What a way to start the week...

So I had some kind of bug or reaction to something. It wasn't a hangover because I know I didn't drink that much. It was a headache, sweats and then vomiting. Then the headache compounded the vomiting which made the vomiting worse which made the headache worse. Talk about one of the nastiest feedback loops I've ever gotten into. Lasted about an hour. I was fucking wiped out yesterday. 

I'll spare you guys any more details. I'm just glad the rib cage isn't more sore and the Monday hasn't been that bad.
Unfortunately, DR apparently caught a minor bug. Poor guy has a low grade fever and even crawled back into bed for about 30 minutes this morning for snuggles. All the animals immediately joined us. Their abilities of perception are bit spooky sometimes.

So I was going to have a rant today but needless to say the brain isn't in ranting mode. It's in "Blare music into the house and rest up" mode. Which I'm okay with because at least in that mode I can do a little bit here and little there in the house and not end up sweating and shaking from the exertion. Yeah yesterday was that bad.
I can at least get some dishes done, the cat wiped off of dander and the plants watered. Doesn't seem like much I know, but that's my baseline that I've been trying to keep for every day.

What can I say? Life is a constant work in progress.

Why yes, I CAN can.

So the pressure canner got broken in yesterday. 16 jars of chicken veggie soup. I gotta admit it feels pretty damn good knowing I can do it. Why? With my food allergies, I need to be able to grab stuff from my pantry that isn't going to make me sick. 

This particular canner holds 8 pint jars. Which means it can probably hold about 6 quart jars. It feels really good knowing this skill (with the help of growing with veteran canners like my parents) is at my disposal.

The downside of this canner is that it's stove eye heat setting controlled. Pressure canner work because they employ steam to created pounds per square inch that aid in sealing the jars, killing any bacteria in the jars due to temperature and cooking the foods inside the jars (which is why you can can meats). Many pressure canners have the PSI's being controlled by the steam release valve.

Hey, I can upgrade later to one of those. For now, I can deal with temperature maintained one.

Yes, I was utterly terrified yesterday about this first run. A jar could have shattered. I could have not heated the seals up in enough for them to seal properly. There could have been a malfunction with the pressure canner.

Nope. Other than five of the seals developing warps in the lid. I think what happened was when I got the temp figured out where I wanted it... the PSI was around 13.5. For chicken you only need 11 PSI with this canner for an hour and 15 minutes. I might have left them too long.

So I can do basically eight jar batches here and there. To fill in on preps.  Our dehydrator died so for a while I was just having to contend with food having to go into the compost been more often.

Now I have the options of making soup bases with my veggies whenever they are getting iffy. I can make my groceries stretch even further and without contrivance. 

Which will come in handy when the freezer needs emptied and cleaned and newer frozen goods bought. Like meats.

Best thing that we'll be going for is more soup bases than full specific soups.  You know the standard fare: Garlic, Onions, Celery, Carrots or Bell Peppers or combinations thereof. Then, only needs a protein added.

The chicken veggie and future beef stew will be more for quick grab meals, camping trips or when DR and I are sick.

Plus it means supplementing the pantry in the future. When things like tomatoes, cucumbers, etc etc go on sale we can grab a bunch while the garden situation is in flux and can away.

Feels pretty Gods damn good TBH.

Brain... Seriously?

Click on the picture to be taken to this
Etsy listing!

So between two colds back to back that lasted a month and the monthly uterine rebellion, my brain has been fuzzy, over clocked and refusing to cooperate when I want to go to sleep.

So what does my brain do last night as I'm laying there in the hour after me and DR had gone to bed do?

"Hey I wonder if people look up stuff via DnD alignment types? Wouldn't it be fun to make a Chaotic Neutral series? Or even a Lawful Ebil? ...how the hell would make a Lawful ebil even work? What color schemes would I need to use?"

GAH!

I'd already been planning a series based on the core classes. The thing with ideas like this is that while it's cool and fantastical... those who would actually be enthusiastic about buying such in limited numbers and limited budgets.

Biggest drawback to being a hand crafter: Making the cool pretty shit versus the more practical every day shit that appeals to a more broad demographic. Occasionally making one of the fantasy things here and there to show that I posses the skill level to do such is okay but not at the expense of the things that sell.

The little things add up quickly. Hell one of these days I dream of waking up and finding I'm out of Dice Bags would be great! Then again I enjoy making those, so running out probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. ^_^

I found out not too long ago, finding baby and toddler boy themed blankets is a bit harder than I had originally thought. So I'm definitely going to be trying to keep a few of those in the shop from now on. 

Other than that, it's just a finish other projects day. Hopefully I'm feeling well enough at week's end to list some more things on the shop but staging, taking pictures, editing them and creating the listings can be very menial and mentally tiring. Definitely best for days when I've been staying on top of eating and other self care that's crucial for certain stuff to behave.

If I could stab that voice

I would.

Viciously and the point to the that it'd make the Vikings damn proud of how fucking dead it is.

I can only imagine how much worse it'd be if I had gone on the pill and inevitably followed by anti-dep meds. (Fuck those by the way. How do people not fucking read or care of the reactivity between those two?!) 

So my mood for today is especially grey as after being awake until almost 4am when I was awakened around 5:30ish by cramps. *sigh* Night before hand, same amount of being awake. Let's just say I'm exceedingly grateful to DR for letting me sleep in the mornings. Means I start later in the day, but in terms of taking care of myself it's working. Me with little sleep is... very very bad.

But today I found myself dealing with that insidious little voice simpering inside my inner ear about why am I even trying to have kids? 

"You can't carry to full term why are you even fucking trying? You as a mom? Are you trying to kill yourself? You think you that much of a badass? We all know you can't be mom, you're fucking damaged goods."

Yeah... that voice. I've been dealing with it for close to ten years now since I made the decision I wanted to have that be a part of my life, being a mom. You wanna talk struggle? Let's talk about how many damn times I've had to console myself. How many damn times I've found myself wondering which God/dess I'm going to have to blackmail, cajole, bribe into leaving me alone so I can just be a mom.

The fucking struggle to deal with the terror that I'll never get that chance by normal means. That's a biggie to me. Even if I only give birth once, I'm going to be fucking grateful. Though I still want my clan of 4-8 I've kinda given up on getting that many and have been pushing for 3. 

Just.... stab stab stabbity. I mean  seriously?! There are so many little things I have worked on and keep working on to fill in the cracks of the foundations and just trying to finish the fucking foundation out that dealing with distractions like this fucking critic are purely frustration. And we all know frustration can't be expressed fully ever. It's not a simple emotion.  It's one of those emotions that you find yourself saddled with day in and day out sometimes depending on what the cause is.

I'd like to think I'm going to a decent mom. Hell, even with the decision to homeschool I've already been figuring out to use the most of mundane things to teach practical lessons. Like the other day, I pointed that cooking was a great way to teach basic chemistry and basic fractions. Probably one of the best ways to teach fractions. (Not to mention more tasty results.) So many things just to decide not to have kids. How dare you voice. How dare you.

A large part of this goes right into the Anxiety. Into the limited amount of "can do" in a day. When you're damn near constantly splitting time between this world, your mental world, the emotional baggage, the Witch world and creative because the creative is the means of turning the untamed chaos into something useful... the balancing act stops being an act...eventually right?

Odd Feeling

I've realized that the transition into domestic life has actually been pleasant in some ways. It's not been without it's trials or annoyances, but considering all things it's been painless. There's this odd misconception about "being domestic" that while I suppose for some people is offensive, I don't find it so.

It suits the path I need to take. As observed to friends elsewhere and said before here probably: The more complex and the more you have to deal with with mental health issues, the more simple you must make your life.

Because as damn near everyone who deals with anxiety, depression, PTSD and the whole host of the rest can vouch that dealing with your emotions as they are trying to deal with the overflow from the damn mental stuff can be exhausting. 

I think that's part of what may not get talked about by folks nearly enough is the emotional responses are the overflow of those illnesses. The emotions are the coping mechanisms, sometimes the stop gaps and sometimes the only warning signs that you may not have been taking care of yourself in the past few days as well as what you should have.

During the wintertime, spring and summer it's a lot easier for me than the fall. For whatever reason fall the past few years has been very hard mental health wise. Getting through those three to four months is a BITCH! And to be blunt, the rest of the year sometimes can feel like I'm playing catch up with the rest of my life or preparation for the next fall. This year wasn't as hard but then again with the FionaCat being introduced into the household...that was a lot of stress.  I just hope I have more time and do better getting ready for when I have a kid on the way. @_@

New normals in a life are always stressful. This kinda goes back to being domestic. It takes time to figure out the right rhythms when you're a SAHW. (Stay at home woman.) Mostly because right now I just have to deal with myself and DR. The dogs and cats took time to for their personalities to appear and show their quirks and for them to adapt to our home. Once they did, the stress of having a new animals was gone.

I'm still sick technically, though the morning misery sessions are getting shorter with each passing day. Yesterday I killed half a grapefruit and two oranges. I've been craving citrus like crazy with this cold. 

I found myself exceedingly grateful today when it comes to DR. I don't have to basically trap him into being affectionate or spending intimate time with me. Though with being sick, it was only just today that I actually felt up for anything outside of hugs. I can't stand body contact when I'm sick. Probably because my skin does this weird over-sensitivity thing when I'm not feeling well physically. It's at it's worst when it's that time of the month. There have been times when even just wearing clothing was extremely painful. *shudder*

Thankfully that only happens maybe twice a year, but still that's in that PMS roulette category that I absolutely hate. 

Garden report: I HAVE THREE TOMATOES NOW!! EEEE!!! Still no peppers on the green pepper plant but the jalapeno is growing back nicely. unfortunately they're calling for Winter to make an appearance next week and I'll have to try to remember to cover my plants at night so as not to lose any again.

Yarn: The projects I have going on for works in progress that are main focus as stands are the Log Cabin Baby Blanket, a poncho and a cardigan. I've been more in a knitting mood lately, so the baby blanket is more done than the rest. Sometimes you just have let your muse guide you. She wants knitting right now so we knit.

That's another thing that bugs me. Most of the year, I can hear my muse. During the Dark Time of the year (fall) I can't hear her at all. It helps having projects I've already started that I can work on and finish because otherwise...well I'd probably play video games. During times like those weeks and months, the games let me zen out. And while they aren't as productive they still help.

Heh, trying to get DR to understand that I'm not wasting my time has been a little bit of challenge. Besides, I'm glad he's not a gamer. I couldn't abide having someone who would probably put my shadowrun runs and Halo runs to shame. (He'd probably enjoy those games if he did play.)

Does a format help?

In General: There are some serious geeks on Tumbler but damn do you  have dig to find them. They are little geniuses. Saw one mention that the best way to deal with a life crash and burn was to "just do a hard re-format and rebuild everything from the ground up."  I don't know about you, but that sounds about right when you get down to it.

Active: This is definitely a second different cold strain. No sore throat like the last one but my sinuses are being very active. Oh and the ear stoppage can just go away any time right about now. Just...humpa grump.

So it's DR's Affliate link and I forgot it can take a couple days to get all the damn kinks worked out of the fucking system in getting your stuff that I'd like folks to click and then do their Amazon shopping afterwards through our link.  It's going to be a few extra cents here and there and after he starts using stuff relevant to his site too, a few more cents but that kind of thing adds up over time.

Passive: Damn near everything else is just wanting to curl up under blankets and hot mint coco and I don't have any Evie friendly hot coco because I don't have any goat's milk. 

Garden: The two plants that hit by frost back about a month ago have made full recoveries. I may only get one jalapeno off the pepper plant but the tomato plant is recovering nicely and hopefully I will have fresh tomatoes for few weeks. Gods know we are getting plenty of spinach and chives. 

Yarn: I had to start over on the baby Log Cabin blanket. I made the initial starting square too big for a baby blanket. For an adult throw it would have been fine but there's several inch difference between throw and baby blanket.

Oh fer crying out loud....

So some time last night the cold thingy I've been dealing with for three plus weeks now deciding to make a minor comeback. And because of said sinus drainage it's fucking with my appetite. (WHY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME BODY?!) Totally fucks with the eat by 1 pm rule I have instigated for myself as part of the self care regiment.

I did this rule in trying to crack down on not taking care of myself in the small ways (bathing, eating, being witchy with is the spiritual side of things) so that I don't mess up my days or weeks and don't lose time to fricking... episodes of PTSD fueled anxiety and depression bouts. Food is damn important for your body in order to be able to fucking function right.

So needless to say, it's a hot soup or bastard spicy stir fry day when I do finally eat. Which hopefully will be before the sun goes down at least...

In the past two months I found out the hard way we needed new hot pads, so I've been working on making new ones as little quickie projects on days where I need the boost to my productivity morale. Also discovered we needed another queen/king sized afghan for ourselves.  That I had already been working on, but it became the priority in being finished.

I have planted a clove of garlic in the spot where the basil used to be. For whatever reason, the basil just didn't make it. The spinach needs trimmed once a week as apparently it loves Phoenix's winters. (Hell I love Phoenix winters.)

Fiona is finally used to be wiped down with the anti allergen stuff so that we don't have to think about possibly re-homing her because of DR's allergies. She is the only cat our household is going to end having that is an indoor cat. We may end up with outdoor purely by chance in the future. 

Log Cabin Quilts have been around a
VERY long time.

I had decided before we agreed it was time to start the human side of our family, that we needed at least four baby blankets.  Currently I'm at two.  I decided on a whim last night to knit one of them and just make a large Log Cabin swatch. I'm not a great knitter. I can do the basic two stitches pretty well but don't ask me for socks anytime soon. And I'm doing greens and creams. The base color is a very lively lime green and DR hates it. We'll have three others he can choose from when it's just him taking the baby out on errands, he'll be fine. 

The new baby blanket will definitely push my skills a bit as I've never knitted anything bigger than a scarf.  Okay so maybe more a patience test.

Witchcraft wise I think everything is just glad I have a small green space for part of the year anymore. Though come summer time, I think moving the plants (container garden for the win) underneath the biggest mesquite tree will save some of the plants from the summer heat. Hopefully at least the herbs. 

So now, I'm back to blogging a little more frequently it seems. It could just be the New Year's energy but either way I'm liking it. Now if I just stay on top of my drawing practice. If nothing else, practicing drawing out designs for Jade Rose Zen.