heavy duty plastic shelves, most of the pantry got transferred to said shelves and the mugs got moved to where most of the canned goods used to live.

Personal:
Good gods of old, new and to be it's been a rough past few weeks. The depression acted up. The anxiety acted up. I've been wrestling with brain (which is all the shit that is the depression, the anxiety and the PTSD and the emotions). Mind (which is all the logical stuff which includes the witchcraft side, the we have to do a better job of taking care of ourselves and our home side and just the 'not fucking broken' shit) has been ready to beat brain into a pulp.

While I've got my bujo system on my side there's only so much it can do when Brain refuses to fucking cooperate when it comes to eating.

"WE HAVEN'T BEEN PRODUCTIVE ENOUGH TO WARRANT TAKING A BREAK AND EATING."

At which point Mind usually fucking loses and has to fight Brain because I don't need to earn eating a fucking meal. 

Yeah, that's one of the demons I deal with. I know it probably doesn't make sense but that's what that fucking thing has become.

Brain has been getting in the way of finishing projects. Brain has been a little shit when it comes to drinking. Brain is going to get me killed if I don't keep the fucking thing leashed.

I mean seriously, there are times where it seems like I have to exhaust it before I can get anything done.
Other times I have to moved fast and get shit done, so that Brain can't steal that energy.  Yes, I just called my mental problems a vampire entity of sorts. I'm telling you, it's accurate.

Witchcraft:

It's been roughly a month and a half, so I can talk about the fucking nuke/grenade I threw finally. 

• It was more one of those "BTGOOANATB!  Fuck it, unfuck your damn shit people"
• "Drop those that are bad for you in ways you can't argue with"
• Lose the shit that's dragging you down. 
• Be smart enough to see the opportunities in front of you that will turn you into a better person. 

It's definitely been affecting people and I don't care. I'm a damn witch. Part of job is exposing the rot that people allow to manifest in themselves either by sheer fucking ignorance or denial or they're lying to themselves about not being ready to deal with something. I'm in that third category these days because denying things makes for a more powerful Brain and I'm trying to shrink that bitch.

On top of that, the pantheons are...in motion. They have been for the last year but it's really starting to double down. 

Frankly, the Gods can't do anything for me if I'm not in a position to be able to even accept their help with things. 

Yarn:
Oh gods it's coming up on that time of the year again where big projects have to be place on a table and not left in my lap. Else the AC will get turned down even more. Look, daytime at 84 is perfectly fucking fine. 78 at night. I've threatened the removal of firing pins if it gets turned to anything else. (Except Snu Snu... Then 72 is okay.)

Pets:
One of the doggos is having really bad diarrhea in the mornings. Because DR has gotten up to it on our thankfully tile floor.  So doggos got fed chicken today and tonight they're getting chicken, rice and potatoes. Not sure which one it is but hopefully helps their systems reset.

Fiona as you can see has matured and grown into quite the pretty cat. 

I don't know what to call this one.

This one is a bit jumbled as it's something that occurred to me earlier this week and I'm trying to see if I can't sort it out into something coherent. 

You guys are familiar with the Spoons Theory?  It's a fairly easy and accurate way to teach someone about illnesses and psychical limitations that one has to deal with.  There's also a Spell Slot Theory that is a twist on the Spoon theory that can be used to explain to folks who've a bit more experience in DnD or MMORPG that don't quite grok why you'd use spoons, because spoons can be washed... and there you can see why I grabbed onto the Spell Slot twist on it. It just made more sense. 

Well my brain being what it was, was rambling on on on on about how they aren't and can't be the same thing. My mind went "Hold up...You might actually be onto something."

Spoon theory is based on the finite number of resources emotionally, energy wise and mentally in order to accomplish tasks. Be they minor tasks like brushing your teeth and hair for some people or for others, just managing to get dressed. Spoon theory in of itself is a set theory. It suggests the lack of presence to grow. It also suggests that some spoonies just aren't willing to take the time to sit down and actually look at their spoons and classify things like grocery shopping, showering, doing one house chore this day and this house chore this day and how many spoons those take.

There are spoonies I know that could stand to do this. Why they haven't is because I think they are afraid to. It's an intimidating task being honest with yourself. 

Spoon theory can also be used a convenient excuse by those who refuse to do more. 

Spoon theory also doesn't account for the fact that human beings aren't milled from a single blueprint. Every human who is a spoony, is going to have a different number of spoons compared to another spoonie.

Spoon theory, while it works, is constrained. Its perfect for those with enough experience with their issues, that know they really are set in stone and perfect for those lazy fuckers who just don't want to do more. It's also been claimed by people who have no damn right to it. It's also been used by people, who aren't really spoonies, but should actually be using Spell Slot Theory.

Earlier I said, Spoon Theory is a rigid concept. There is no room for growth.

Spell Slot Theory is one that should by many in place of Spoon theory. Spell Slot theory acknowledges that we are all at different stages of dealing with our issues. For some folks they are limited to five level slots, three level 2 and one level 3 currently. 

You see by employing the Spell slots, you acknowledging you're a still learning growing human being. You're gaining experience every day with what you can and can't do, and how much of what you can do. You're not limited, by either the issue itself (Fibromayaglia, Lyme's disease, etc) or yourself because you've decided it's not worth the effort of trying (would you please stop fucking selling yourself short?).

Let's say every year of dealing with an year, is one level of experience. At base level, you have these things called cantrips. They are little no cost things. What might qualify as a cantrip:

• Going to the bathroom
• Getting a drink of water
• Petting a kitty snuggled up to you
• Hitting play on the next episode
• Drinking coffee
• Eating

Now at base level you also have three-five level 1 spells.

• Making coffee
• Getting dressed
• Making breakfast
• Checking your email
• etc etc

Now let's say you find yourself at the end of the first year and at the beginning of the next year. That means you're now level 2.

You've a couple more cantrips now, things that used to be level 1 spells that you've managed to make easier through pure stubbornness. You have a couple more level 1's and now some level 2's.  

See where I'm going with that?

Now the problem with Spell Slot is being honest with yourself about whether or not an action is simple and almost mindless as to be a cantrip or a level 1 or a level 2. There's also the point to be made with let's call it a Practical Spell Slot theory, the more practice you put into accomplishing a spell smoothly, when you level up, some of the previous harder spells become lower level. Say making breakfast was a level 2 and you managed through dedication to not only make breakfast consistently but every other day also make extra ingredients that could be used in lunch or dinner later that same day. When you level up, Making Breakfast becomes a Level 1.

Practical Spell Slot Theory, or PSST (....not that wasn't deliberate!) allows you take into account that you don't stop growing just because you have issues. It gives you the freedom and lets you give permission to yourself to take care of yourself and your home.  Plus you can add a second factor into the PSST if you wish.

It's a concept, in role playing games like Pathfinder called Gradual Progression. You gain a thing every so many experience points. Say every four months (or three times a year) you set yourself a goal of adding a task that seems really hard to get done every week or every day (like washing some dishes or taking a shower twice a week). It's okay to tag it a above your level spell at first. It's not okay to shove it off to the side and say "It's too hard."

Practical Spell Slot gives you the room to fail but come back and try again. The thing with PSST is that when you sit down and go over everything you can do in a day, you might surprise yourself at just how much you are managing to accomplish.

I think it's safe to say that all three concepts need to see refined usage but that does mean a lot of folks will have to be a little bit more honest with themselves.

I'm still working on this as I think with my issues, I fall under Practical Spell Slot. I'm actively working towards trying to maintain certain levels of things and add to them. Like showering every other day and doing at least five dishes a couple times a day.  Still working on the showering thing as my mind constantly has to fight my brain because "OMG THE WATER BILL, WE CAN'T FUCKING RUN THAT UP RIGHT NOW" and my mind wants to stab my brain over this right now.

That was a big post....geez... and this concept essay still has some holes.... argh!

A Letter

This letter is only to serve for me as a form and outlet to some very old rage and pain. I thought about changing the names, but realized it's been 27-30 something years since some of the things happened. I have very stark and clear memories of some things. Most of my childhood I don't remember in terms of negative or just mundane day to today. I can remember going to the zoo with my grandparents and being stupid excited. I can remember sitting in a log chair just the right size for me in my godparents home while waiting news on my sister's birth and can remember being the hospital holding her and then  going "okay she's too heavy for me, someone else want a turn?"
I can remember being ten years old at Walmart and this older woman giving my mom and dad the stink eye as she deliberately hit their cart with hers and then addressed "Lola and Randy Hively, why haven't you kept in contact?!" And my mom and dad's jaws dropping and hugging this woman profusely.  I can remember her turning to me and saying "Evelyn.... My god, do you recognize me girl?"
"From pictures. With little miss baby mohawk here."
"Yeap, but did they ever remember my name?"
At which point I think my mom interjected and told her, that was her fault, it had been so long and things had been hectic. The woman had nodded her head, as it had been for the same and we spent an hour yacking in walmart catching up. I never got to see that woman again. These days.... I have my reasons to believe why I didn't know her up until that point or ever again. She knew something was wrong.


Dear Sue,
I'm sure you probably don't remember me but you most likely remember my mother. For a very long time, you were her only friend. A 'sympathetic ear' in the maelstrom that my mother had found herself at the center of. Her own past sneaking up on her to being a mother of daughters exactly like her. I'm sure you've been wondering how she's been.

Wonderfully. Especially since she hasn't spoken to you in over twenty years. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm even addressing you considering you thought I was only a disobedient child. Allow me to state something: I remember.

You manipulated my mother for so many years, it's little wonder I have memories of my father just giving my mom a look of disgust when she told him I was going over to your house to be babysat. You lied to her to so frequently about how I wasn't taking naps when told, I was fighting with H your daughter frequently....

I remember Sue.

I remember your lies.

H was sexually molesting me. You thought I wouldn't remember because I was a fucking toddler... 

You thought I wouldn't remember how many of the kids in the church were like this. Either molested or the molesters....

I at this point in time, firmly believe an elder or one of the older kids or possibly even her father was the one who turned into the tormentor I knew. I recall rather clearly how he was always mysteriously absent when I was over.  I also recall it was never stated who or how young the "women he cheated on you with that facilitated your divorce" was.

I also recall you blaming the orphanage that you adopted R from for the... behaviors he began to show. No Sue, H took advantage of her naive adopted five year old brother.  Then we changed churches and I never saw any of again save once.  I was 11 I think then. I wanted to kill H and R and didn't understand why. The entire meetup so that you could "catch up with my mom" was tense and uncomfortable.

Then you vanished. Last I heard you had hidden away in Colorado.

It's been 30 fucking years. So allow me to be precise in my closing paragraph:
I hope H and R have cut you out of their lives completely. 
I hope they are doing well IN SPITE of you bitch.
I hope you know you have grandkids....and can never see them.
I hope everything you and everyone else in that church at that time turned a blind eye to in order to keep the "outsiders" from being even more critical of the church have been crushed by your guilt.
I hope your body has broken down the point you have to help just to take a piss.

I. Hate. You. For what you put my mother through with all the lies. For what you put ME through. For I what in turn did to another because I was an idiot fucking kid who couldn't know any better because you were boobs to wall determined to pledge allegiance to the persecution complex the church does such a good job of instilling in its members.

I loathe you. I hope every breath is a ragged glass filled rasp of suffering.

As for H and R.... I only hope they have found freedom. 

Sincerely disgusted with you,
Evelyn

Settings Rules for Your Personal Self Care.

1. Meals by a certain time frame.
   Example: I've set my rules as breakfast between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.; and as soon as you realize you've missed the time frame you force yourself to drop whatever you're doing and go eat.
   
2. Chores within a certain window of time.
   This one needs to be a hard fast rule. You set a goal time of say 4 p.m. and set an alarm if you have to. Do this first time slot for a week. Then evaluate. 
   Does this time slot work?
   Do you have your errands run for the day by this time?
   Is it hard to get going on the chores when it's at this time?
   Does it make it easier to flow into making one of your meals with chores being on the beginning of the hour?
   Make adjustments via 30 minute increments. If you find you can't really get shit done in the afternoons, flip it to A.M..
   Try to start the chores in the hour time frame of 9 A.M. and adjust by 30 from there. Within three months, you'll find the sweet spot.
   
3. Set realistic daily goals.
   When I say realistic, I mean write down your baseline that you find you manage every day. Aim to hit those every day to the point that they become instinctive.
   
4. Add new daily goals slowly.SLOWLY. It's reached the point that no matter how I feel I still try to do at least five dishes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much but when you're sick, fives dishes here and five dishes there can keep the kitchen from going under. Daily things can be added like drawing practice (for those with that inclination), writing (even if it's just typing out "I don't know what to say" you'll get bored of that pretty quickly and something will happen) or say washing one window a day.
   If you fall off the wagon one day, that's okay. Start over from the day before and keep going.
   
5. Honest treats and rewards for yourself when you achieve goals.
   Things like you get to binge on your favorite TV once you've managed to keep the dishes more washed for a month. Managed to vacuum at least once a week for six weeks and it's now a habit to do it on day (insert). You get your favorite beer once you hit a two month mark on something. A cup of your favorite tea(s) at the end of each day so that you can savor what you've done. And be honest about whether or not you've earned. Sometimes we have days were it's just better to shut the doors and windows and hide under blankets. Stay hydrated those days, but no rewards. The point is to be in control of your life enough so that those days don't put you behind in taking care of yourself and your world.
   
6. Break tasks and goals down by daily, weekly and monthly.
   Break your daily tasks down (mail, dishes, cleaning the dandruff off the cat, brushing your teeth, etc). These are your bare minimum and it's okay if those are all you manage. Now add in the weekly but spread the weeklies out over the week. Don't do them all in one day. Do trash round up every three days. Do vacuuming once a week (twice if you have pets and members of the family have allergies if you have a place that is all carpet). Laundry gets a specific day. CHANGING YOUR BEDDING GETS ITS OWN DAY AND PREFERABLY ON A DAY YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY.
   Monthly tasks: decide at the beginning of the month when you're going to do them. No I'm serious. Things like, scrubbing the tub, cleaning a shelf on the fridge (this can be done over three days time honestly), washing windows (when was the last time you did that?), etc.
   

Those are the most basic rules that I can derive from my personal experiences over the past several years. It's taken awhile to figure them all out. And to be honest, you should probably write them out. For whatever reason, we remember things better (right now) by writing them out. Don't let the computer program auto-finish it for you.

Print off a checklist for your week. Divide it into days. Keeping taking care of yourself and your home in bite sized chunks is a building block to later improvements.

So it doesn't really matter if you like the Bullet Journal method, a normal planner or what not, employ it. You're worth the effort.

Self Care First Aid!

Today's post might be a bit of tangled mess and for that I apologize. I had a great idea it's just been a bitch trying to figure out how to express the different points. Hell even identifying the different points that are important have been... kinda fighting me. Doesn't help that today was laundry day. It wasn't all that stressful today as the laundry mat was all mostly older folks who don't really bother anyone. It was just stressful enough that when we got home and I noticed one of the dogs knocked over my tomatoes plants at some point this morning, I had to sit down and crochet for awhile. In this instance checking to see if a design of mine would work in chunky yarn. Oh hey... I guess that ties back into my title doesn't it?

So let's talk about a small elephant in the room. No seriously, it's a small one. Maybe about two or three years old. Pagans, Wiccan's, Witches, Heathens... whatever your tag, it seems like we have a lot more people than other groups that deal with anxiety, PTSD, depression, etc. I think a part of that is one of the things that is becoming or has become intrinsic to our 'community', is taking on a level of emotional honesty about what we're dealing as human beings. How many of us can honestly say the last Sabbat, Esbat or God/dess feast day we remembered to celebrate without being reminding by the Internet or friends? I think I managed last night, but it was because I was engaged in a self care ritual of sorts.

I'm starting to think we need to have a little bit of a focus shift. We can't be good stewards of our craft, if we aren't taking care of ourselves. We can't take care of our communities. Our inner circle of tribe, our friends or our family. We can't take care of our home or the pets that the Universe has placed in our lives to bring us some joy and unconditional love. 

It's time we do some first aid our lives and minds when it comes to our self care habits and needs. So I've been trying to figure out how to hash out the steps which was a bit more complicated today than normal. Usually when I do one of these essay's the words flow. Not today so much. They are there but they need some coaxing. So let's do some breaking down.

Normal first aid has steps like stopping bleeding, clearing airways, etc.

So needless to say our steps are going to be very different in some regards and more in depth.

1. Identify your worst problems. Like for me it's my depression, anxiety and PTSD mental and emotional wise. Physical wise it's I hate being pain so I don't exercise like I should be and hip problems. 
2. Identify your Shadow.
   This is the part of yourself that has everything repressed. Don't sweat identifying everything. Shadow work is something EVERYONE regardless of beliefs should do. It's a life long thing too. Everything you try to force yourself to forget and every negative emotion you squash becomes a part of the shadow and shadows left un-dealt with become something much much worse.
3. Identify how your problems manifest themselves.
   Do you skip showers for days? (We need to save money on the water bill. I have no friends who come over so why bother. I'm always sick. I don't have the energy.)
   Just don't eat? (I have got to finish this project. I don't want to get out of bed. Why do I even bother cleaning this house no one cares? etc etc etc)
   Obsessively engage in a behavior? You get the general idea.
4. Identify feedback loops, both positive and negative.
   I literally just got done this couple of weeks figuring out this step. Forcing yourself to put down your work so that you can eat, bathe, worship etc; is fucking hard.
5. Identify all the things that make you feel better.
   Pet play time! A good cup of coffee or tea. Taking a hot bath with smelly goods. Putting a favorite album on repeat. 
6. Identify what you are spending the most time and whether or not it's actually making you feel better in the long term. Short term be damned.
   If you're spending hours on ( insert site) arguing, you're not improving your mental mindset. You're not improving your ability to take care of yourself. You're not loving on your dog or cat or what not. You're not catching up on dishes, on cleaning a floor, on making that hat you promised. You're wasting time on things that aren't constructive to yourself, your home and those that genuinely need you. You're harming yourself. Quit that.

All of those take work and time. The next step of Self Care First Aid after Identification? I'm still working on how to explain that part with clarity. For me it's been setting up routines. It's been designating a chore hour where:

• I fill the dish drainer with dishes at least once if not at least five dishes clean.(This will get upped to at least six dishes in a couple of months.)
• Check on my plants on my way outside to throw away the day's trash and check on the mail.
• Morning routines are drinking coffee in bed currently (Seriously OMG I love DR dearly. Most mornings, this is my day start. Along with being under a purring cat and puppy pile.)
• Not checking social media sites right away. I go play one of my mobile games.
• Check my Bujo to do lists so that I know how much energy I'm spending today on the once or twice a week chore.

See what I mean about that second part? It's been hard to nail down

into a process. Plus there's the long hot relaxing bath on full moons now. There's literally nothing stopping any of us from being engaged in our practices in a manner that helps us be better people. Taking care of ourselves and our self care processes becoming better so that our days are less stressful because let's face it, we are our own biggest sources of stress 99,999,999 out of 100,000,000 times. We are to blame for things becoming sources of aggravation because we aren't weighing what is going on properly. This is self harm. And we all need to stop it.

I've been trying to figure out a way to express a "13 Full Moons of Self Care" kind of idea. It's percolating but don't expect it any time soon. 13 full moons of just taking care of yourself and your home. Because let's face it folks: You can't serve the Gods/Universe if you're too broken to even be honest with yourself about your life's condition. You can't take care of the God/s requests, if you won't take care of yourself. And you sure as hell can't take care of other people, if you don't have even 50% of your own shit straight.

What a way to start the week...

So I had some kind of bug or reaction to something. It wasn't a hangover because I know I didn't drink that much. It was a headache, sweats and then vomiting. Then the headache compounded the vomiting which made the vomiting worse which made the headache worse. Talk about one of the nastiest feedback loops I've ever gotten into. Lasted about an hour. I was fucking wiped out yesterday. 

I'll spare you guys any more details. I'm just glad the rib cage isn't more sore and the Monday hasn't been that bad.
Unfortunately, DR apparently caught a minor bug. Poor guy has a low grade fever and even crawled back into bed for about 30 minutes this morning for snuggles. All the animals immediately joined us. Their abilities of perception are bit spooky sometimes.

So I was going to have a rant today but needless to say the brain isn't in ranting mode. It's in "Blare music into the house and rest up" mode. Which I'm okay with because at least in that mode I can do a little bit here and little there in the house and not end up sweating and shaking from the exertion. Yeah yesterday was that bad.
I can at least get some dishes done, the cat wiped off of dander and the plants watered. Doesn't seem like much I know, but that's my baseline that I've been trying to keep for every day.

What can I say? Life is a constant work in progress.

Odd Feeling

I've realized that the transition into domestic life has actually been pleasant in some ways. It's not been without it's trials or annoyances, but considering all things it's been painless. There's this odd misconception about "being domestic" that while I suppose for some people is offensive, I don't find it so.

It suits the path I need to take. As observed to friends elsewhere and said before here probably: The more complex and the more you have to deal with with mental health issues, the more simple you must make your life.

Because as damn near everyone who deals with anxiety, depression, PTSD and the whole host of the rest can vouch that dealing with your emotions as they are trying to deal with the overflow from the damn mental stuff can be exhausting. 

I think that's part of what may not get talked about by folks nearly enough is the emotional responses are the overflow of those illnesses. The emotions are the coping mechanisms, sometimes the stop gaps and sometimes the only warning signs that you may not have been taking care of yourself in the past few days as well as what you should have.

During the wintertime, spring and summer it's a lot easier for me than the fall. For whatever reason fall the past few years has been very hard mental health wise. Getting through those three to four months is a BITCH! And to be blunt, the rest of the year sometimes can feel like I'm playing catch up with the rest of my life or preparation for the next fall. This year wasn't as hard but then again with the FionaCat being introduced into the household...that was a lot of stress.  I just hope I have more time and do better getting ready for when I have a kid on the way. @_@

New normals in a life are always stressful. This kinda goes back to being domestic. It takes time to figure out the right rhythms when you're a SAHW. (Stay at home woman.) Mostly because right now I just have to deal with myself and DR. The dogs and cats took time to for their personalities to appear and show their quirks and for them to adapt to our home. Once they did, the stress of having a new animals was gone.

I'm still sick technically, though the morning misery sessions are getting shorter with each passing day. Yesterday I killed half a grapefruit and two oranges. I've been craving citrus like crazy with this cold. 

I found myself exceedingly grateful today when it comes to DR. I don't have to basically trap him into being affectionate or spending intimate time with me. Though with being sick, it was only just today that I actually felt up for anything outside of hugs. I can't stand body contact when I'm sick. Probably because my skin does this weird over-sensitivity thing when I'm not feeling well physically. It's at it's worst when it's that time of the month. There have been times when even just wearing clothing was extremely painful. *shudder*

Thankfully that only happens maybe twice a year, but still that's in that PMS roulette category that I absolutely hate. 

Garden report: I HAVE THREE TOMATOES NOW!! EEEE!!! Still no peppers on the green pepper plant but the jalapeno is growing back nicely. unfortunately they're calling for Winter to make an appearance next week and I'll have to try to remember to cover my plants at night so as not to lose any again.

Yarn: The projects I have going on for works in progress that are main focus as stands are the Log Cabin Baby Blanket, a poncho and a cardigan. I've been more in a knitting mood lately, so the baby blanket is more done than the rest. Sometimes you just have let your muse guide you. She wants knitting right now so we knit.

That's another thing that bugs me. Most of the year, I can hear my muse. During the Dark Time of the year (fall) I can't hear her at all. It helps having projects I've already started that I can work on and finish because otherwise...well I'd probably play video games. During times like those weeks and months, the games let me zen out. And while they aren't as productive they still help.

Heh, trying to get DR to understand that I'm not wasting my time has been a little bit of challenge. Besides, I'm glad he's not a gamer. I couldn't abide having someone who would probably put my shadowrun runs and Halo runs to shame. (He'd probably enjoy those games if he did play.)

Does a format help?

In General: There are some serious geeks on Tumbler but damn do you  have dig to find them. They are little geniuses. Saw one mention that the best way to deal with a life crash and burn was to "just do a hard re-format and rebuild everything from the ground up."  I don't know about you, but that sounds about right when you get down to it.

Active: This is definitely a second different cold strain. No sore throat like the last one but my sinuses are being very active. Oh and the ear stoppage can just go away any time right about now. Just...humpa grump.

So it's DR's Affliate link and I forgot it can take a couple days to get all the damn kinks worked out of the fucking system in getting your stuff that I'd like folks to click and then do their Amazon shopping afterwards through our link.  It's going to be a few extra cents here and there and after he starts using stuff relevant to his site too, a few more cents but that kind of thing adds up over time.

Passive: Damn near everything else is just wanting to curl up under blankets and hot mint coco and I don't have any Evie friendly hot coco because I don't have any goat's milk. 

Garden: The two plants that hit by frost back about a month ago have made full recoveries. I may only get one jalapeno off the pepper plant but the tomato plant is recovering nicely and hopefully I will have fresh tomatoes for few weeks. Gods know we are getting plenty of spinach and chives. 

Yarn: I had to start over on the baby Log Cabin blanket. I made the initial starting square too big for a baby blanket. For an adult throw it would have been fine but there's several inch difference between throw and baby blanket.

Oh fer crying out loud....

So some time last night the cold thingy I've been dealing with for three plus weeks now deciding to make a minor comeback. And because of said sinus drainage it's fucking with my appetite. (WHY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME BODY?!) Totally fucks with the eat by 1 pm rule I have instigated for myself as part of the self care regiment.

I did this rule in trying to crack down on not taking care of myself in the small ways (bathing, eating, being witchy with is the spiritual side of things) so that I don't mess up my days or weeks and don't lose time to fricking... episodes of PTSD fueled anxiety and depression bouts. Food is damn important for your body in order to be able to fucking function right.

So needless to say, it's a hot soup or bastard spicy stir fry day when I do finally eat. Which hopefully will be before the sun goes down at least...

In the past two months I found out the hard way we needed new hot pads, so I've been working on making new ones as little quickie projects on days where I need the boost to my productivity morale. Also discovered we needed another queen/king sized afghan for ourselves.  That I had already been working on, but it became the priority in being finished.

I have planted a clove of garlic in the spot where the basil used to be. For whatever reason, the basil just didn't make it. The spinach needs trimmed once a week as apparently it loves Phoenix's winters. (Hell I love Phoenix winters.)

Fiona is finally used to be wiped down with the anti allergen stuff so that we don't have to think about possibly re-homing her because of DR's allergies. She is the only cat our household is going to end having that is an indoor cat. We may end up with outdoor purely by chance in the future. 

Log Cabin Quilts have been around a
VERY long time.

I had decided before we agreed it was time to start the human side of our family, that we needed at least four baby blankets.  Currently I'm at two.  I decided on a whim last night to knit one of them and just make a large Log Cabin swatch. I'm not a great knitter. I can do the basic two stitches pretty well but don't ask me for socks anytime soon. And I'm doing greens and creams. The base color is a very lively lime green and DR hates it. We'll have three others he can choose from when it's just him taking the baby out on errands, he'll be fine. 

The new baby blanket will definitely push my skills a bit as I've never knitted anything bigger than a scarf.  Okay so maybe more a patience test.

Witchcraft wise I think everything is just glad I have a small green space for part of the year anymore. Though come summer time, I think moving the plants (container garden for the win) underneath the biggest mesquite tree will save some of the plants from the summer heat. Hopefully at least the herbs. 

So now, I'm back to blogging a little more frequently it seems. It could just be the New Year's energy but either way I'm liking it. Now if I just stay on top of my drawing practice. If nothing else, practicing drawing out designs for Jade Rose Zen.