Onto the Next Project!

 After the nuke that was my last post, I figured it was nigh time to talk about something a bit more positive: Like my future. So let's talk about my goals and how I'm using them to propel myself towards to cleaning up a mess or two that I made for myself because I was a raging idiot. Some lessons about responsibility can only be learned the hard way. So there are two goals I have for this year that I'm going to be sharing. I have other smaller goals but they don't require me to advertise and try to convince you to buy my product. ;) So let's see how well I can convince you today!

Goal number one is some new technology devices, which is the more achievable to be honest and probably the one that will enable me to begin a long term project I have in mind and make the second goal easier to achieve as well.

Goal 1 A: is a brand new mouse. Hell that can be covered if someone decides to buy even just one of my dice bags.

Goal 1 B: Is a new camera.

That would be the lovely Canon Rebel. Right now I use my old phone which is basically just a Wifi device, but it is dying. It's a almost four year old phone. It's lived through two moves and two dogs and a cat. Its still working on surviving the cat....

With summer approaching and soon to descend upon The Valley of the Sun my work emphasis does tend to slide towards working on smaller projects like Cloches and dice bags.  That being said I had to find something the other day and in one of my storage bags I found about a half dozen hats that I had forgotten I had made. Yeah, bad Evelyn. Those will go up as soon as I've had a change to throw them through a dryer. (DAMNIT CHOCTAW!) 

Also coming to the shop hopefully in the next week sunlight cooperating, there'll be a poncho and matching hat, more infinity scarves with hats, and slightly better fleshed out listings in a couple of spots.

Progress on a Gold and Crimson Corded Cardigan is coming along nicely along with a Mint and Lemon baby set. There is a Lime Lively "Chunky" knit scarf that will appear in the store in the next couple of weeks as well. After that there will mostly be nothing new for a few weeks as I'll be working on a couple of commissions and trades for work. There will a dig through prior projects put on the back burner and forgotten about and a huge push to finish as many of those as I can before going on the Second Retreat.

Am I bringing yarn along on the retreat?  ....you do realize this is me we're talking here right?!

So the second goal after getting the camera is a long term goal. This is the thing I was talking about in the first paragraph about having an idiot. This is one of those mistakes where it doesn't take long to accomplish it but damned if it doesn't take you awhile to clean up the mess.

I don't plan on dumping a huge payment onto it. No, that would be stupid as there are other bills that need paid too. Like the car. 

I'm going to be putting all sales after I get the camera (so that I can get better pictures of my listings) towards paying off my credit card. (Relax, they only trust me a 3300 limit. Which is a good thing for the time period that covered. Now I'm in clean up mode.) Once I get into a steady payment rhythm on it, I know I can have it paid off in a couple of years (barring any emergency car repairs. Eep even.) and also focusing on paying off the car. Those are the two things that will be building my credit and his up the best. We have until April 2019 here at the current place we're renting, but damned if we aren't hoping to be not renting by then. Takes work though.

So that the deal. Why am I telling you guys this? Well so that you know what I'm doing with the money from Etsy purchases. People seem to like knowing it how it helps. Also helps me solidify what I'm doing with the shop. It's not just for shits and giggles. Having set goals helps a LOT.

So in summary, the Etsy are going towards:
1) A New Mouse
2) A Rebel Camera
3) Paying down the credit card
4) Paying off the Rav 4.

A Letter

This letter is only to serve for me as a form and outlet to some very old rage and pain. I thought about changing the names, but realized it's been 27-30 something years since some of the things happened. I have very stark and clear memories of some things. Most of my childhood I don't remember in terms of negative or just mundane day to today. I can remember going to the zoo with my grandparents and being stupid excited. I can remember sitting in a log chair just the right size for me in my godparents home while waiting news on my sister's birth and can remember being the hospital holding her and then  going "okay she's too heavy for me, someone else want a turn?"
I can remember being ten years old at Walmart and this older woman giving my mom and dad the stink eye as she deliberately hit their cart with hers and then addressed "Lola and Randy Hively, why haven't you kept in contact?!" And my mom and dad's jaws dropping and hugging this woman profusely.  I can remember her turning to me and saying "Evelyn.... My god, do you recognize me girl?"
"From pictures. With little miss baby mohawk here."
"Yeap, but did they ever remember my name?"
At which point I think my mom interjected and told her, that was her fault, it had been so long and things had been hectic. The woman had nodded her head, as it had been for the same and we spent an hour yacking in walmart catching up. I never got to see that woman again. These days.... I have my reasons to believe why I didn't know her up until that point or ever again. She knew something was wrong.


Dear Sue,
I'm sure you probably don't remember me but you most likely remember my mother. For a very long time, you were her only friend. A 'sympathetic ear' in the maelstrom that my mother had found herself at the center of. Her own past sneaking up on her to being a mother of daughters exactly like her. I'm sure you've been wondering how she's been.

Wonderfully. Especially since she hasn't spoken to you in over twenty years. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm even addressing you considering you thought I was only a disobedient child. Allow me to state something: I remember.

You manipulated my mother for so many years, it's little wonder I have memories of my father just giving my mom a look of disgust when she told him I was going over to your house to be babysat. You lied to her to so frequently about how I wasn't taking naps when told, I was fighting with H your daughter frequently....

I remember Sue.

I remember your lies.

H was sexually molesting me. You thought I wouldn't remember because I was a fucking toddler... 

You thought I wouldn't remember how many of the kids in the church were like this. Either molested or the molesters....

I at this point in time, firmly believe an elder or one of the older kids or possibly even her father was the one who turned into the tormentor I knew. I recall rather clearly how he was always mysteriously absent when I was over.  I also recall it was never stated who or how young the "women he cheated on you with that facilitated your divorce" was.

I also recall you blaming the orphanage that you adopted R from for the... behaviors he began to show. No Sue, H took advantage of her naive adopted five year old brother.  Then we changed churches and I never saw any of again save once.  I was 11 I think then. I wanted to kill H and R and didn't understand why. The entire meetup so that you could "catch up with my mom" was tense and uncomfortable.

Then you vanished. Last I heard you had hidden away in Colorado.

It's been 30 fucking years. So allow me to be precise in my closing paragraph:
I hope H and R have cut you out of their lives completely. 
I hope they are doing well IN SPITE of you bitch.
I hope you know you have grandkids....and can never see them.
I hope everything you and everyone else in that church at that time turned a blind eye to in order to keep the "outsiders" from being even more critical of the church have been crushed by your guilt.
I hope your body has broken down the point you have to help just to take a piss.

I. Hate. You. For what you put my mother through with all the lies. For what you put ME through. For I what in turn did to another because I was an idiot fucking kid who couldn't know any better because you were boobs to wall determined to pledge allegiance to the persecution complex the church does such a good job of instilling in its members.

I loathe you. I hope every breath is a ragged glass filled rasp of suffering.

As for H and R.... I only hope they have found freedom. 

Sincerely disgusted with you,
Evelyn

Settings Rules for Your Personal Self Care.

1. Meals by a certain time frame.
   Example: I've set my rules as breakfast between 1 p.m. and 2 p.m.; and as soon as you realize you've missed the time frame you force yourself to drop whatever you're doing and go eat.
   
2. Chores within a certain window of time.
   This one needs to be a hard fast rule. You set a goal time of say 4 p.m. and set an alarm if you have to. Do this first time slot for a week. Then evaluate. 
   Does this time slot work?
   Do you have your errands run for the day by this time?
   Is it hard to get going on the chores when it's at this time?
   Does it make it easier to flow into making one of your meals with chores being on the beginning of the hour?
   Make adjustments via 30 minute increments. If you find you can't really get shit done in the afternoons, flip it to A.M..
   Try to start the chores in the hour time frame of 9 A.M. and adjust by 30 from there. Within three months, you'll find the sweet spot.
   
3. Set realistic daily goals.
   When I say realistic, I mean write down your baseline that you find you manage every day. Aim to hit those every day to the point that they become instinctive.
   
4. Add new daily goals slowly.SLOWLY. It's reached the point that no matter how I feel I still try to do at least five dishes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much but when you're sick, fives dishes here and five dishes there can keep the kitchen from going under. Daily things can be added like drawing practice (for those with that inclination), writing (even if it's just typing out "I don't know what to say" you'll get bored of that pretty quickly and something will happen) or say washing one window a day.
   If you fall off the wagon one day, that's okay. Start over from the day before and keep going.
   
5. Honest treats and rewards for yourself when you achieve goals.
   Things like you get to binge on your favorite TV once you've managed to keep the dishes more washed for a month. Managed to vacuum at least once a week for six weeks and it's now a habit to do it on day (insert). You get your favorite beer once you hit a two month mark on something. A cup of your favorite tea(s) at the end of each day so that you can savor what you've done. And be honest about whether or not you've earned. Sometimes we have days were it's just better to shut the doors and windows and hide under blankets. Stay hydrated those days, but no rewards. The point is to be in control of your life enough so that those days don't put you behind in taking care of yourself and your world.
   
6. Break tasks and goals down by daily, weekly and monthly.
   Break your daily tasks down (mail, dishes, cleaning the dandruff off the cat, brushing your teeth, etc). These are your bare minimum and it's okay if those are all you manage. Now add in the weekly but spread the weeklies out over the week. Don't do them all in one day. Do trash round up every three days. Do vacuuming once a week (twice if you have pets and members of the family have allergies if you have a place that is all carpet). Laundry gets a specific day. CHANGING YOUR BEDDING GETS ITS OWN DAY AND PREFERABLY ON A DAY YOU'RE DOING LAUNDRY.
   Monthly tasks: decide at the beginning of the month when you're going to do them. No I'm serious. Things like, scrubbing the tub, cleaning a shelf on the fridge (this can be done over three days time honestly), washing windows (when was the last time you did that?), etc.
   

Those are the most basic rules that I can derive from my personal experiences over the past several years. It's taken awhile to figure them all out. And to be honest, you should probably write them out. For whatever reason, we remember things better (right now) by writing them out. Don't let the computer program auto-finish it for you.

Print off a checklist for your week. Divide it into days. Keeping taking care of yourself and your home in bite sized chunks is a building block to later improvements.

So it doesn't really matter if you like the Bullet Journal method, a normal planner or what not, employ it. You're worth the effort.